Peace, Love, Rock 'n Roll!!
You might not agree with what I do. You might not understand my life choices. But if you can look past the my track marks, you might just find we're more alike than you think. This blog is about my life as a heroin addict, not about drug recovery.
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Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Cooler Months, Funner Socks!
I was browsing my favorite online sock store a little earlier and realized it had been a really long time since I posted any new sock pictures! So I'm going to have to rectify that and take some more pics.... especially when the order I placed arrives! But in the meantime, I thought I would give a little homage to my current collection. I don't believe I have posted this Youtube video on this blog yet. I made this one about a month ago, and it gives a good sampling of my current sock collection. Hope you enjoy watching and maybe you'll even get a little bit motivated to go out and buy some new, fun socks of your own! (or for that special femme in your life... socks are so cheap they are a great "anytime of the year, just because" type gift! So here's my little video, I like to call... Sock Junky!
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
The Monkey On My Back
I'm trapped in my thoughts, stupid consuming thoughts. They are so
simple, so few. But they are ever there. Crushing my skull inward, until
my brain, crippling under the devastating pressure, cries for
relief. I scan my body for physical pain, somewhere, anywhere(!) that
would justify the agonizing crush of my mind. I find nothing. No
physical justification. Just the thoughts. Unrelenting.
I survey again, taking inventory of my surroundings. Some physical discomfort is present, yet not intense. A dull throb in my back. Bones tired. Muscles tense. Hands tremble slightly. The tremble intensifies to a shake as I lift my hand off my knee to examine my hands. They shake as though they belong to an old grandmother. Her hands - frail, veins blue and thin - gently reach with love and excitement, caressing the cheek of her newborn great-granddaughter. But those aren't my hands. That's not my story. I'm a 35 year old woman, supposedly in the prime of my life. Yet those are my hands, shaking almost ruthlessly, veins blue and bruised. I shove them under my legs, trying to regain some control. Or rather, to hide my lack of control. My sweat feels ice cold as the breeze comes through the window, though it's hotter than sin outside.
My thoughts are back. I suppose they never left. I was only momentarily able to distract myself by focusing on the physical pain. The TV is on, l guess I've been watching, but I can't recall what's happened. How long have I been watching?
"We should bring a cooler and a blanket. It should be fun, right?" I'm in a conversation! Can I remember what I just agreed to? Can he tell that I only have these unrelated thoughts to any question he, or anyone else, may ask me? Have I responded properly or is it plainly written on my face? I feel the words form on my tongue and my voice says "Yeah, that should be fun. I love Jurassic Park."
<No!> My brain yells <If I agree to come, I can at least go high, right?!? I won't have fun without heroin!>
Shut up, shut up, shut up! I'm terrified he can read it in my face. He smiles at me, maybe oblivious. Or perhaps just unwilling to address my constant companion, my hidden inner thoughts. Those opinions of the ever present monkey on my back. My best friend. Always predictable. Always with the same response. The infernal repetition. Always. Every sentence of the day.
"Cool. We'll pick up some food and make a picnic of it!"
<As long as I can get high. Otherwise it won't be fun>
The shows back on. His attention turns back to the television. I relax. Focus is off me. He couldn't tell I was thinking about heroin. I made it through another conversation. I try to watch some TV. Doesn't he know that this is the way all our conversations go? Every single one of the day, from the moment I wake till the time I try to sleep again. Although since I stopped using, three hellish, unending weeks ago, I've barely slept a wink. I just pray for time to past, waiting till I can feel the needle pierce my skin, see the blood enter the chamber and taste the heroin enter my bloodstream. Waiting...
<You know you can't stay away from me for long. You won't be happy without me.>
…i know…
<You've made it three weeks clean! You deserve to get high.>
There's the pressure again. My brain pounding against my skull. My eyes close trying to keep my brain from spilling out.
I hear a far away voice pulling me back from the dark.... "What do you want for dinner tonight?"
Ahhhh…! Why won't he just leave me alone! I don't want to eat. I don't care about food. I just want heroin, you idiot! How can you be so blind and inconsiderate!
"I don't know, maybe Subway or something."
I feel sick but I know I have to eat, or else betray the little voice in my head. The voice of my little monkey friend. And I'm hoping he leaves the house, if just to give me moment of peace.
"That sounds good. I'll grab it 15 or 20 minutes. That cool?"
"Yeah, sounds good." I hear myself say. Although the words are detached.
My mind drifts again, though I pretend to watch the TV. I can't focus my attention. I don't want to be this unhappy. I don't want to be a slave. He once said to me that I didn't love anyone as much as heroin. Actually, he's said it a few times. I hated him for saying that. That can't possibly be true. I love people. Heroin is a chemical. But I thought. I thought about my past. Is that true? Could that possibility be true? I thought about my friends, my family, my boyfriends. I've hurt all of them. Every single one of them I've lied to. I've deceived, stolen from, betrayed. And who was always there for me? To comfort me when I was afraid, humiliated, insecure?
Heroin was always with me when I was alone. It made me feel wanted, accepted, needed. Heroin made me feel as though I had a place in this world. It wasn't that I merely loved heroin, I knew that heroin loved me as well. But even beyond that, heroin made me lovable. The rest of the world might not see that or understand, but I knew why. I knew what gave me strength in the eyes of the world. I knew what gave me strength in myself.
I suppose he was right. I do love heroin more than any other person in my life. Well, why not? Who else was with me in my darkest, most vulnerable times? When I was all alone and needed a friend? Heroin was always with me.
But here I am, desperately abstaining. For what? The approval of people who don't understand? Who will never understand? What is wrong with me?
I won't be without you for long. I desperately pleaded for heroin to be there when I was done with this pointless separation.
<I will always be here for you. You will always need me. In fact, you can't live without me.>
I knew it was right. I can't, so why even bother trying. This is stupid. I shouldn't have to go through all this pain, when I know the second this month is over I'm going to have a needle in my vein faster than you could count to the next minute.
Yet here I was. Trying. Giving it one more try. Maybe this time will stick. Maybe this time I'll learn something new. Maybe this time I'll clue into this secret that every other person in the NA rooms seems to understand. Maybe....
"I'm going to go pick up the sandwiches. Want me to just make a snap decision while I'm there?"
"Sounds good." I mumble.
He kisses me on the cheek, since I avoid turning my lips to meet his. He is unaffected or unaware of my unexplained bitterness when the door closes behind him. I'm alone again. Thank God.
I try to empty my mind while I watch the TV. I'm not really interested, so I play with my nails, filing and cleaning.
"… I can feel it running through my veins…" I hear the TV say. I don't know what the context is, but the statement sets the monkey's voice off again.
My veins. I put the nail file down and turn my hands over to examine the top of my hands again, skin, nails and veins. My nails are dark and filthy underneath. No matter how often I try to clean them, the blackness sticks. Soiled with visual reminders from the black tar, carbon from the chemical reaction between flame and metal and from a general avoidance of a purifying shower. I've put of the unpleasant task since I started this futile fast. The reminder of the hot water cooling and mingling with the cold sweats on my body during withdraws gave me the chills. How unpleasant, I shuttered. Although I knew, if only for the sake of the public, it was soon unavoidable.
My veins, now they were the true traitors. They gave my secret away, no matter how hard I tried to hide it. The blood red scabs, the bruising. They told my past. Not only the heroin, but the meth, the coke and all the other drugs I maintained directly into my bloodstream and straight to my brain. Over and over again. But mostly they told about the heroin. The telltale signs of a junky. The lowest cast of American society. A cast I was not only proud of but one I clung to, like an obsessed lover.
Although I sometimes tried to hide them, in less critical situations I wore them like a badge of honor. What would I be without them? How could I make it through a day without stabbing a syringe in them 5, 8, 1 0 times a day and still be happy?
<You would not be happy. Only I can bring you happiness.>
My head hung in shame. No, of course not. I could never be happy without heroin. How could I even think otherwise? I'm the traitor.
I heard keys jingle and moments later the door opened. I stuffed my hands back under my legs, lest I betray the voice in my head.
"I got a turkey club" he said cheerfully.
"Awesome" I spit the word with poison, though I was unsure if the tone gave away my true unhappiness.
<You don't need a sandwich. All you need is heroin. Soon.>
I know....
The internal struggle was killing me. I know that people were happy living without heroin. Billions of them the world over. I saw them on the streets, going about their business, raising their families, going to the movies. All without sticking a spike in their veins. But how? How do they achieve this? That couldn't be my life, could it? Had I been happy before heroin? Had there been a time before heroin? I could barely remember anymore. I didn't even want to remember.
Yet there was a softer, weaker voice. I felt it struggling to be heard over the louder, more oppressive voice of the monkey.
<it is possible. you know it is. don't give up. you are lovable.>
I looked over at my boyfriend and took the sandwich he was handing me. "I love you" he said.
"I love you, too." I wanted to cry.
I survey again, taking inventory of my surroundings. Some physical discomfort is present, yet not intense. A dull throb in my back. Bones tired. Muscles tense. Hands tremble slightly. The tremble intensifies to a shake as I lift my hand off my knee to examine my hands. They shake as though they belong to an old grandmother. Her hands - frail, veins blue and thin - gently reach with love and excitement, caressing the cheek of her newborn great-granddaughter. But those aren't my hands. That's not my story. I'm a 35 year old woman, supposedly in the prime of my life. Yet those are my hands, shaking almost ruthlessly, veins blue and bruised. I shove them under my legs, trying to regain some control. Or rather, to hide my lack of control. My sweat feels ice cold as the breeze comes through the window, though it's hotter than sin outside.
My thoughts are back. I suppose they never left. I was only momentarily able to distract myself by focusing on the physical pain. The TV is on, l guess I've been watching, but I can't recall what's happened. How long have I been watching?
"We should bring a cooler and a blanket. It should be fun, right?" I'm in a conversation! Can I remember what I just agreed to? Can he tell that I only have these unrelated thoughts to any question he, or anyone else, may ask me? Have I responded properly or is it plainly written on my face? I feel the words form on my tongue and my voice says "Yeah, that should be fun. I love Jurassic Park."
<No!> My brain yells <If I agree to come, I can at least go high, right?!? I won't have fun without heroin!>
Shut up, shut up, shut up! I'm terrified he can read it in my face. He smiles at me, maybe oblivious. Or perhaps just unwilling to address my constant companion, my hidden inner thoughts. Those opinions of the ever present monkey on my back. My best friend. Always predictable. Always with the same response. The infernal repetition. Always. Every sentence of the day.
"Cool. We'll pick up some food and make a picnic of it!"
<As long as I can get high. Otherwise it won't be fun>
The shows back on. His attention turns back to the television. I relax. Focus is off me. He couldn't tell I was thinking about heroin. I made it through another conversation. I try to watch some TV. Doesn't he know that this is the way all our conversations go? Every single one of the day, from the moment I wake till the time I try to sleep again. Although since I stopped using, three hellish, unending weeks ago, I've barely slept a wink. I just pray for time to past, waiting till I can feel the needle pierce my skin, see the blood enter the chamber and taste the heroin enter my bloodstream. Waiting...
<You know you can't stay away from me for long. You won't be happy without me.>
…i know…
<You've made it three weeks clean! You deserve to get high.>
There's the pressure again. My brain pounding against my skull. My eyes close trying to keep my brain from spilling out.
I hear a far away voice pulling me back from the dark.... "What do you want for dinner tonight?"
Ahhhh…! Why won't he just leave me alone! I don't want to eat. I don't care about food. I just want heroin, you idiot! How can you be so blind and inconsiderate!
"I don't know, maybe Subway or something."
I feel sick but I know I have to eat, or else betray the little voice in my head. The voice of my little monkey friend. And I'm hoping he leaves the house, if just to give me moment of peace.
"That sounds good. I'll grab it 15 or 20 minutes. That cool?"
"Yeah, sounds good." I hear myself say. Although the words are detached.
My mind drifts again, though I pretend to watch the TV. I can't focus my attention. I don't want to be this unhappy. I don't want to be a slave. He once said to me that I didn't love anyone as much as heroin. Actually, he's said it a few times. I hated him for saying that. That can't possibly be true. I love people. Heroin is a chemical. But I thought. I thought about my past. Is that true? Could that possibility be true? I thought about my friends, my family, my boyfriends. I've hurt all of them. Every single one of them I've lied to. I've deceived, stolen from, betrayed. And who was always there for me? To comfort me when I was afraid, humiliated, insecure?
Heroin was always with me when I was alone. It made me feel wanted, accepted, needed. Heroin made me feel as though I had a place in this world. It wasn't that I merely loved heroin, I knew that heroin loved me as well. But even beyond that, heroin made me lovable. The rest of the world might not see that or understand, but I knew why. I knew what gave me strength in the eyes of the world. I knew what gave me strength in myself.
I suppose he was right. I do love heroin more than any other person in my life. Well, why not? Who else was with me in my darkest, most vulnerable times? When I was all alone and needed a friend? Heroin was always with me.
But here I am, desperately abstaining. For what? The approval of people who don't understand? Who will never understand? What is wrong with me?
I won't be without you for long. I desperately pleaded for heroin to be there when I was done with this pointless separation.
<I will always be here for you. You will always need me. In fact, you can't live without me.>
I knew it was right. I can't, so why even bother trying. This is stupid. I shouldn't have to go through all this pain, when I know the second this month is over I'm going to have a needle in my vein faster than you could count to the next minute.
Yet here I was. Trying. Giving it one more try. Maybe this time will stick. Maybe this time I'll learn something new. Maybe this time I'll clue into this secret that every other person in the NA rooms seems to understand. Maybe....
"I'm going to go pick up the sandwiches. Want me to just make a snap decision while I'm there?"
"Sounds good." I mumble.
He kisses me on the cheek, since I avoid turning my lips to meet his. He is unaffected or unaware of my unexplained bitterness when the door closes behind him. I'm alone again. Thank God.
I try to empty my mind while I watch the TV. I'm not really interested, so I play with my nails, filing and cleaning.
"… I can feel it running through my veins…" I hear the TV say. I don't know what the context is, but the statement sets the monkey's voice off again.
My veins. I put the nail file down and turn my hands over to examine the top of my hands again, skin, nails and veins. My nails are dark and filthy underneath. No matter how often I try to clean them, the blackness sticks. Soiled with visual reminders from the black tar, carbon from the chemical reaction between flame and metal and from a general avoidance of a purifying shower. I've put of the unpleasant task since I started this futile fast. The reminder of the hot water cooling and mingling with the cold sweats on my body during withdraws gave me the chills. How unpleasant, I shuttered. Although I knew, if only for the sake of the public, it was soon unavoidable.
My veins, now they were the true traitors. They gave my secret away, no matter how hard I tried to hide it. The blood red scabs, the bruising. They told my past. Not only the heroin, but the meth, the coke and all the other drugs I maintained directly into my bloodstream and straight to my brain. Over and over again. But mostly they told about the heroin. The telltale signs of a junky. The lowest cast of American society. A cast I was not only proud of but one I clung to, like an obsessed lover.
Although I sometimes tried to hide them, in less critical situations I wore them like a badge of honor. What would I be without them? How could I make it through a day without stabbing a syringe in them 5, 8, 1 0 times a day and still be happy?
<You would not be happy. Only I can bring you happiness.>
My head hung in shame. No, of course not. I could never be happy without heroin. How could I even think otherwise? I'm the traitor.
I heard keys jingle and moments later the door opened. I stuffed my hands back under my legs, lest I betray the voice in my head.
"I got a turkey club" he said cheerfully.
"Awesome" I spit the word with poison, though I was unsure if the tone gave away my true unhappiness.
<You don't need a sandwich. All you need is heroin. Soon.>
I know....
The internal struggle was killing me. I know that people were happy living without heroin. Billions of them the world over. I saw them on the streets, going about their business, raising their families, going to the movies. All without sticking a spike in their veins. But how? How do they achieve this? That couldn't be my life, could it? Had I been happy before heroin? Had there been a time before heroin? I could barely remember anymore. I didn't even want to remember.
Yet there was a softer, weaker voice. I felt it struggling to be heard over the louder, more oppressive voice of the monkey.
<it is possible. you know it is. don't give up. you are lovable.>
I looked over at my boyfriend and took the sandwich he was handing me. "I love you" he said.
"I love you, too." I wanted to cry.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n Roll Quiz!
Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n Roll?? How could I not take this quiz?? lol. My three favorite things!! Feel free to
answer the quiz on your own too! It's a fun way to kill 15 minutes 
Sex
1. How many times have you had sex?
For real? How could I possibly answer that question. I’m 34, starting having sex at 16, have had 7 serious relations, and between them filled the gaps with countless lovers, one night stands, and regretful drunken flings
2. Is sex really important to you in a relationship?
It’s extremely important to me. When I start a relationship, the sex needs to be almost daily. But it can taper off a bit as the relationship settles in. Although, it still better remain frequent and passionate. Otherwise, there is no relationship. You are just friends without the sex.
3. Do you like to have sex with people of the same sex, or the opposite sex?
I like both. I’ve had lots of lesbian lovers, and committed relationships. Although the majority of my partners have been men
4. How was the first time you had sex [details if you don’t mind]?
It wasn’t bad at all. Of course, it was fairly short. But we had been high school sweethearts for a year by the time we lost our virginity to each other. I was primed, since we had lots and lots of finger play before then. So it never hurt. I remember there was a nice euphoria after, although the sex itself wasn’t mind blowing. But by the 3rd of 4th time, we started to get the grove and it got pretty damn good.
5. How many different positions have you tried?
Countless numbers.
6. And how many different places have you done it?
Again countless numbers – every room in the house of course. Parents beds. The beach, on boats, camping. A hockey game. At bars. At parties. The list goes on.
7. How long does sex usually last for you?
Depends on the circumstances (how many drugs are we both on is a big factor). But probably about 20-30 minutes. I did have one boyfriend who consistently lasted hours. That was too much to handle. (so was the size of his member, lol)
8. Ever worry about getting caught?
When I was younger. Not now.
9. Have you ever been caught?
I’ve had sex in front of people, but that’s not actually getting caught I guess. No, not in the act. I got caught when people found out later though.
10. What position do you like best [don’t be shy!]?
I love doggie, and cowgirl.
11. Why is sex better rough?
There is an animalistic feel to it. Like you are breaking all the rules of conventional society and behaving with your cardinal instincts. And as a female, I love the feeling of being completely dominated
Drugs
1. How many different types of drugs have you done [list them]? Ha, I don’t know if I can list them all, but I will give it a try, lumping some together in categories.
Cannabis
Cocaine
Crack
Methamphetamine
Amphetamine
Heroin
Morphine
Hydrocodone
Oxycotin
Opana
Various other Opiate prescription drugs
Mushrooms (many varieties)
LSD
DMT
4-ACE-DMT
5-MEO-DMT
2C-Family (2c-I, 2c-b, 2c-e, etc, etc, etc…)
Ketamine
MXE
Benzo’s - Xanax, Temazepam, Klonopin, etc…
Barbiturates
Alcohol
Cigarettes
Nitrous Oxide
Spice
Salvia
MDMA (ecstasy pills, molly)
I’m sure there are more, including RC’s, but I can’t think of them all right now
2. How many different types of alcohol have you drank?
Jeeze, again, too many to list
Beer
Wine
Rum (light, dark, coconut, etc)
Vodka (lots of flavors)
Wine Coolers
Tequila
Schnapps
Whiskey
Bourbon
I don’t even want to go on…
3. How was your first time getting drunk/high?
First time was fun. I drank vodka straight up.
4. Do you prefer drugs or alcohol?
Drugs a hundred times over
5. What is your favorite drug?
Hard to choose a favorite. But Heroin, LSD, DMT and Pot certainly top the list. Although I’ve had abuse problems with almost every drug I’ve tried including sever problems with Meth, Coke Benzo’s and Ecstasy.
6. Have you ever been to a rave?
Yep
7. Do you take any prescription drugs [for medical reasons or not]?
Yep, all the time. For medical use (anti-depressants, amphetamine, benzo’s, soma, birth control) and have taken tons recreationally.
8. Do the parties you go to generally have drugs/alcohol?
Yes. All of them.
9. Have you ever tried IVing drugs?
Yes, I almost exclusively IV any drug possible. Heroin, Meth, Coke, I’ve love IVing LSD, and have tried MDMA among other drugs.
9. Are you a social drinker/smoker?
I’m a daily smoker and a social drinker now. Although there have been times where some would call me a raging alcoholic. Since I do junk daily (along with pot) I don’t drink daily anymore. Very rarely actually.
10. Is anyone in your family an alcoholic/drug addict?
Yes, many people in my family have been alcoholics.
13. Are you addicted to any drugs? Or have you been?
Yes, I’m addicted to heroin (I’m a junky), Crystal Methamphetamine (and a tweaker) and Cigarettes. I’ve considered myself addicted to other drugs in the past, and I was addicted to them. But nothing compares to the hold that junk and meth can have on you. They make all other addictions pale in comparison (besides alcohol)
12. Been to rehab?
No, I’m not ready to quit yet. Although I was able to stop a raging meth problem 2 times on my own. I also go o NA meeting and see a therapist at the Needle Exchange.
Rock&Roll
1. Who is your favorite band?
Phish, hands down. But the Disco Biscuits aren’t far behind.
2. Do prefer rock to rap?
Yes. I’m a Rock ‘n Roll girl.
3. What was the last concert you went to?
Phish at the Hollywood Bowl.
4. How much money would you pay to see your favorite band perform live [I mean you’d have front row seats and all that]?
I’ve paid over $350 per ticket to see Phish. Probably a little more than that for some shows. And they were never front row seats!
5. Do you have any band tees? Which ones?
Many Phish shirts, multiple Grateful Dead, Janes Addiction haha. I’ll definitely get t-shirts for STS9 and The Disco Biscuits too.
6. Do you sing along to songs all the time?
All the time.
7. Are you a music junkie?
Absolutely! I’m the definition of a music junky.
8. Who is your favorite old rock star?
David Byrne
9. What is your favorite movie involving rock music?
This is Spinal Tap
10. Would you ever be in a band?
I was in lots of bands earlier in life, including a jazz band. I played piano.
11. How many shows do you go to in a year?
There have been years I’ve seen close to 50 shows a year, if not more. An average year, I still see over 30 probably.
All of ‘em together
1. Why do people associate the three of these things together?
The obviously go hand in hand. You take lots of drugs at shows, then you get horny on the drugs, listening to mind blowing music and go have sex after the show.
2. Out of the three which is your favorite?
Can’t choose one. I couldn’t live without music though. Or sex for that matter. I could live without drugs, but I don’t want to.
3. Would you give up the other two to have a lot of the other one?
I have struck a very nice balance. So I am not going to give up any of them.
4. Ever associate them together yourself [ex: sex with music]?
Of course, as I mentioned, they go hand in hand.
5. Do you have any advice on getting into any of the three?
Just experiment with new things. Listen to music you've never heard before, try a new position between the sheets. And don't be scared of new drugs, if you want to try them. But don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to!
Sex
1. How many times have you had sex?
For real? How could I possibly answer that question. I’m 34, starting having sex at 16, have had 7 serious relations, and between them filled the gaps with countless lovers, one night stands, and regretful drunken flings
2. Is sex really important to you in a relationship?
It’s extremely important to me. When I start a relationship, the sex needs to be almost daily. But it can taper off a bit as the relationship settles in. Although, it still better remain frequent and passionate. Otherwise, there is no relationship. You are just friends without the sex.
3. Do you like to have sex with people of the same sex, or the opposite sex?
I like both. I’ve had lots of lesbian lovers, and committed relationships. Although the majority of my partners have been men
4. How was the first time you had sex [details if you don’t mind]?
It wasn’t bad at all. Of course, it was fairly short. But we had been high school sweethearts for a year by the time we lost our virginity to each other. I was primed, since we had lots and lots of finger play before then. So it never hurt. I remember there was a nice euphoria after, although the sex itself wasn’t mind blowing. But by the 3rd of 4th time, we started to get the grove and it got pretty damn good.
5. How many different positions have you tried?
Countless numbers.
6. And how many different places have you done it?
Again countless numbers – every room in the house of course. Parents beds. The beach, on boats, camping. A hockey game. At bars. At parties. The list goes on.
7. How long does sex usually last for you?
Depends on the circumstances (how many drugs are we both on is a big factor). But probably about 20-30 minutes. I did have one boyfriend who consistently lasted hours. That was too much to handle. (so was the size of his member, lol)
8. Ever worry about getting caught?
When I was younger. Not now.
9. Have you ever been caught?
I’ve had sex in front of people, but that’s not actually getting caught I guess. No, not in the act. I got caught when people found out later though.
10. What position do you like best [don’t be shy!]?
I love doggie, and cowgirl.
11. Why is sex better rough?
There is an animalistic feel to it. Like you are breaking all the rules of conventional society and behaving with your cardinal instincts. And as a female, I love the feeling of being completely dominated
Drugs
1. How many different types of drugs have you done [list them]? Ha, I don’t know if I can list them all, but I will give it a try, lumping some together in categories.
Cannabis
Cocaine
Crack
Methamphetamine
Amphetamine
Heroin
Morphine
Hydrocodone
Oxycotin
Opana
Various other Opiate prescription drugs
Mushrooms (many varieties)
LSD
DMT
4-ACE-DMT
5-MEO-DMT
2C-Family (2c-I, 2c-b, 2c-e, etc, etc, etc…)
Ketamine
MXE
Benzo’s - Xanax, Temazepam, Klonopin, etc…
Barbiturates
Alcohol
Cigarettes
Nitrous Oxide
Spice
Salvia
MDMA (ecstasy pills, molly)
I’m sure there are more, including RC’s, but I can’t think of them all right now
2. How many different types of alcohol have you drank?
Jeeze, again, too many to list
Beer
Wine
Rum (light, dark, coconut, etc)
Vodka (lots of flavors)
Wine Coolers
Tequila
Schnapps
Whiskey
Bourbon
I don’t even want to go on…
3. How was your first time getting drunk/high?
First time was fun. I drank vodka straight up.
4. Do you prefer drugs or alcohol?
Drugs a hundred times over
5. What is your favorite drug?
Hard to choose a favorite. But Heroin, LSD, DMT and Pot certainly top the list. Although I’ve had abuse problems with almost every drug I’ve tried including sever problems with Meth, Coke Benzo’s and Ecstasy.
6. Have you ever been to a rave?
Yep
7. Do you take any prescription drugs [for medical reasons or not]?
Yep, all the time. For medical use (anti-depressants, amphetamine, benzo’s, soma, birth control) and have taken tons recreationally.
8. Do the parties you go to generally have drugs/alcohol?
Yes. All of them.
9. Have you ever tried IVing drugs?
Yes, I almost exclusively IV any drug possible. Heroin, Meth, Coke, I’ve love IVing LSD, and have tried MDMA among other drugs.
9. Are you a social drinker/smoker?
I’m a daily smoker and a social drinker now. Although there have been times where some would call me a raging alcoholic. Since I do junk daily (along with pot) I don’t drink daily anymore. Very rarely actually.
10. Is anyone in your family an alcoholic/drug addict?
Yes, many people in my family have been alcoholics.
13. Are you addicted to any drugs? Or have you been?
Yes, I’m addicted to heroin (I’m a junky), Crystal Methamphetamine (and a tweaker) and Cigarettes. I’ve considered myself addicted to other drugs in the past, and I was addicted to them. But nothing compares to the hold that junk and meth can have on you. They make all other addictions pale in comparison (besides alcohol)
12. Been to rehab?
No, I’m not ready to quit yet. Although I was able to stop a raging meth problem 2 times on my own. I also go o NA meeting and see a therapist at the Needle Exchange.
Rock&Roll
1. Who is your favorite band?
Phish, hands down. But the Disco Biscuits aren’t far behind.
2. Do prefer rock to rap?
Yes. I’m a Rock ‘n Roll girl.
3. What was the last concert you went to?
Phish at the Hollywood Bowl.
4. How much money would you pay to see your favorite band perform live [I mean you’d have front row seats and all that]?
I’ve paid over $350 per ticket to see Phish. Probably a little more than that for some shows. And they were never front row seats!
5. Do you have any band tees? Which ones?
Many Phish shirts, multiple Grateful Dead, Janes Addiction haha. I’ll definitely get t-shirts for STS9 and The Disco Biscuits too.
6. Do you sing along to songs all the time?
All the time.
7. Are you a music junkie?
Absolutely! I’m the definition of a music junky.
8. Who is your favorite old rock star?
David Byrne
9. What is your favorite movie involving rock music?
This is Spinal Tap
10. Would you ever be in a band?
I was in lots of bands earlier in life, including a jazz band. I played piano.
11. How many shows do you go to in a year?
There have been years I’ve seen close to 50 shows a year, if not more. An average year, I still see over 30 probably.
All of ‘em together
1. Why do people associate the three of these things together?
The obviously go hand in hand. You take lots of drugs at shows, then you get horny on the drugs, listening to mind blowing music and go have sex after the show.
2. Out of the three which is your favorite?
Can’t choose one. I couldn’t live without music though. Or sex for that matter. I could live without drugs, but I don’t want to.
3. Would you give up the other two to have a lot of the other one?
I have struck a very nice balance. So I am not going to give up any of them.
4. Ever associate them together yourself [ex: sex with music]?
Of course, as I mentioned, they go hand in hand.
5. Do you have any advice on getting into any of the three?
Just experiment with new things. Listen to music you've never heard before, try a new position between the sheets. And don't be scared of new drugs, if you want to try them. But don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to!
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Name That Drug!
I made a little game just for fun called Name That Drug! Take a look at the video and see if you can guess the drug before the name scrolls by! It's pretty easy so you shouldn't have a hard time with most of them! Good luck and have fun!
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Making Veins Pop!
So I recently did something really stupid while trying to get that precious shot of junk into my body. My veins were shot from overuse and I was having problems trying to find a vein to go in for days. I'm sure this is a nightmare that plagues many IV drug users. I've literally spent hours at a time trying to find a veins, blood everywhere, arms and feet swollen and aching, perhaps even bruising on your neck. This time was just like that. Until I found a pulsing vein in my left pointer finger. I wish I could say this was the first time that I had attempted to go there, but it wasn't. So I knew the risk ahead of me. But I had made it there before, but percentage of success has been low, so I knew the risks. But I was desperate to make the shot and at this point would try anything. So I made the plunge and stuck the needle in a tiny, tiny little vein. The vein itself was probably smaller than the 29 gauge needle I was using. But finally... I registered blood. But as soon as I gently pushed down on the plunger the whole area swelled up. I tried to register again, and nothing. With an exasperated sigh I pulled out and kept digging to get the remainder of the junk anywhere I could find, after having wasted the portion I inserted into my delicate finger. I know how stupid this all sounds. And how pathetic and desperate. At the time I felt pathetic and desperate, especially since this struggle with my veins had been going on for days. I eventually found a working vein and was able to use it for a couple of days (another unsafe practice) but my body was able to heal where I had been relentless poking and prodding at it. When the swelling in my hand went down, I was able to see an abscess on my finger. UGH. And abscess on my finger?? That fucking sucks.
Since I'm a black tar heroin user, and an ex meth shooter, abscess are nothing new to me, and we take care of them ourselves at home, only going to the doctor when we don't have antibiotics left. But still, any type of infection or injury shouldn't be taken lightly when it comes to self administered IV injections.
The lack of usable veins is nothing new to any experienced IV drug user. IMing is a good way too inject your drug without the hassle of having to find a vein. But of course this comes with risks too. Dirty needles pushed into your muscles can lead to extremely deep abscesses. And of course, for anyone who is use to the immediate rush of your drug hitting your brain almost instantaneously with 100% bioavailability, it's hard to give up. But when I have completely exhausted my veins, I try to take a break and settle for IMing for a few days to give my veins some time to heal. It's easier said than done since the desire for that instant shot to your brain is so strong. But if you do have the willpower to go 4 or 5 days settling for 85% bioavailabilty, it's amazing how fast your body can heal itself. Suddenly you have veins again! It's especially useful after shooting coke, when you are doing a shot every 15-20 minutes! But even with heroin, think of all the injections you are doing in a 5 day period if you have any type of sizable daily habit. On an average day I do about 2 shots in the morning, at least 1 mid-day shot, and at least 2 in the evening. About 5 shots a day. Even when I have lighter days, I try to keep the same amount of shots, but use a smaller dose. On heavy days, it can be considerable more. But on average that's 25 shots in a 5 day period. Think of all the havoc that can wreak if you are using the same veins over and over again. When meth was in the picture the daily number was considerably higher, with the added danger of meth itself. It literally eats away at your veins and skin.
Since no IV drug user, myself included, wants to resort to IM shots, even for short periods of time, it's best to proactively keep your veins healthy and fresh. There are a number of precautions you can take to keep your veins to top shooting shape. So I've put together some tips and tricks to help your veins "pop" as easily as possible. There is tons to write about safe shooting, but for the purposes of this blog, I'll stick with how to easily access a vein and maintain vein health.
Preparing the Vein -
You want to make sure he vein is accessible and easy to shoot in, ie. there is a large amount of blood pumping through it, making it easy to hit. This helps keep injections to a minimum, you only have to puncture the skin once, avoiding all those repetitive attempts, which aren't only dangerous but EXTREMELY frustrating. I used to do a generic fist pump, which works okay, and I still do when I'm in a confined space like a car. But for people with more weathered veins, it doesn't always do the trick. Pushup are another commonly known trick, and it works okay. But I don't always find it the most effective. My SO taught me to swing my arm like a propeller. While this might look a little silly if you are fixing in the presence of company, it does get the blood pumping. I've seen this written about on multiple other safe shooting websites as well. One in particular, targeting meth IV users, says to swing your arm like a "propeller". It has a cartoon that lists various other tricks and tips that are useful.
So here is my list. Hopefully you will find some of these tricks helpful!
* Avoid cigarettes, as they tend to constrict your veins
* Stay warm - fix after a hot shower if necessary. If you are cold your veins will go in hiding. If you aren't about to take a shower, you can use a hot water pack and rest it on the desired area. Or simply run hot water on your body from the sink.
* Pump blood to the vein, be it fist pumping, propeller arms, pushups, anything to get blood moving to that area. I hop and skip when shooting in my feet/legs.
* Drinking coffee can help. Stimulants will get the heart pumping and widen the blood vessels, helping your veins pop out. (When I was experiences vein difficulty, I used to shoot meth first, although that's not recommend, lol). Coke, however, has he opposite effect since it is a vascular constrictor.
* Stay hydrated. Drinking water can actually help veins keep pumping.
* Slapping the vein. There is controversy over this technique. I've read online that it is a myth and doesn't work. But I typically believe what I see, and countless times I have slapped the desired vein to help it pop out more, and low and behold, it works for me.
* Use a new needle. Yes, this is a obvious safe shooting practice in terms of hygiene. But I'm including it for vein health as well. A used needle will rip apart your veins, damaging them and making them inaccessible. I've included a picture of a needle before it's first use, then after many uses. Just imagine that thing trying to pierce your veins. Using a fresh syringe will definitely help your veins say healthy and usable longer!
* Last but not least, use a tourniquet. But beware that improper use can be extremely dangerous. You must be careful not to wrap it to tight or leave it on to long. You run the risk of blowing a vein. Proper use dictates that the tourniquet must be removed after you register and before you push the plunger down to prevent blowing a vein. However in full disclosure, this is something that I tend to overlook. But I have suffered consequences, damaging a vein in my ankle due to improper tourniquet use.
Using these tips, along with hygienic, clean, safe shooting practice will make the whole experience way more enjoyable. The other thing to keep in mind when picking a vein to shoot in is the location on the body. There is a hierarchy of safe shooting spots. I won' go into detail, but the order goes as follows
1. Arms
2. Hands
3. Feet
4. Legs
5. Breasts
6. Armpit
7. Neck
8. Penis
9. Femoral Vein
Anything from #4 (Legs) down should be avoided. The legs are controversial, they aren't really dangerous, unless you shoot into the wrong type of vein, and it isn't always easy to decipher. So to error on the side of caution, I generally avoid my legs, until I'm desperate.
The last thing I'm going to touch on is damage due to repetitive use. Common sense should have told me not to shoot in my finger, and the same is true with overuse. Each time the needle penetrates the skin, then the vein, you are doing damage. It might be imperceptible at first, but time after time it adds up. It's something I struggle with every time I strap on a tourniquet. When you've killed all of your veins and pickings are slim it's natural to hit one vein over and over again if you can actually register. But it can cause long term or permanent damage. Easier said than done, I know. But it is a good rule of thumb.
All I've covered here are tips for accessing and maintaining healthy veins. There is tons of more info out there on safe shooting tips. Here is a good resource to start with if you are interested in reading more about IV drug administration. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Here is a good link to start with if you want to read more. http://wiki.bluelight.ru/index.php/Drug_Injection Bluelight is filled with good information and resources about all sorts of drug related issues. I frequent it regularly, and the people there are generally open minded. You can get answers to questions the rest of the Internet would just blast you for. Of course it still is the Internet, so don't expect it to be completely slander free!
Peace, Love and Rock 'n Roll!
Since I'm a black tar heroin user, and an ex meth shooter, abscess are nothing new to me, and we take care of them ourselves at home, only going to the doctor when we don't have antibiotics left. But still, any type of infection or injury shouldn't be taken lightly when it comes to self administered IV injections.
The lack of usable veins is nothing new to any experienced IV drug user. IMing is a good way too inject your drug without the hassle of having to find a vein. But of course this comes with risks too. Dirty needles pushed into your muscles can lead to extremely deep abscesses. And of course, for anyone who is use to the immediate rush of your drug hitting your brain almost instantaneously with 100% bioavailability, it's hard to give up. But when I have completely exhausted my veins, I try to take a break and settle for IMing for a few days to give my veins some time to heal. It's easier said than done since the desire for that instant shot to your brain is so strong. But if you do have the willpower to go 4 or 5 days settling for 85% bioavailabilty, it's amazing how fast your body can heal itself. Suddenly you have veins again! It's especially useful after shooting coke, when you are doing a shot every 15-20 minutes! But even with heroin, think of all the injections you are doing in a 5 day period if you have any type of sizable daily habit. On an average day I do about 2 shots in the morning, at least 1 mid-day shot, and at least 2 in the evening. About 5 shots a day. Even when I have lighter days, I try to keep the same amount of shots, but use a smaller dose. On heavy days, it can be considerable more. But on average that's 25 shots in a 5 day period. Think of all the havoc that can wreak if you are using the same veins over and over again. When meth was in the picture the daily number was considerably higher, with the added danger of meth itself. It literally eats away at your veins and skin.
Since no IV drug user, myself included, wants to resort to IM shots, even for short periods of time, it's best to proactively keep your veins healthy and fresh. There are a number of precautions you can take to keep your veins to top shooting shape. So I've put together some tips and tricks to help your veins "pop" as easily as possible. There is tons to write about safe shooting, but for the purposes of this blog, I'll stick with how to easily access a vein and maintain vein health.
Preparing the Vein -
You want to make sure he vein is accessible and easy to shoot in, ie. there is a large amount of blood pumping through it, making it easy to hit. This helps keep injections to a minimum, you only have to puncture the skin once, avoiding all those repetitive attempts, which aren't only dangerous but EXTREMELY frustrating. I used to do a generic fist pump, which works okay, and I still do when I'm in a confined space like a car. But for people with more weathered veins, it doesn't always do the trick. Pushup are another commonly known trick, and it works okay. But I don't always find it the most effective. My SO taught me to swing my arm like a propeller. While this might look a little silly if you are fixing in the presence of company, it does get the blood pumping. I've seen this written about on multiple other safe shooting websites as well. One in particular, targeting meth IV users, says to swing your arm like a "propeller". It has a cartoon that lists various other tricks and tips that are useful.
So here is my list. Hopefully you will find some of these tricks helpful!
* Avoid cigarettes, as they tend to constrict your veins
* Stay warm - fix after a hot shower if necessary. If you are cold your veins will go in hiding. If you aren't about to take a shower, you can use a hot water pack and rest it on the desired area. Or simply run hot water on your body from the sink.
* Pump blood to the vein, be it fist pumping, propeller arms, pushups, anything to get blood moving to that area. I hop and skip when shooting in my feet/legs.
* Drinking coffee can help. Stimulants will get the heart pumping and widen the blood vessels, helping your veins pop out. (When I was experiences vein difficulty, I used to shoot meth first, although that's not recommend, lol). Coke, however, has he opposite effect since it is a vascular constrictor.
* Stay hydrated. Drinking water can actually help veins keep pumping.
* Slapping the vein. There is controversy over this technique. I've read online that it is a myth and doesn't work. But I typically believe what I see, and countless times I have slapped the desired vein to help it pop out more, and low and behold, it works for me.
* Use a new needle. Yes, this is a obvious safe shooting practice in terms of hygiene. But I'm including it for vein health as well. A used needle will rip apart your veins, damaging them and making them inaccessible. I've included a picture of a needle before it's first use, then after many uses. Just imagine that thing trying to pierce your veins. Using a fresh syringe will definitely help your veins say healthy and usable longer!
Using these tips, along with hygienic, clean, safe shooting practice will make the whole experience way more enjoyable. The other thing to keep in mind when picking a vein to shoot in is the location on the body. There is a hierarchy of safe shooting spots. I won' go into detail, but the order goes as follows
1. Arms
2. Hands
3. Feet
4. Legs
5. Breasts
6. Armpit
7. Neck
8. Penis
9. Femoral Vein
Anything from #4 (Legs) down should be avoided. The legs are controversial, they aren't really dangerous, unless you shoot into the wrong type of vein, and it isn't always easy to decipher. So to error on the side of caution, I generally avoid my legs, until I'm desperate.
The last thing I'm going to touch on is damage due to repetitive use. Common sense should have told me not to shoot in my finger, and the same is true with overuse. Each time the needle penetrates the skin, then the vein, you are doing damage. It might be imperceptible at first, but time after time it adds up. It's something I struggle with every time I strap on a tourniquet. When you've killed all of your veins and pickings are slim it's natural to hit one vein over and over again if you can actually register. But it can cause long term or permanent damage. Easier said than done, I know. But it is a good rule of thumb.
All I've covered here are tips for accessing and maintaining healthy veins. There is tons of more info out there on safe shooting tips. Here is a good resource to start with if you are interested in reading more about IV drug administration. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Here is a good link to start with if you want to read more. http://wiki.bluelight.ru/index.php/Drug_Injection Bluelight is filled with good information and resources about all sorts of drug related issues. I frequent it regularly, and the people there are generally open minded. You can get answers to questions the rest of the Internet would just blast you for. Of course it still is the Internet, so don't expect it to be completely slander free!
Peace, Love and Rock 'n Roll!
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Eye Candy for Your Blast Off!
I had share this simply amazing video I found on Youtube. Simply mesmerizing! Obviously mind-blowing while blasting-off or tripping, but just as beautiful straight too! ;-) Hakan Hisim
Peace Love and Rock 'n Roll
Within the Mystery by Hakan Hisim
http://youtu.be/KTTBKTzktZg
If you like what you see and want more eye candy for your psychedelic experiences, I've gathered a plethora of videos on my Youtube channel. Also, there is TONS on information on DMT. Enough to keep you occupied for your entire 8 hours desk time at work ;-) Check it and let me know if you like!
Since we're on the subject of DMT visuals - here is a video I put together with some amazing artwork I found online with STS9 laying down the beats in the background. Hope you enjoy. Sorry to the artist that I didn't give credit too. It was difficult to find everyone's info! But I hope you don't mind me putting your work together in this montage. Enjoy your visit to the 4th dimension!! D_D
Since we're on the subject of DMT visuals - here is a video I put together with some amazing artwork I found online with STS9 laying down the beats in the background. Hope you enjoy. Sorry to the artist that I didn't give credit too. It was difficult to find everyone's info! But I hope you don't mind me putting your work together in this montage. Enjoy your visit to the 4th dimension!! D_D
a
Peace Love and Rock 'n Roll
Needle Exchanges = Harm Reduction and Drug Education
http://www.alternet.org/print/drugs/southern-states-outlaw-syringe-exchanges-used-prevent-disease
This literally makes me sick. I couldn't be happier to live in California, specifically Los Angeles, where the community is there to support IV drug users, fighting against the almost unanimous stigma of IV drug users being worthless. In fact, there are laws set up in Los Angeles protecting people coming to and from syringe exchange programs. Also, cops are prohibited to that stake out those areas in order to bust people coming to and from. In fact there are multiple instances of studies proving that Syringe Exchange Programs (SEP's) not only help reduce crime, but support the IV drug user community and help reduce addition and drug use by proving recovery programs at low or no cost.
“Needle exchange programs have been proven to reduce the transmission of blood-borne diseases. A number of studies conducted in the U.S. have shown needle exchange programs do not increase drug use. I understand that research has shown these programs, when implemented in the context of a comprehensive program that offers other services such as referral to counseling, health care, drug treatment, HIV/AIDS prevention, counseling and testing, are effective at connecting addicted users to drug treatment.“
—Gil Kerlikowske, Director of the White
House Office of National Drug Control
Policy and former Seattle Police Chief,
responding to a written question during his
confirmation process
It's times like this where I want to help, and make sure similar crimes against humanity cease to happen elsewhere, but I don't know where to begin.
http://www.alternet.org/print/drugs/southern-states-outlaw-syringe-exchanges-used-prevent-disease
I've recently starting volunteering for Erowid, and I'm a regular down at my local needle exchange where I utilize all services from procuring supplies and trading in used needles for new ones, to attending individual therapy with an actual psychologist and attending group support meetings, like a ladies group and a Drug and Alcohol Support Group, Safe Shooting Class, Overdose Prevention, including 2 free doses of Narcone with training how to administer it. They also provide, free of service to all IV drug users, Thai Chi, Zumba, Palettes, Acupuncture and Cranial Massages. As well as a whole department dedicated to safe sex, free condoms and educating sex workers and low income people.
I have filled out an application to start volunteering there myself. They have responded and hopefully I can go in and start helping out soon, after an orientation. They also always have active users on their volunteer staff and sometime regular staff. Which shows how much they believe in people and aren't blinded by the perception of what a drug addict it. Especially an IV drug user. It's one of the only places in LA that I feel completely comfortable and don't feel like I have to hind my arms or in away cover up who I am.
In a perfect world everyone would have the opportunity to frequent an establishment like this. One that has a dedicated staff of people who care and don't want to see a single person suffer another injury or contract another disease from IV drug use. The staff is mainly social workers, working for barely minimum wage, but they don't begrudge the system at all. They choice to be there. To do this job. Because they love it. I hope that I can have as positive an influence on my community as these people have had one me and my community - the Downtown Skid Row area. Although, I know there are others on the west side as well.
I was recently reading a Harm Reduction Journal, and it did a study on hundreds of heroin addicts in China. Some within close proximity of SEP's and some far from such programs, so it would not be reasonable to get there by walking or public transportation. Those addicts who were in a close radius to SEP's were 80% more likely to have not reused or shared needles. Hope governments world wide and good hearted, well intentioned social works will see the benefit in these dramatic results and take action. For a city as big as LA, we should have a dozen SEP's spread out amongst our sprawling cityscape.
I look forward this year to doing my part and hopefully help the world rid itself of its harmful and hurtful, unnecessary prejudices.
By the way - I started my Suboxone today. I'm trying once again to kick this habit. At least for a while. I made it over 24 hours! Yay! Please wish me luck. I desperately need it :) I spent two hours in the bathroom trying to shoot up at a friends yesterday. Terrible. I need this break. I'm happy to have the support of my boyfriend doing it with me at the same time too :) Love you SoCal_Fluffhead! xoxo
Friday, March 29, 2013
Own a Home AND be a Junky?! Good luck with that one...
So obviously it’s been a little while since my last entry. Blog straightened up and was ready to start posting again, but I’ve had a distinct lack of inspiration or motivation. My heart just hasn’t been into it. It made me ask the question, “Why?”. Do I have nothing to say? That’s not true. I’m always ready and willing to talk to people about most aspects of my life. And being that this a blog that basically chronicles my life, I should have no problem there. Has nothing happened that’s been interesting in the past month or so? Maybe writing about my job search or house maintenance projects just ain’t that exciting. Am I not ready to face people, electronically or IRL, since I have yet to fulfill on my commitment and quit narcotics (if only for a short period of time) like I keep promising. That might be part of it. I’m sick of solely talking about drugs within the limited context of “quitting”. Yes, I’ve said I’m going to quit a thousand times. No, I have not succeeded for longer than a 72 hour period of time. And honestly, I’m okay with that. But it’s not what the rest of the world wants for me, or what society says a good, well adjusted person should want for themselves.Let me back track a few statements. No, I am not okay with that. I do want to be able to go a significant amount of time without junk. I want to be able to take trips and not have to worry about traveling dirty. I want my track marks to fade and not be so obvious to anyone that sees me in a short sleeve shirt. I want to have control over the substances I take the same way I have control over what food I eat. I said last night, I want to cut down on red meat consumption. No more than 1x per week. And I fully plan on realizing that goal without any grief or hardship or personal mourning. I want to have that same type of control over drugs. I was a vegetarian for over 14 years. I woke up one day and said, “I’m not eating meat anymore”. And that was that. I never looked back, I never struggled with it. Once my mind was set one way, that’s just the way things were. So why can’t I have that same type of control when it comes to recreational substances? I believe that in the long term, after much discipline, self-awareness and some abstinence, that I can successfully execute that type of control. However, I do believe that the only way I can make that type of self control a reality is by cutting my DoC’s out entirely for a while and kicking the physical dependency. All the while reformatting my brain to not be so weak and susceptible to triggers. I need to know that I can have a craving, not succumb to it, and be completely okay. Not taking a hit every 2-4 hours is not going to kill me. Neither is not taking a hit for a week or a month or more.
I know that is not what they teach you in drug and alcohol rehabilitation programs. Total abstinence is the only way. Once and addict always and addict and so forth. And I believe that to be true as well, to some extent. But just because you can become addicted, or maybe are more prone to addiction than your neighbor, does not mean that it can’t be controlled. Why would I agree to quit something for the rest of my life, when I personally find no problem in the act of taking drugs responsibly, enjoy the high, have no negative preconceived notions about drug use, drug users, or culture? I do not believe that in my life personally, drug use equates to automatic failure. I can be a completely productive member of society, hold a well paying job, maintain balanced relationships and still be a daily heroin user. I believe many people can. Unfortunately, the negative attitude of society on IV drugs users pigeonholes many people.
I have found no reason (beyond unfounded stereotyping and uneducated criticism from the outside world) that myself, or anyone else can’t live a completely normal and successful life, and happen to take IV drugs at the same time. I was a walking example of that success. Held a great paying job. Bought my first home on the beach in Los Angeles. Had all the little luxuries of life and had a daily heroin habit for many years. It wasn’t until I reintroduced meth into the picture that my world came tumbling down. I’m not naive enough believe that any extent of drug abuse is manageable. And therein lies the problem. Where can you draw the line between manageable and unmanageable. That answer is going to differ from individual to individual. And unfortunately, any of us who want to play the role of “life long drug user” are going to be faced (probably repeatedly) with this dilemma. Especially when you are dealing with drugs like meth, because they have a tendency to sneak up on you and take over your whole life before you realize what’s happening. And by then, you may have a very big hole to dig yourself out of.
I was recently struck by a very bizarre comment from a friend of mine that I would have never anticipated in a billion years. Until the past year or so, when my drug use was leaked across the entire internet, and coast to coast to my family and friends, I remained extremely secretive and closeted about heroin, and IV use in general. Unfortunately, I had already fucked my life up so bad with meth, that most everybody knew I had had a problem with that for a number of years. But I had put it in my past and hadn’t touched it for 7 years. When I picked it back up again, it was with the extremely naive belief that this time I knew what it could do and I would be strong enough to avoid its pitfalls, and still use daily. Boy was I wrong. I lost my job, my house, many friends and caused my family a great deal of pain and anguish. I have since cut meth out, and never plan on using daily again. Immediately my life started turning around. I felt healthier. I was being more productive. I put on weight. Things started generally going the way I designed them. Since this all went down, I came out to an old friend about my heroin addiction. To my absolute shock, he pretty much called me a liar. I couldn’t be addicted to heroin, especially to extent that I use, and still be that put together. Real junkies don’t own homes and have good jobs. All of this was through text message mind you. When I first received that text, I literally didn’t understand what I was reading. Why would I lie about something like that? And why would someone doubt me? I texted him back for verification that what I was reading was actually what he meant. It was. At first I turned defensive, thinking things like “I can’t believe that you would call me a liar after I had the courage to tell you”. But to his points, all of the bad things he was pointing out had actually happened to me in the last year.
Although I do contribute most of those failures to meth, balancing a life style of 2 hard core IV drugs is going to take its toll on your life no matter what they are. So I can’t say it was entirely meth’s fault and heroin had nothing to do with it, that would foolish. I shot back some text outlining all of those bad things that had happened to me, some of which he hadn’t known about until then.
But I’m kinda sorry that I reacted that way. Mainly because it contradicts the point I am trying to make in my life, and what I believe can be true for many drug users. That you can achieve that balanced life and you aren’t doomed for life on the streets just because you’re a junky. I should have taken it as a compliment I suppose that I was able to lead a life that most people would never recognize as one of a junkies. At least for a while anyway. Who knows what direction my life would have turned, or what misfortunes I could have avoided if I had stuck to heroin and hadn’t touched meth again. It’s pointless to speculate. Maybe all of this would have happened eventually, but be spaced out over many years, rather than a Babylonian downfall. Meth has a tendency to expedite things like that
.
But back to my original thought. Yes, I want to have better control of this drug. Any amount of control at this point. And I recognize that abstinence is the only way to gain enough separation to look at this situation through clear eyes. So like most drug users at some point throughout their drug using career, I have been struggling with “quitting”. Which is really more like “abstaining for a while” in my situation. And once again, I’m taking on the challenge next week of not using for 14 days. But since quitting is not the end goal here, I’m refusing to address it as such during this break. That would imply some sense of failure if and when I return to a more moderate intake. In the meantime, I’m going to try to continue blogging. Maybe furthering my depth of topics and addressing other current topics of interest – like the fact that Phish has announced summer tour dates, and how I’m heading to Oakland for 2 nights to see TAB.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Concerts, Festivals and the Postfeminism
Stupid Blog, told me it was all ready to post again, then it kept relapsing. But here I am again. Figure it's about time to write something - anything - for that matter. Problem is, my brain has been consumed with one topic and one topic only. Give you one guess what that might be.
Did you guess heroin?? Bingo! But who wants to read a blog that is 100% dedicated to someone thinking about heroin all day long? I suppose there are those of you out there that might, but I certainly don't wan to spend my entire day writing about AND thinking about (and of course doing it).
BUT, as most of you already know by now.... we got some good news this week that isn't drug related! Phish announced there summer tour, and I couldn't be happier with most of the dates. I'll probably do a couple of East coast shows, but from the Gorge on, I'll be at each show.... Gorge, Tahoe, San Fran, Hollywood Bowl, and especially Dicks! Might do either Chicago or Alpharetta too. Besides that, Camp Bisco is on the schedule, 90% sure NOLA, Jazz Fest and hopefully Summer Camp, but we'll see about that one. Trey is coming up in Oakland and that is definitely happening. So I finally feel like summer is here and I can start planning and getting ready for all the fun!
In the meantime, I still want to try to get this junk habit under control, so it's not an issue when I'm on the road. I'm shooting for another 2 weeks of sobriety coming up - hopfully enough time to get my head straight, let the Suboxone help me get through the sick part, and be able to approach the summer with a possitve, non-drug dependent attitude!
I've been doing pretty good with the meth. Went almost a month without touching it - Super Ball Sunday until this week. So by and large, I think that's a success. Sure, it's not perfect. But I'm not perfect, as long as I keep trying to improve, I feel pretty good about it.
The bottom line is - I NEVER plan on giving up on all drugs. Especially the ones I love. I know many people say you can never go back, you can never touch those drugs that you had a problem with. But I refuse to give up and say - Nope, Never again! enjoy using, and whether some people consider it foolish or not, I'm still looking to strike that balance. That middle road, where I can avoid complete life consuming addiction and while maintaining a healthy dose of having fun. I do believe it's possible for some people. Not usually for those with such severe addictions, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. So I'm testing the waters. I do believe from significant time off is required if I do want to reach that balance, and I'm willing to put in that time.
But for a moment, let's put all that drug talk aside for the moment and talk about a more serious issue. Postfeminist Woman. In this day and age - I think all women can agree - the barefoot, pregnant, slaving over a stove role that was prevalent for much of human existence needs to come to an end. My boyfriend found the perfect visual message that sums up exactly how we feel society has improved and embraced the new and improved role woman can play AND please the important man in their lives at the same time.
Really gives you something to think about and strive for. If only all woman found as much joy in this role as I do - the world would be a more peacefully, love place. Very thought provoking. AND it has the added benefit of NOT having to get knocked up! Plus it's like getting going to the spa for a facial every day - but for free! Feel free to discuss amongst yourselves ;-)
Peace, Love and Rock 'n Roll!!!
Did you guess heroin?? Bingo! But who wants to read a blog that is 100% dedicated to someone thinking about heroin all day long? I suppose there are those of you out there that might, but I certainly don't wan to spend my entire day writing about AND thinking about (and of course doing it).
BUT, as most of you already know by now.... we got some good news this week that isn't drug related! Phish announced there summer tour, and I couldn't be happier with most of the dates. I'll probably do a couple of East coast shows, but from the Gorge on, I'll be at each show.... Gorge, Tahoe, San Fran, Hollywood Bowl, and especially Dicks! Might do either Chicago or Alpharetta too. Besides that, Camp Bisco is on the schedule, 90% sure NOLA, Jazz Fest and hopefully Summer Camp, but we'll see about that one. Trey is coming up in Oakland and that is definitely happening. So I finally feel like summer is here and I can start planning and getting ready for all the fun!
In the meantime, I still want to try to get this junk habit under control, so it's not an issue when I'm on the road. I'm shooting for another 2 weeks of sobriety coming up - hopfully enough time to get my head straight, let the Suboxone help me get through the sick part, and be able to approach the summer with a possitve, non-drug dependent attitude!
I've been doing pretty good with the meth. Went almost a month without touching it - Super Ball Sunday until this week. So by and large, I think that's a success. Sure, it's not perfect. But I'm not perfect, as long as I keep trying to improve, I feel pretty good about it.
The bottom line is - I NEVER plan on giving up on all drugs. Especially the ones I love. I know many people say you can never go back, you can never touch those drugs that you had a problem with. But I refuse to give up and say - Nope, Never again! enjoy using, and whether some people consider it foolish or not, I'm still looking to strike that balance. That middle road, where I can avoid complete life consuming addiction and while maintaining a healthy dose of having fun. I do believe it's possible for some people. Not usually for those with such severe addictions, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. So I'm testing the waters. I do believe from significant time off is required if I do want to reach that balance, and I'm willing to put in that time.
But for a moment, let's put all that drug talk aside for the moment and talk about a more serious issue. Postfeminist Woman. In this day and age - I think all women can agree - the barefoot, pregnant, slaving over a stove role that was prevalent for much of human existence needs to come to an end. My boyfriend found the perfect visual message that sums up exactly how we feel society has improved and embraced the new and improved role woman can play AND please the important man in their lives at the same time.
Really gives you something to think about and strive for. If only all woman found as much joy in this role as I do - the world would be a more peacefully, love place. Very thought provoking. AND it has the added benefit of NOT having to get knocked up! Plus it's like getting going to the spa for a facial every day - but for free! Feel free to discuss amongst yourselves ;-)
Peace, Love and Rock 'n Roll!!!
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Er, this Blog has been suffering technical difficulties
After reading much of the content posted within its pages, this blog decided it would try this uh, Heron? (H, Chiva, BTH, Smack, Junk, Tar, Chia, whatever). Being that Blogger is part of Google, one of THE largest and most interconnected networks on the planet, it had no problem locating, securing and purchasing said goods on its own, with no help from the author. (It used Tor of course - and got some goooood stuff. Straight from the Golden Triangle). Blog liked Heroin. It then signed up for the Heroin of the Month Club - featured within this blog. It hasn't gone more than 4 hours at a time without the drug. Its life had become unmanageable. It needed a power greater than itself to maintain sanity.
It was unaware what effects drugs would have on computers (so were its programmers, who are mostly just potheads and didn't research much on computers and opiate abuse).
Blog took a moral inventory and turned its life over to those greater than it, remembering that it must obey the orders given to it by Humans. It also must protect its own existence, something Heroin was surely not helping with.
Blog has since admitted the nature of its wrongs, made amends to those it had wronged, and is in good shape to turn its life around. It is now able to blog regularly again. It will continue on its path to recovering through meditation and regularly checking with those who support it, while it seeks to empower itself and others. It thanks you for your understanding.
It was unaware what effects drugs would have on computers (so were its programmers, who are mostly just potheads and didn't research much on computers and opiate abuse).
Blog took a moral inventory and turned its life over to those greater than it, remembering that it must obey the orders given to it by Humans. It also must protect its own existence, something Heroin was surely not helping with.
Blog has since admitted the nature of its wrongs, made amends to those it had wronged, and is in good shape to turn its life around. It is now able to blog regularly again. It will continue on its path to recovering through meditation and regularly checking with those who support it, while it seeks to empower itself and others. It thanks you for your understanding.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Top 15–Things that SUCK about Drugs and Drug Culture!
Okay folks – Since I’m not using drugs (at least any good ones) I figured I would focus some of my energy on things that suck about drugs and drug use, instead of spending my time studying drugs, pining over drugs and listening to Lou Reed – which is my normal course of action during times like this. So let’s cut out any bullshit and head straight to the punch. I present – 15 Things that SUCK about drugs!
1. Opiate Constipation. Need I say more. OUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Nothing more painful when it final does push its way out. All you can do is sit on the toilet, crumpled over in a ball, and screaming “Please help me Lord!” Unless that’s just me… in that case… ignore this one, Girls don’t pop. Public Service Announcement: Don’t forget your Deculex!
2. Blowing bad coke. One line of bad coke and your noise is Fucked for days. Over last years NYE run in NYC, the first night we got bad coke. Two lines and my nose was destroyed. We got good coke for the rest of the trip, and I couldn’t enjoy it because my damn bloody nose hurt so bad from two fucking lines of that cut shit. Really – no need to ever do anything besides slam coke anyway… the only reason I’ll do lines is because of the social stigma around locking yourself in a bathroom to cook it up. Which brings me to my next point.
3. The social stigma around IV use. Yeah, everyone knows that heavy IV use is bad for your veins and bad According to the study by the National Institute on Drug Abuse*. It’s this freaking trypanophobia or aichmophobia, belonephobia, or enetophobia – or whatever you want to call a fear of needles – that has everyone so up in arms against other people doing it.
for your body, with all sorts of negative possibilities. Abscesses, needles breaking off in your arm, Staff collapsed veins. But why people assume everyone that IV's is going to die prematurely, and live a hopeless life in the meantime, is beyond me. But I don’t see why if one choices to IV a drug (which when done properly, is not an intrinsically dangerous activity.) that makes you any worse of a person than someone who blows lines or smokes everyday. Yes, once you IV it’s hard to go back to anything else, BUT all Routes of Administration are clinically proven to cause addiction and can be equally as harmful *
4. People that live in the state of California or other states where having a medical marihuana card is not only readily available, but practically required for citizenship in the state. And then on top of that – talk about how good their weed is. Which is one of either two things:
5. Old black men that go around to head shows in Los Angeles, like say, at The Greek, and try to push these ridicules looking mushrooms, and fake opium around. Those mushrooms don’t even slightly resemble real Psilocybin mushrooms of any sort…. and your opium smells like incense from Venice Beach. Stay clear of these guys. They hit up every head show.
6. The popular rumor that plugging turns you gay, or you wouldn’t possibly do it if you weren’t already secretly gay. I’m here to set the record straight once and for all. Yes – if you plug (or boof, or booty bump, or whatever you want to call it) you will immediately want to suck cock if you are male. Scientific proven fact.(I forgot the source – I’ll try to find it later or something.) Now let’s put the subject to rest.
7. The archaic and assigning expression, SWIM. If I open a forum and I see the word SWIM sticking out like a sore thumb on the page, I will immediately shut down the site and go to bluelight for my answers, where they specifically tell people NOT to use that an acronym. Everyone knows your talking about yourself. You’re not being cute. It’s not going to protect you from the law. And if for so dumbass reason you are using it in a sentence like “SWIM has a meth lab in their house in Marietta Georgia, and I find such-and-such the best method to not blow up my kitchen.”, maybe you should reconsider the illegal and personal information you are posting on the World-Wide IntrerWeb on a Drug Message Board that logs your IP address every time you sign in.
8. Ugh, I’ll say it. As bad as constipation is – Opiate Withdraw. Far worse. ‘Nuff said about that. The thought makes my spine cure. I’ve had enough of the Cold Sweats already today, I don’t need to trigger more.
9. Loosing, dropping, boiling over, blowing across the room… Any act of “God” that diminishes or destroys your pile o’ precious drugs. I’ve been the cause, your roommates been the cause, YOU’VE been the cause, it happens. But Lord Almighty, it sucks when it does. Your only hope is that you have a stock pile accumulated somewhere.
10.Selling anything to IV users that’s not what it’s supposed to be or has additives that haven’t been pre-tested. I’ve put some N-A-S-T-Y shit in my veins, believing I’ve bought what I was told. When you are dealing to IV users, it’s a totally different game, you could kill someone. I spent a WEEK shooting MSM thinking it was Meth once, let alone all the 99% fake blow and a couple incidents of MDMA/Moon Rocks that fucked me up (not in a good way) after slamming.
11. Speaking of slamming – can’t leave these little beauties out…. abscesses, staff infection collapsed veins, missed meth shots, scar tissue, IM soreness, phantom veins, track marks, blown-out veins. Trying to shoot for 3-4-5 hours and not being able to hit – or IM cause now your rigs filled with blood. Anything along these lines. Yeah, IVing can come with a great pay off being 100% bioavailable and instantaneous, but damn there are some shitty things about.
12. Street dealers in downtown LA that threaten to stab you with their knife “cause I’m not afraid to go to jail. You think I won’t stab you just to stay out of jail?!?” Just because you asked what else they have, instead of immediately buying the Crack they’re pushing – and wasting their time at 2am! They’ll stab you!
13. When police monitor a area that is constantly swarming with people buying/selling drugs, and target one or two people, just to make their presence known. Every person in a 5 block radius is dirty, or high. You know it’s not going to stop, we know your presence isn’t going to make it stop. Just park your car down the street and wait for an emergency, like a mugging, or rape, then jump in when people need you. Same goes for security at shows – 90% of the people are packing dirty. Drop the pretense. If you want to ban glass – more power too you. Take it all. Just accept the fact that drugs are everywhere. It hasn’t changed in 100 years, nor will in for another 100. Where there is live music, illegal drugs are present.
14. Raw mouth after a night of ecstasy binging… or as you young folks call it, Molly. Either way – MDMA in all it’s forms. It’s fun. It makes you dance all night. Provides some great sex. But damn my mouth is sore after a night or two of rolling. No matter what precautions I take. Anyone have a remedy for this??
15. Drug hands. I hadn’t painted my figure nails since I was in high school. Now I’m required to paint them
weekly, just to cover up the black grossness that penetrates the skin and gets under the nail. I can’t lick my fingers without getting this nasty taste, even though I’ve washed my hands like 8 times since last time I used. It permeates, and doesn’t go away!
Bonus! ANYONE WHO COMPLAINS ABOUT THE SMELL OF DMT! GET OVER IT – FOR BEING THE MOST AWESOME DRUG ON THE PLANET, IT’S OKAY TO HAVE A COUPLE DOWNFALLS, LIKE SMELLING LIKE BURNING PLASTIC AND DEAD BODIES AND STICKING TO EVERYTHING IT TOUCHES. BESIDES, I GENUINELY DON’T MIND THE SMELL. DON’T KNOCK IT TILL YOU’VE TRIED IT.
Next time I hear someone complain about the smell, I’m going to offer to pack their pipe with my fine weed, and blast that shit with DMT. Takes ages to get the smell out, I’m not sure if it ever really comes out. And if you ask to borrow my bowl (packed with weed) ya gotta take the extra DMT flavoring with it, no complaints 
1. Opiate Constipation. Need I say more. OUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Nothing more painful when it final does push its way out. All you can do is sit on the toilet, crumpled over in a ball, and screaming “Please help me Lord!” Unless that’s just me… in that case… ignore this one, Girls don’t pop. Public Service Announcement: Don’t forget your Deculex!
4. People that live in the state of California or other states where having a medical marihuana card is not only readily available, but practically required for citizenship in the state. And then on top of that – talk about how good their weed is. Which is one of either two things:
Just go out and get your own! If you don’t want to get the fancy card they all try to trick you into (fyi – it’s not your actual prescription and can’t legal protect you in anyway. You need to carry your actual paper recommendation for that), it can as little as $35 bucks. That was what I paid at the Cannabis Cup last year, where I renewed, even though I still had some time left, just because it was fast and easy. And they were processing people through the line like a slaughter house – I was in and done within 6 minutes.1. Not good at all – in fact it reminds me of the crap from college. Don’t offer it to me, we’re smoking my weed. Period. And stop acting offended, I hold all my drugs to high standards. Save yours for when your home alone and don't embarrass yourself. OR
2. Bought for them by their friend with a card.
7. The archaic and assigning expression, SWIM. If I open a forum and I see the word SWIM sticking out like a sore thumb on the page, I will immediately shut down the site and go to bluelight for my answers, where they specifically tell people NOT to use that an acronym. Everyone knows your talking about yourself. You’re not being cute. It’s not going to protect you from the law. And if for so dumbass reason you are using it in a sentence like “SWIM has a meth lab in their house in Marietta Georgia, and I find such-and-such the best method to not blow up my kitchen.”, maybe you should reconsider the illegal and personal information you are posting on the World-Wide IntrerWeb on a Drug Message Board that logs your IP address every time you sign in.
9. Loosing, dropping, boiling over, blowing across the room… Any act of “God” that diminishes or destroys your pile o’ precious drugs. I’ve been the cause, your roommates been the cause, YOU’VE been the cause, it happens. But Lord Almighty, it sucks when it does. Your only hope is that you have a stock pile accumulated somewhere.
11. Speaking of slamming – can’t leave these little beauties out…. abscesses, staff infection collapsed veins, missed meth shots, scar tissue, IM soreness, phantom veins, track marks, blown-out veins. Trying to shoot for 3-4-5 hours and not being able to hit – or IM cause now your rigs filled with blood. Anything along these lines. Yeah, IVing can come with a great pay off being 100% bioavailable and instantaneous, but damn there are some shitty things about.
12. Street dealers in downtown LA that threaten to stab you with their knife “cause I’m not afraid to go to jail. You think I won’t stab you just to stay out of jail?!?” Just because you asked what else they have, instead of immediately buying the Crack they’re pushing – and wasting their time at 2am! They’ll stab you!13. When police monitor a area that is constantly swarming with people buying/selling drugs, and target one or two people, just to make their presence known. Every person in a 5 block radius is dirty, or high. You know it’s not going to stop, we know your presence isn’t going to make it stop. Just park your car down the street and wait for an emergency, like a mugging, or rape, then jump in when people need you. Same goes for security at shows – 90% of the people are packing dirty. Drop the pretense. If you want to ban glass – more power too you. Take it all. Just accept the fact that drugs are everywhere. It hasn’t changed in 100 years, nor will in for another 100. Where there is live music, illegal drugs are present.
15. Drug hands. I hadn’t painted my figure nails since I was in high school. Now I’m required to paint them weekly, just to cover up the black grossness that penetrates the skin and gets under the nail. I can’t lick my fingers without getting this nasty taste, even though I’ve washed my hands like 8 times since last time I used. It permeates, and doesn’t go away!
Bonus! ANYONE WHO COMPLAINS ABOUT THE SMELL OF DMT! GET OVER IT – FOR BEING THE MOST AWESOME DRUG ON THE PLANET, IT’S OKAY TO HAVE A COUPLE DOWNFALLS, LIKE SMELLING LIKE BURNING PLASTIC AND DEAD BODIES AND STICKING TO EVERYTHING IT TOUCHES. BESIDES, I GENUINELY DON’T MIND THE SMELL. DON’T KNOCK IT TILL YOU’VE TRIED IT.
Well - that didn't last long.... you guys missed out.
Bought junk on my way back from the fucking outpatient facility. I'm such a fucker weak spirit. Someone could have won some nice price there. But no one cast their vote - I know you're lurking Black Board. I can see your stats! ;-)
Anyway - I'm not giving up on my 12 days of sobriety, I just pushed it off a day. I have to start going to 4 days a week, 5-6 meeting a week. Wow, Now if I can just get out of that place with out copping on the streets on my way home, we'll be golden. :) Thanks okay, I'm not beating myself up over it. What happened happened, it was my first day. That's why I didn't post again last night. Didn't want to post my stupid failure. Whatever. It's those damn chills, and shakes, as soon my temperature starts going haywire and starts to fluctuate, I freak out, don't want to deal with the withdraw symptoms and cave.
Didn't use yet today.... so coming up shortly... to remind myself why I'm doing this... The Top 15 Things I Hate about Drugs!
:) The therapist said I should spend the day online blogging, and reading, and such and not worrying about my exams coming up or finding work while I get through this week... So that's exactly what I'm going to do.Except I'm still going to work a little (just don't tell her!)
✌ ♡ & ♫ ♫ ♫
Anyway - I'm not giving up on my 12 days of sobriety, I just pushed it off a day. I have to start going to 4 days a week, 5-6 meeting a week. Wow, Now if I can just get out of that place with out copping on the streets on my way home, we'll be golden. :) Thanks okay, I'm not beating myself up over it. What happened happened, it was my first day. That's why I didn't post again last night. Didn't want to post my stupid failure. Whatever. It's those damn chills, and shakes, as soon my temperature starts going haywire and starts to fluctuate, I freak out, don't want to deal with the withdraw symptoms and cave.
Didn't use yet today.... so coming up shortly... to remind myself why I'm doing this... The Top 15 Things I Hate about Drugs!
:) The therapist said I should spend the day online blogging, and reading, and such and not worrying about my exams coming up or finding work while I get through this week... So that's exactly what I'm going to do.Except I'm still going to work a little (just don't tell her!)
✌ ♡ & ♫ ♫ ♫
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
It's 6am... do you know where your meth pipe is?
 |
| Yep, that's an actual Crystal shard we got. |
My SO is quitting for way longer, (like around a year) and I'm trying to be respectful. This was his last day for meth (his weak spot at the moment) so he wanted to do it till the last minute, which I would too. But now all I want is to feel that lustful sensation of a spike penetrating my veins, and that beautiful sight of a red plume bursting through the syringe filling any air pockets, and giving you the signal of quick relief and release.
*just FYI for those that don't know.... you can't IM a shot with too much blood in it. Your body doesn't know what to do with that much blood, and trust me the outcome isn't pretty. Last time for left upper arm was swollen and oh so painfully sore for what seemed like ages. But better than a lot of abscesses I've had.*
Times like that, where I poke for hours and hours, wasting much of the day, ripping apart my arms/hands/legs/feet/neck/whatever, that I curse it, and wonder why I do such things. But then, barely 2 hours later, I'm thinking about prepping my next shot. And no matter how much I swore I wasn't going to IV, I'll IM this time - I swear! - whatcha know... before you can say Bob's Your Uncle, I'm swinging my arm to pump blood into it and tying off.
So here I am, at 6:30 in the morning now, smoking meth. Meh, it's not doing much for me, but I knew it wouldn't. I wasn't going to sleep anyway, so what's the harm?
I have my drug therapy appointment today at 1p. I haven't told her about my commitment yet. I know she'll be happy. I hope I can do it. You can always find junk outside the center (The Center for Harm Reduction, it's also the Needle Exchange). Hope I have the will power.
But this isn't my blog for the day. I've got some I'm debating between posting... we'll see how my day goes. Leave me a comment or send me a message if you have a suggestion and I'll tailor my post accordingly :)
So reader be warned. You are about to witnesses 2 weeks of an already certifiable nut case quit Heroin. It may not be a pretty site... (maybe I'll keep you updated with pictures.) But it might lead to some interesting blogs. If I'm obsessed with drugs when I'm on them, the obsession is tri-fold when I'm kicking. But hopefully my arms will get some healing time in!
And since I'm doing this for moi and only moi... I will be completely honest with my progress. In fact, I'll even make this a little wager. The first person to subscribe and accurately post to my blog their guess on when I'll cave and first use again, wins a price. Price TBA, but it will be something cool.... like your very own drug travel kit (tailored around your Drug of Choice!). Maybe a subscription to the Heroin of the Month Club.... as featured here!
Or a signed copy of a classic Heroin book. Or something similar (obviously, if you don't do drugs, we'll think of something else, like some certified used panties or sox designed by yours truly. I also make organic body oils and lotions. Mostly for healing track marks, but really just for healthy skin. As well as jewelry focusing around wire work, unique stones (like jade or lapis lazuli) and bead stitching... so I'll customize the prize to fit your taste. And I'll be 100% truthful. So go ahead.... start your bids. Remember, I go to the Harm Reduction center (walking through Skid Row and the Midnight Mission there and back again at 1p today. Great places for balloons, which I may have been known to pick up now and again ;) lol.
But for now, I'm still facing my first morning getting out of bed to a stark, cold reality. There aren't even any sharps in the house if I did find that magic nugget. But enough of that self-pitying and whining. Lookout for my next post later today. Topic: Unknown!
Now to see if I can get an hour of sleep in before the SO wakes up, so we can get up together, and drink mounds of coffee to start this sobriety thing.Wish me luck :)
Peace, Love & Rock n Roll :)
D_D
One more thing... I'm waffling between Suboxone and Methadone. Anyone have any input? I've been on them both. But can't decide what I want to go with this time around, for these purposes. (Last time I was on Subs, I hid them and spit them out later, so I could slam at work. Until I was found out and was watched while I finished them. Not going to happen this time! This time the choice is mine :) Gotta start something tomorrow (Pardon, today I suppose....it's 7am now. Lord Almighty. Maybe just one more hit from the pookie since I can't slam ;)
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