Oh Lord, here we go. Pot makes people kill other people. Got it. You see
how they randomly linked the two incidents together like they one
couldn't have happened without the other? What other things happened
that day that might be a more reasonable explanation for his behavior?
We'll probably not ever know, because as soon as law enforcement got the
sent of drugs - and pot at that (isn't it legal in CO???) - they just
used it as another excuse to "prove" their already debunked view on
drugs. Just when you think you just might see a silver lining and a
positive change in the critical mass, something like this happens and
you're reminded that you don't live in such a foreword thinking place
after all. It's rules and regulations over personal freedom are more
draconian than anything else. Makes me sad :(
"A Denver man accused of
shooting his wife
while she was on the phone with 911 dispatchers had eaten marijuana-infused candy before the incident, authorities say.
Detectives are investigating whether the candy had influenced his actions, the Associated Press reports.
Richard Kirk, 47, is being investigated as a suspect in the shooting
but charges have not been filed. Investigators reportedly found receipts
for “Karma Kandy Orange Ginger” and said he appeared under the
influence of drugs during an interview. They’re investigating whether
there were any other drugs in his system at the time of the shooting." READ MORE...
http://time.com/67999/police-denver-man-ate-pot-infused-candy-before-shooting-wife/
You might not agree with what I do. You might not understand my life choices. But if you can look past the my track marks, you might just find we're more alike than you think. This blog is about my life as a heroin addict, not about drug recovery.
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Showing posts with label Drugs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Drugs. Show all posts
Sunday, April 20, 2014
10 MORE Things That Suck About the Drug Culture!
As much as I like to think that drugs are the answer to all of life's
problems, if I'm being realistic about it, there are definitely a lot
of things that suck about the drug culture. As I'm sitting here pinning
over the fact that I'm not using meth, ("Oh poor me, I can only slam
heroin all day long and get stoned." Life sucks. Yeah, I know how lame
that sounds.) I figured I'd focus my energy elsewhere. So, ready or
not... the second incarnation of Things I Hate About the Drug Culture!
1. People who don't think that they're junkies just because they don't mainline, or even use heroin.
If you are addicted to opiates, you are a junky. Pure and simple. You don't need to IV to be a junky. You don't even have to use
heroin to be a junky. If you are addicted to Oxycotin, Methadone, Morphine, Vicodine or Codeine, you're a junky. But if you are addicted to Vicodine or Codeine, you should probably switch to something that doesn't have Tylenol. Otherwise, you will fuck up your kidney's permanently. Either that, or do what I do when I suddenly find myself with 25-75 Vicodine. Do a cold water extraction. The taste is bitter, but it's fairly simple and you remove all of the Tylenol. But don't kid yourself about being a junky. If your day revolves around how and when you are able to cop and use opiates of any sort, you are a junky.
2. People who go on Methadone maintenance but continue to use heroin, yet still tell you that they're quitting.
No you're not. Methadone intensifies the heroin high. If you are using both you aren't following the program. You are just getting more bang for your buck. So if you do find you are using less to start, it's just because you need less. But that tolerance will go up as well, and then you'll be addicted to two different opiates and a Methadone detox takes much longer. You are just hurting yourself, and you're not fooling anyone.
3. Actually... Methadone in general is a pet peeve of mine. Especially when people try to push Methadone on you when it's
easy
enough to go to a Suboxone doctor to get a script. Suboxone has so many
advantages over Methadone. Suboxone removes the ability to get high, or
at least makes it much more difficult. (I've certainly circumnavigated
the effects of Suboxone with enough heroin, but that option is not
financially feasible long term.) You can't OD on Subxone. It's much
easier to ween yourself off of and doesn't require medical supervision.
If you are serious about quitting, Suboxone is by far the best option.
And don't be nervous about going to the doctor just because you're a
junky. That's what the Suboxone doctor is there for. He had to go
through specialized training just to be able to prescribe Suboxone. He
is sympathetic to the needs of IV drug users, otherwise he wouldn't have
bothered to go through all that hassle. And with all the money you are
saving from cutting out your largest expense, you should definitely be
able to pull together some cash for a doctors visit.
One thought keeps leading to the next today...
4. Doctors who AREN'T sympathetic to the unique needs of IV drug users. You took the Hippocratic Oath. You made a promise to treat ALL patients and to act in their best interest. It's like some doctors just don't consider junkies people. One time, the hospital advertised for the treatment of abscesses and other drug related problems. But when I went in to have multiple abscesses looked at, I was given ample amounts of attitude and was told it was my own fault. Yeah, well... I know that. But I'm still here and I still need treatment.
(Side Note: After
that incident, we just started treating abscesses ourselves. It's easy
enough to do. Just keep draining it and sanitizing it. You can even buy
the appropriate antibiotics from an online pet store. The exact same
antibiotics they prescribe for abscesses are used for birds and fish.
You just need to calculate the correct dosage.)
Another time I went to the ER for something totally unrelated to my drug use. Once the doctor saw my track marks, he told me I had a stroke due to my drug use (by the way.... I was trying to quit at the time, so I hadn't used in a couple of weeks). He wouldn't touch me - it was like I was a leper or something. He barely spoke to me - just about me loudly to the other medical staff. He wouldn't even consider that it could be anything else. He almost demanded that I stay in the hospital to be monitored - even after the CAT scan results came back negative. I've rarely met anyone so thickheaded, stubborn and self righteous. By the way, after a second opinion, it turned out I just had some nerve damage in my shoulder. I have never felt so subjugated and menial. A doctor should never make you feel that way - no matter what life choices you make.
5. Cigarettes are still a drug, so I'm including this one.... People who want to ban the use or sale of e-cigarettes. This is so infuriating it makes my blood boil. E-cigs have helped countless people quit smoking. New York wanted to ban them because people might view smoking as social acceptable. Since when does the government have any right to dictate what is social acceptable? In Los Angeles, they are banned anywhere smoke is. So I'm not allowed to walk my dog in the large outdoor park next to my apartment (Pershing Square, DTLA). That's completely insane. No one is allergic to them. No one can smell them. They aren't bad for your breathing. They cause zero pollution. It's WATER VAPOR people! I should be able to smoke an e-cig in a airplane if I want. (I'm not. I tried the last time I flew. You can do it in the bathroom though. No one will ever know because they don't actually smoke!) People have called them started cigarettes. Total Bullshit. No kid is going to think that e-cigs are "cooler" to start than regular cigarettes. But even if that was the case, the government cracked down on flavored tobacco because it was more appealing to kids. So if you must, do the same thing with e-cigs. Ban all the disgusting fruity flavors. But don't try to make them out to be worse than regular cigarettes! Alright, nuf said about that. But... if "they" win and e-cigs are banned, I'm suing someone.
6. People who can't handle their acid. Unfortunately, I find this happens much more with women than with men. I took some acid on
a plane ride once with my boyfriend. When we were partying later that
night - with one of these girls - she gave us an unusually hard time
about taking the acid on the plane. She kept rambling on and on about
how terrible it would be, blah, blah, blah. I felt like I had to defend
my actions. It brought the whole trip down. Why shouldn't I do that?
Just because you flip out and become crazy on LSD? Let me trip how and
where I want. That same girl, along with another one of her friends,
also tried to suck me into this conversation about how you just "need a
good cry" on LSD. What? No I don't. Why would I want to do that? Leave
me alone, don't pull me into your bad trip. I love LSD. All the time. In
any situation.
7. People who only do psychedelics for the "spiritual experience". I had been trying to get my best friend to take mushrooms with me forever. Turns out her psycho boyfriend kept feeding her all these lines about how they should only be used to experience a higher plain of existence. Finally I talked her into to taking some at a show with me. She loved it and it wasn't a spiritual experience at all. Sure, I like to use psychedelics in that manner too sometimes. But more often than not, I use them for fun. It does't need to be this whole big religious ceremony to "properly" experience them. They are recreational drugs, after all. This is something you see A LOT of in the DMT community. Many people on DMT Nexus will be happy to preach to you about the only "right" way too use DMT. It's all horse manure. Use psychedelics any way you want. Personally, I think a balance between recreation and spiritual mind expansion gives you the best of both worlds.
8. People on the streets who pressure you to buy from their guy. They will either try to 1.) collect a fee. Or, 2.) ask for a cut of your stash. Leave me alone. Stop following me. I'm not giving you anything. Chances are, if I'm out scoring on the streets, I don't have a dollar more than what I'm trying to spend on drugs. Yes, I know I stick out like a sore thumb trolling the streets of Skid Row. It's like the lyrics from that Lou Reed song "I'm Waiting For My Man" - "Everybody's pinned you and nobody cares". Everyone knows what I'm doing down there. The same thing that everyone else is doing. But just because I'm white and female, people think they can make a dollar off of me, or get a free fix. Junk is not cheap on the streets. One balloon will barely get you well. There is no way I'm going to split my balloon with you. Scram. Leave me alone. I'll find it myself.
9. Old addicts who want to impart their wisdom on you. I have come across this countless times. Last week at the needle exchange some old guy was yapping about how I shouldn't use 29 gauge needles. I told him I have small veins, so a small needle does less damage in the long run. He went on and on about how if I would just go for a run everyday I wouldn't have that problem. Or that I should shower before I use, yadda, yadda, yadda. First, going for a run is not going to magically make my veins bigger. My problem isn't circulation.... actually I don't have a problem. I just have veins that are different than yours, so I do things a little differently. I don't need your old junky wisdom. Once, a lady actually tried to pull a needle out of my hand while I was attempting a shot, because she knew that she could hit it better. That's absolutely not cool. Besides the glaring fact that I know nothing about your hygiene or what diseases you might have... I know my veins inside and out, what works and what doesn't. If you think you see something that will work better, chances are I've tried it and it doesn't. I'm not some doe eyed innocent who happened to find herself on the floor of a bathroom in a homeless shelter on skid row with a needle sticking out of her arm. I promise, you won't find a vein any easier that I will.
10. People who use NA as a substitute for their addiction.
You see them in every meeting. They are usually the first ones to talk,
the loudest ones in the room, and the ones who refuse the believe that
anything but this program can work for anyone. Sure one addiction might
be better for your health and have a lower risk of death then the other
one. But don't fool yourself into thinking you are more evolved than the
addicts who still struggle with drugs. NA is not the solution for
everyone. Just because it worked for you, doesn't make it scripture.
Nobody's addiction
is the same. We use for different reasons. We quit for different
reasons. Our rock-bottoms are all different. No cookie-cutter program
will work for everyone. I don't want to substitute taking drugs with
talking about not taking drugs. I know NA has helped a great number of
people. I personally am thankful for it. But if you are just
substituting one life-consuming addiction for another, are you really in
recovery? Shouldn't the goal be to life that's not centered around
drugs?
Along those same line- I'll just make this little addition about NA. People who use NA to wield power over others and take advantage of their authority over new comers. I knew this one guy who used to lie all the time in NA . I heard him tell the same stories time and time again, but with different endings, depending on the point he was trying to make. He was trying to use real-life examples of what would happen if you didn't follow the program as it was designed. He was misleading a very vulnerable group of people. Some people use NA as a substitute for what is now missing in their lives. And some people need to feel powerful. If they are powerless over their drug use, they will find power somewhere else. Let me tell you something Mr. Big Shot. Having power over people who are trying to get clean for the first time is not impressive. They are probably the most vulnerable, least confident, easy to manipulate group of people there is. Why don't you volunteer at an ICU for infants? Would that make you feel powerful? They're just about as easy to control as the newly clean trying to pickup the shattered pieces of their broken lives. They want to believe anything you tell them if it comes with the promise of a better life. Don't use your leadership position to control others. That's an addiction in itself. And the worst part was that so many of the "lessons" he was trying to teach were complete hogwash. Like, if you drink non-alcoholic beer, within the night you'll be slamming dope.
Again, a disclaimer: I have found NA to be very helpful and I don't belittle all the wonderful things that it was done for people in recovery. But like any organization that is run by humans, it's not perfect. But the world is certainly a better place because of it's existence.
Pft. I could keep going, but I think I'll end my little rant here. I actually do feel much better.
1. People who don't think that they're junkies just because they don't mainline, or even use heroin.
 |
|
heroin to be a junky. If you are addicted to Oxycotin, Methadone, Morphine, Vicodine or Codeine, you're a junky. But if you are addicted to Vicodine or Codeine, you should probably switch to something that doesn't have Tylenol. Otherwise, you will fuck up your kidney's permanently. Either that, or do what I do when I suddenly find myself with 25-75 Vicodine. Do a cold water extraction. The taste is bitter, but it's fairly simple and you remove all of the Tylenol. But don't kid yourself about being a junky. If your day revolves around how and when you are able to cop and use opiates of any sort, you are a junky.
2. People who go on Methadone maintenance but continue to use heroin, yet still tell you that they're quitting.
No you're not. Methadone intensifies the heroin high. If you are using both you aren't following the program. You are just getting more bang for your buck. So if you do find you are using less to start, it's just because you need less. But that tolerance will go up as well, and then you'll be addicted to two different opiates and a Methadone detox takes much longer. You are just hurting yourself, and you're not fooling anyone.
3. Actually... Methadone in general is a pet peeve of mine. Especially when people try to push Methadone on you when it's
easy
enough to go to a Suboxone doctor to get a script. Suboxone has so many
advantages over Methadone. Suboxone removes the ability to get high, or
at least makes it much more difficult. (I've certainly circumnavigated
the effects of Suboxone with enough heroin, but that option is not
financially feasible long term.) You can't OD on Subxone. It's much
easier to ween yourself off of and doesn't require medical supervision.
If you are serious about quitting, Suboxone is by far the best option.
And don't be nervous about going to the doctor just because you're a
junky. That's what the Suboxone doctor is there for. He had to go
through specialized training just to be able to prescribe Suboxone. He
is sympathetic to the needs of IV drug users, otherwise he wouldn't have
bothered to go through all that hassle. And with all the money you are
saving from cutting out your largest expense, you should definitely be
able to pull together some cash for a doctors visit.One thought keeps leading to the next today...
4. Doctors who AREN'T sympathetic to the unique needs of IV drug users. You took the Hippocratic Oath. You made a promise to treat ALL patients and to act in their best interest. It's like some doctors just don't consider junkies people. One time, the hospital advertised for the treatment of abscesses and other drug related problems. But when I went in to have multiple abscesses looked at, I was given ample amounts of attitude and was told it was my own fault. Yeah, well... I know that. But I'm still here and I still need treatment.
(Side Note: After
that incident, we just started treating abscesses ourselves. It's easy
enough to do. Just keep draining it and sanitizing it. You can even buy
the appropriate antibiotics from an online pet store. The exact same
antibiotics they prescribe for abscesses are used for birds and fish.
You just need to calculate the correct dosage.)Another time I went to the ER for something totally unrelated to my drug use. Once the doctor saw my track marks, he told me I had a stroke due to my drug use (by the way.... I was trying to quit at the time, so I hadn't used in a couple of weeks). He wouldn't touch me - it was like I was a leper or something. He barely spoke to me - just about me loudly to the other medical staff. He wouldn't even consider that it could be anything else. He almost demanded that I stay in the hospital to be monitored - even after the CAT scan results came back negative. I've rarely met anyone so thickheaded, stubborn and self righteous. By the way, after a second opinion, it turned out I just had some nerve damage in my shoulder. I have never felt so subjugated and menial. A doctor should never make you feel that way - no matter what life choices you make.
5. Cigarettes are still a drug, so I'm including this one.... People who want to ban the use or sale of e-cigarettes. This is so infuriating it makes my blood boil. E-cigs have helped countless people quit smoking. New York wanted to ban them because people might view smoking as social acceptable. Since when does the government have any right to dictate what is social acceptable? In Los Angeles, they are banned anywhere smoke is. So I'm not allowed to walk my dog in the large outdoor park next to my apartment (Pershing Square, DTLA). That's completely insane. No one is allergic to them. No one can smell them. They aren't bad for your breathing. They cause zero pollution. It's WATER VAPOR people! I should be able to smoke an e-cig in a airplane if I want. (I'm not. I tried the last time I flew. You can do it in the bathroom though. No one will ever know because they don't actually smoke!) People have called them started cigarettes. Total Bullshit. No kid is going to think that e-cigs are "cooler" to start than regular cigarettes. But even if that was the case, the government cracked down on flavored tobacco because it was more appealing to kids. So if you must, do the same thing with e-cigs. Ban all the disgusting fruity flavors. But don't try to make them out to be worse than regular cigarettes! Alright, nuf said about that. But... if "they" win and e-cigs are banned, I'm suing someone.
6. People who can't handle their acid. Unfortunately, I find this happens much more with women than with men. I took some acid on
a plane ride once with my boyfriend. When we were partying later that
night - with one of these girls - she gave us an unusually hard time
about taking the acid on the plane. She kept rambling on and on about
how terrible it would be, blah, blah, blah. I felt like I had to defend
my actions. It brought the whole trip down. Why shouldn't I do that?
Just because you flip out and become crazy on LSD? Let me trip how and
where I want. That same girl, along with another one of her friends,
also tried to suck me into this conversation about how you just "need a
good cry" on LSD. What? No I don't. Why would I want to do that? Leave
me alone, don't pull me into your bad trip. I love LSD. All the time. In
any situation.
7. People who only do psychedelics for the "spiritual experience". I had been trying to get my best friend to take mushrooms with me forever. Turns out her psycho boyfriend kept feeding her all these lines about how they should only be used to experience a higher plain of existence. Finally I talked her into to taking some at a show with me. She loved it and it wasn't a spiritual experience at all. Sure, I like to use psychedelics in that manner too sometimes. But more often than not, I use them for fun. It does't need to be this whole big religious ceremony to "properly" experience them. They are recreational drugs, after all. This is something you see A LOT of in the DMT community. Many people on DMT Nexus will be happy to preach to you about the only "right" way too use DMT. It's all horse manure. Use psychedelics any way you want. Personally, I think a balance between recreation and spiritual mind expansion gives you the best of both worlds.
8. People on the streets who pressure you to buy from their guy. They will either try to 1.) collect a fee. Or, 2.) ask for a cut of your stash. Leave me alone. Stop following me. I'm not giving you anything. Chances are, if I'm out scoring on the streets, I don't have a dollar more than what I'm trying to spend on drugs. Yes, I know I stick out like a sore thumb trolling the streets of Skid Row. It's like the lyrics from that Lou Reed song "I'm Waiting For My Man" - "Everybody's pinned you and nobody cares". Everyone knows what I'm doing down there. The same thing that everyone else is doing. But just because I'm white and female, people think they can make a dollar off of me, or get a free fix. Junk is not cheap on the streets. One balloon will barely get you well. There is no way I'm going to split my balloon with you. Scram. Leave me alone. I'll find it myself.
9. Old addicts who want to impart their wisdom on you. I have come across this countless times. Last week at the needle exchange some old guy was yapping about how I shouldn't use 29 gauge needles. I told him I have small veins, so a small needle does less damage in the long run. He went on and on about how if I would just go for a run everyday I wouldn't have that problem. Or that I should shower before I use, yadda, yadda, yadda. First, going for a run is not going to magically make my veins bigger. My problem isn't circulation.... actually I don't have a problem. I just have veins that are different than yours, so I do things a little differently. I don't need your old junky wisdom. Once, a lady actually tried to pull a needle out of my hand while I was attempting a shot, because she knew that she could hit it better. That's absolutely not cool. Besides the glaring fact that I know nothing about your hygiene or what diseases you might have... I know my veins inside and out, what works and what doesn't. If you think you see something that will work better, chances are I've tried it and it doesn't. I'm not some doe eyed innocent who happened to find herself on the floor of a bathroom in a homeless shelter on skid row with a needle sticking out of her arm. I promise, you won't find a vein any easier that I will.
10. People who use NA as a substitute for their addiction.
You see them in every meeting. They are usually the first ones to talk,
the loudest ones in the room, and the ones who refuse the believe that
anything but this program can work for anyone. Sure one addiction might
be better for your health and have a lower risk of death then the other
one. But don't fool yourself into thinking you are more evolved than the
addicts who still struggle with drugs. NA is not the solution for
everyone. Just because it worked for you, doesn't make it scripture.
Nobody's addiction
is the same. We use for different reasons. We quit for different
reasons. Our rock-bottoms are all different. No cookie-cutter program
will work for everyone. I don't want to substitute taking drugs with
talking about not taking drugs. I know NA has helped a great number of
people. I personally am thankful for it. But if you are just
substituting one life-consuming addiction for another, are you really in
recovery? Shouldn't the goal be to life that's not centered around
drugs?Along those same line- I'll just make this little addition about NA. People who use NA to wield power over others and take advantage of their authority over new comers. I knew this one guy who used to lie all the time in NA . I heard him tell the same stories time and time again, but with different endings, depending on the point he was trying to make. He was trying to use real-life examples of what would happen if you didn't follow the program as it was designed. He was misleading a very vulnerable group of people. Some people use NA as a substitute for what is now missing in their lives. And some people need to feel powerful. If they are powerless over their drug use, they will find power somewhere else. Let me tell you something Mr. Big Shot. Having power over people who are trying to get clean for the first time is not impressive. They are probably the most vulnerable, least confident, easy to manipulate group of people there is. Why don't you volunteer at an ICU for infants? Would that make you feel powerful? They're just about as easy to control as the newly clean trying to pickup the shattered pieces of their broken lives. They want to believe anything you tell them if it comes with the promise of a better life. Don't use your leadership position to control others. That's an addiction in itself. And the worst part was that so many of the "lessons" he was trying to teach were complete hogwash. Like, if you drink non-alcoholic beer, within the night you'll be slamming dope.
Again, a disclaimer: I have found NA to be very helpful and I don't belittle all the wonderful things that it was done for people in recovery. But like any organization that is run by humans, it's not perfect. But the world is certainly a better place because of it's existence.
Pft. I could keep going, but I think I'll end my little rant here. I actually do feel much better.
Heroin Humor
It depresses me that whenever heroin is in the media, or blogged
about it's always such a downer. Let's face it, there are definitely
come comical things about drug culture and heroin use. So, in order to
bring more levity to the topic... I've put together a list of the top
ten heroin jokes! I know, lots of people will say this is in bad taste,
but those people probably shouldn't be reading my blog anyway, unless
they are just looking to fuel their fire.
So, without further ado..
Top Ten Heroin One-Liners!
1. Junkies can find a needle in a haystack
2. You know your 11 year old nephew has a competitive streak when you give him heroin and he doesn't flinch when the needle goes in.
3. I think the surest way to get over a fear of needles is to try heroin.
4. Just watched "True Life: I'm Addicted To Heroin" and now I'm high on heroin.Just kidding,I didn't watch"True Life: I'm Addicted To Heroin".
5. Always get back on the horse unless the horse is slang for heroin.
6. the Cow was bummed because he had just scored some heroin.
7. Someone told me shooting heroin up your rectum is addictive. I think putting anything up your rectum is addictive.
8. I am so relaxed since i quit drinking. I think the heroin may be helping.
9. My friend has parkinson's disease and is addicted to heroin. He can't seem to shake the habit.
10. Why is heroin better than a man (or woman): Heroin doesn't care about your looks, as long as you have good veins.
Know any more good heroin jokes? Feel free to post them in the comments section :)
Meth Joke Bonus Content!
Q: What's the difference between a crackhead and a tweaker?
A: The crackhead will steal your shit and bounce, the tweaker will steal your shit and then help you look for it.
And if you just can't get enough heroin humor... I thought I'd share my playlist of funniest heroin related clips on YouTube.
Heroin Humor Playlist
I'm always looking for new ones, so let me know if you have a Heroin Humor clip that not included in this playlist :)
Peace, Love & Rock 'n Roll!
D_D
So, without further ado..
Top Ten Heroin One-Liners!
1. Junkies can find a needle in a haystack
2. You know your 11 year old nephew has a competitive streak when you give him heroin and he doesn't flinch when the needle goes in.
3. I think the surest way to get over a fear of needles is to try heroin.
4. Just watched "True Life: I'm Addicted To Heroin" and now I'm high on heroin.Just kidding,I didn't watch"True Life: I'm Addicted To Heroin".
5. Always get back on the horse unless the horse is slang for heroin.
6. the Cow was bummed because he had just scored some heroin.
7. Someone told me shooting heroin up your rectum is addictive. I think putting anything up your rectum is addictive.
8. I am so relaxed since i quit drinking. I think the heroin may be helping.
9. My friend has parkinson's disease and is addicted to heroin. He can't seem to shake the habit.
10. Why is heroin better than a man (or woman): Heroin doesn't care about your looks, as long as you have good veins.
Know any more good heroin jokes? Feel free to post them in the comments section :)
Meth Joke Bonus Content!
Q: What's the difference between a crackhead and a tweaker?
A: The crackhead will steal your shit and bounce, the tweaker will steal your shit and then help you look for it.
And if you just can't get enough heroin humor... I thought I'd share my playlist of funniest heroin related clips on YouTube.
Heroin Humor Playlist
I'm always looking for new ones, so let me know if you have a Heroin Humor clip that not included in this playlist :)
Peace, Love & Rock 'n Roll!
D_D
Please People - Practice Harm Reduction
I just read The Heroin User's Handbook, and he points out something
that I know to be true because I've seen it so many times in my life.
Even when syringes are readily available and free for the taking, many
IV drug users still reuse old needles - even when they've been made
aware of the free service! Worse yet, many people still choose to share
needles! Even in this day and age, when AIDS and Hep C still run rampant
in drug using societies, people intentionally share needles when free
ones are readily available and within walking distance. I met a girl in
the skid row area a while back and she asked if she could have my old
needle. I told her their was a needle exchange not even four blocks
away. She had no idea it was even there! And then when she did know, she
still had no interest in using it. Opting instead to buy a rig from a
dealer for $1. Where do you think he got all those needles? The FREE
needle exchange down the street! Needle Exchanges offer such a valuable
service to IV drug users. I just wish that everybody would take
advantage of what they have to offer. Not only does it prevent
life-threatening diseases, but it helps to keep your veins in top
shooting shape. Even if you don't share needles but just reuse your old
needles, it's still very damaging and dangerous. Besides tearing your
veins up, bacteria can form, causing abscesses and being responsible for
its own variety of diseases. We currently have about 800 needles in the
house. Yeah, obviously I worked up to that. But you know? The needle
exchange offers anyone 10 rigs plus all the equipment you need to prep
your shot - even if you don't bring anything in to exchange. So if you
don't want to spend the $3.19 at Wallgreens for a 10-pack, go pick up 10
free needles. Then bring them into exchange when you are done with
them, preferably on a Wednesday when they offer a 2-for-1 deal, and pick
up 20 new ones. Keep doing that and soon enough you'll have a sizable
stash of your own that will last you for a couple weeks or more and you
never have to use the same needle twice! The book also contains a large
section on how to prep a shot. The emphasis was on cleanliness and
hygiene. It surprised me a little, especially when he talked so much
about keeping your needle clean, that he didn't mention using a suck-up
needle. I always suck up the liquid in one needle and then transfer the
contents by back-filling a fresh needle. That way there are zero
sanitation concerns, but more importantly, it doesn't damage the tip of
the needle at all. I've posted this picture before, but I just want to
refresh everyone's memory, because it is so important to use a fresh
needles every single time. This is a comparison of the tip of a syringe
before it's first use and the subsequent uses after that, up to six
times. 
Does that look like something that you want to put in your veins?? Hell
no! Even if I'm having trouble finding a good vein, if I've made too
many attempts I switch needles. It will help keep your veins usable for
longer. And I think that's important to every IV drug user (unless you
just slam occasionally. In which case... good for you! I envy your
ability to use in moderation!) So that's all. I'm done my little
soap-box rant. But I do care about the health of my IV drug using peers.
And I want the community to be as safe as possible. Firstly, for your
own personal heath. Secondly, to reduce the number of IV drug related
health problems. So that society will have one less reason to stereotype
us all as lazy, irresponsible, good for nothing junkies who pose a
heath threat and a danger to society. Harm reduction is important. I
hope everybody who decides to "play" with the IV ROA takes this
seriously. At best, it will safe your life. At worst, it will save you a
couple of abscesses.
☮ ❤ & ♪♬
D_D
Does that look like something that you want to put in your veins?? Hell
no! Even if I'm having trouble finding a good vein, if I've made too
many attempts I switch needles. It will help keep your veins usable for
longer. And I think that's important to every IV drug user (unless you
just slam occasionally. In which case... good for you! I envy your
ability to use in moderation!) So that's all. I'm done my little
soap-box rant. But I do care about the health of my IV drug using peers.
And I want the community to be as safe as possible. Firstly, for your
own personal heath. Secondly, to reduce the number of IV drug related
health problems. So that society will have one less reason to stereotype
us all as lazy, irresponsible, good for nothing junkies who pose a
heath threat and a danger to society. Harm reduction is important. I
hope everybody who decides to "play" with the IV ROA takes this
seriously. At best, it will safe your life. At worst, it will save you a
couple of abscesses.☮ ❤ & ♪♬
D_D
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Breaking News: Maine Gov. Saint Wants People to Die
In an act of pure humanitarianism, “Maine Gov. Paul LePage (R)
appears set to oppose a bill increasing access to a lifesaving
anti-overdose medication because of concerns rejected by public health experts that it could encourage more drug abuse.”
This was first brought to my attention while reading a blog with the title “Re-Maine High, and Ye Deserve to Die”. I can only assume that this man is a saint, actually he must be more like the messiah, because he clearly has the authority to judge people’s personal behavior, and sentence them to death. I was raised in a very religious household and went to church every Sunday. But I’m having a hard time remembering when and where the Savior says that you deserve death if you take drugs. Does he include alcohol among those drugs? I guess religion is really changing these days. Which brings me to another point, you never hear about churches taking this position. Only hard-headed, self-entitled, narcissistic assholes have the gumption to make statements like this. As a self-appointed messiah, I assume he must be perfect, or else what right would he have to be the judge, jury and executioner of millions of people, especially in his own home state where heroin overdose is on the rise. I’d like to examine his skeleton closet before I let him put me on trial.
The article goes on to state…
“Fatal heroin overdoses in Maine quadrupled from 2011 to 2012. Naloxone is a drug that can reverse overdoses from heroin and other opioids like morphine. State Rep. Sara Gideon (D) is sponsoring legislation that would place the drug, which is sold under the trade name Narcan, in the hands of police, firefighters, at-risk users and their families.
Gideon said that ahead of a scheduled Wednesday hearing, the governor’s chief health policy adviser, Holly Lusk, told her LePage would oppose the bill in its entirety.
“His main objection is his belief — and I have to emphasize ‘his belief’ because there is no evidence that supports this at all — his belief that increasing the availability of Narcan or naloxone will lead the drug user or drug abuser to have this feeling of invincibility,” Gideon said.”
Invincibility? Why didn’t I think of that. Now I can go slam way too much heroin, suffer an incredibly painful, scarey, life-threatening overdose, and still come out okay? Bring it on! Fuck, I don’t care if I have to have to have a needle jammed in my heart, recover in a hospital for days and almost die! Whatever. I’ll be okay. Sky’s the limit baby, I’m invincible! This guys a genius. Now were is that 4 gram ball of black tar? I’m all alone and can’t think of anything better to do. Oh right, I’m all alone. Who would even be there to administer the drug for me? Shit. I guess I’m not invincible after all.
The Needle Exchange program near my house offers Over Dose prevention training that comes with two prescriptions for Naloxone. Since I live with another user, it’s an incredibly useful thing to keep around, in case of those extreme emergencies. But heroin does not cloud the brain enough for me to think that this is in anyway fool-proof. No matter what society thinks about heroin addicts, we’re not all idiots. My boyfriend and I are both active, productive member of society who support our habit with regular jobs (well I’m a freelance writer, so not regular, but I have a steady income). I’m sure neither the governor or this asshole supporter of his who wrote the blog, would not any idea if they met either of us. And I’m sure none of my friends or family think I deserve to die.
It reminds me of a state senator down in the south (or it could have been a House member) who started the “Smoke Pot, Lose a Limb” campaign. He tried to get a bill passed that would sentence pot smokers to an amputation, if convicted. My jaw hit the floor when I read that. I wish I could find the article I read. If I can find it, I’ll post it. Luckily the bill was not met with the support he desired.
For the rest of the article on Gov. Lepage, click here…
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/11/paul-lepage-drug-overdose_n_4770196.html
This was first brought to my attention while reading a blog with the title “Re-Maine High, and Ye Deserve to Die”. I can only assume that this man is a saint, actually he must be more like the messiah, because he clearly has the authority to judge people’s personal behavior, and sentence them to death. I was raised in a very religious household and went to church every Sunday. But I’m having a hard time remembering when and where the Savior says that you deserve death if you take drugs. Does he include alcohol among those drugs? I guess religion is really changing these days. Which brings me to another point, you never hear about churches taking this position. Only hard-headed, self-entitled, narcissistic assholes have the gumption to make statements like this. As a self-appointed messiah, I assume he must be perfect, or else what right would he have to be the judge, jury and executioner of millions of people, especially in his own home state where heroin overdose is on the rise. I’d like to examine his skeleton closet before I let him put me on trial.
The article goes on to state…
“Fatal heroin overdoses in Maine quadrupled from 2011 to 2012. Naloxone is a drug that can reverse overdoses from heroin and other opioids like morphine. State Rep. Sara Gideon (D) is sponsoring legislation that would place the drug, which is sold under the trade name Narcan, in the hands of police, firefighters, at-risk users and their families.
Gideon said that ahead of a scheduled Wednesday hearing, the governor’s chief health policy adviser, Holly Lusk, told her LePage would oppose the bill in its entirety.
“His main objection is his belief — and I have to emphasize ‘his belief’ because there is no evidence that supports this at all — his belief that increasing the availability of Narcan or naloxone will lead the drug user or drug abuser to have this feeling of invincibility,” Gideon said.”
Invincibility? Why didn’t I think of that. Now I can go slam way too much heroin, suffer an incredibly painful, scarey, life-threatening overdose, and still come out okay? Bring it on! Fuck, I don’t care if I have to have to have a needle jammed in my heart, recover in a hospital for days and almost die! Whatever. I’ll be okay. Sky’s the limit baby, I’m invincible! This guys a genius. Now were is that 4 gram ball of black tar? I’m all alone and can’t think of anything better to do. Oh right, I’m all alone. Who would even be there to administer the drug for me? Shit. I guess I’m not invincible after all.
The Needle Exchange program near my house offers Over Dose prevention training that comes with two prescriptions for Naloxone. Since I live with another user, it’s an incredibly useful thing to keep around, in case of those extreme emergencies. But heroin does not cloud the brain enough for me to think that this is in anyway fool-proof. No matter what society thinks about heroin addicts, we’re not all idiots. My boyfriend and I are both active, productive member of society who support our habit with regular jobs (well I’m a freelance writer, so not regular, but I have a steady income). I’m sure neither the governor or this asshole supporter of his who wrote the blog, would not any idea if they met either of us. And I’m sure none of my friends or family think I deserve to die.
It reminds me of a state senator down in the south (or it could have been a House member) who started the “Smoke Pot, Lose a Limb” campaign. He tried to get a bill passed that would sentence pot smokers to an amputation, if convicted. My jaw hit the floor when I read that. I wish I could find the article I read. If I can find it, I’ll post it. Luckily the bill was not met with the support he desired.
For the rest of the article on Gov. Lepage, click here…
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/11/paul-lepage-drug-overdose_n_4770196.html
Monday, February 10, 2014
The Silk Road 2.0
original incarnation of the Silk Road died with the arrest of Dread Pirates Roberts (DPR). But dark web visitors rejoiced when Silk Road 2.0 came to life after a little over a month of being off-line. Unfortunately, less than two months passed before more arrests were made. The current DPR has been noticeably silent and a new administrator that goes by the name Defcon appears to have taken over managerial duties, posting announcement and messages on the homepage. As of today, there is one that reads “If you had an order in escrow before break began, be sure to read Defcon's full announcement before using the marketplace.” Silk Road administrators claim that the site is now able to seamlessly transition between managers, even if the current DPR is taken into custody. The supposed failsafe system was implemented by uploading portions of the Silk Road to “over 500” backup servers around the world. If one server goes down, or is seized by authorities, then another one can take its place within minutes. DPR’s announcement “We now have over 500 independent backups with keyholders in 17 countries. Whack-a-mole will not work. Time for an open, frank discussion.” was release on Twitter back in December and is meant to assure customers, and warn law enforcement, that the system cannot be stopped.
The new Silk Road is an improved version of the
original, offering heightened security for those looking to purchase illegal
contraband like narcotics and paraphernalia. The Silk Road operates using the
Tor browser, protecting the identity of its visitors by blocking their IP
addresses, and uses the encrypted e-currency, bitcoins. Both are effective
tools against the preying eyes of law enforcement, protecting the identity of
all users.
Although there are other sites on the dark web
offering the sale of scheduled narcotics, many of them have proven to be
unreliable or flat-out scams. None have been able to offer the same quality of
service or variety of products. The Silk Road operates more like its surface
web counterpart, including a rating system for sellers and buyers (think: ebay
or Amazon), escrow for financial transactions and a forum to rate and discuss
the quality of service and products.
The name of the administrator, (or former
administrator, as the case may be) Dread Pirate Roberts, is a reference to The
Princess Bride. The Dread Pirate Roberts was not one
single man, but a persona taken on by a chosen successor to the last Roberts,
perpetuating the legend of the dreaded pirate captain. The last Roberts, aka
Ross Ulbricht, fell to the folly of greed. He was arrested on October 2, 2013
on multiple accounts of drug trafficking, hacking and even two for-hire kills.
On the surface, not much has changed from the
original Silk Road to new and improved version. The most significant change is
the added security feature which allows users to use their PGP encryption key
for added authentication. One moderator, who goes by the name Synergy, wrote “Silk
Road 2.0 will be reborn better, much much more secure as testament to the
tenacity and determination of this wonderful community of ours. We
will not be down trodden, we will rise again.”
The black market bizarre now has thousands of items for sale, including everything
from marijuana to china white heroin. It’s tempting to dive back in and start
shopping! But with all the turmoil over the last few months, it might be wise
keep an eye on things, before dumping a ton of money into bitcoins. I have
faith that the drug using members of society will persevere and prevail, but
what road bumps the DEA and other law enforcement agencies will throw our way is
yet to be seen. The War on Drugs is not over, but I’m confident the people on drugs
are winning.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Silk Road Pt. 1
Okay – I’ve outlined some of my experiences on the Silk Road (or SR as sometimes refer to) and although this is lengthy, there is a large amount of information for someone who is serious about using it for the first time. I don’t go into the technical how-to’s of setting up Tor, but I’m happy to answer any questions about that if you start the process and have difficulty. But just a couple of words on it… Be Smart. Don’t try to put it on your work computer (duh!). You need to use a computer where you can control the proxy settings. And don’t underestimate the value of a thumbnail drive vs. your hard drive. There will be no trace of Tor while not in use, if you remove the thumb drive after each use.
 |
| An example of the front page of the Silk Road |
I would say that the vast majority of my transactions have run smoothly and been completely successful. But the first few undoubtedly made me a little nervous. Eventually they all worked out, but with each order something out of the ordinary happened. Odd packages started to arrive, unsolicited - including a string of random drugs, definitely not purchased, arrived in the mail – but more on that later. The first time was the oddest - and definitely the creepiest. Admittedly, I made a couple n00b mistakes, which might have triggered some of these events. This is why I’m writing all of this – so anyone who wants to journey down the Silk Road, can have access to a manual of sorts - an instruction guide, riddled with some humorous personal antidotes.
My first purchase, I ordered a vile of acid. It was a 250 drop vile at 50mg a drop. The seller was from the Netherlands and requested a no bitcoin transaction, PayPal preferred – an EXTREMELY odd request on the SR and one I have not seen repeated since. However at the time I didn’t realize just how unusual this was. I didn’t do a lot of research before my first purchase, I got too excited and jumped right in with a large purchase immediately after joining (yeah, yeah impatient, I know). But I could tell that the bitcoin process was initially going to take a few days to set up, so I was just stoked to see something I could pull the trigger on immediately. And a huge vile of acid, which was exactly what I was looking for! No more buying 10 strips on lots or going through one of the two people I know who can sometimes provide a sheet. This was going to last me for a while! (It was gone in like two months – but that’s inconsequential to the story. Just shows that I like my acid. Quite a bit.) Especially since I already had a full sheet as well as 50 drops in a vile a friend scored me in NY. I prefer liquid acid, because my ideal route of administration is IV, so it bypasses the step required to soak the LSD out of the strip. Makes it much easier… but anyway… back to the Silk Road.
 |
| Listings of LSD available with picture, seller info, pricing, etc |
Anyway – the most reputable sellers have no problem selling in escrow, but there are some completely legit sellers who request early release. In the end, the choice is yours. Do you want to purchase from someone requesting earlier release or not. There’s definitely risk involved, but I’ve done it for sellers with extremely high ratings by a large number of buyers and my transaction be completely smooth. Once you release funds and leave your review (which is required as funds are released – a big flaw in the SR still if you as my humble opinion), there is now no way to go back and change your remarks or communicate with other buyers how you were ripped off. Luckily, there is one more line of defense to protect yourself and all buyers, although it can be overlooked much of the time. There is a message board, a forum, where you can report fraudulent sellers and give a description of the transaction, communication and product – both good or bad. Most (maybe even all) reputable sellers have their own forum page. There are also threads listing all types of shady sellers as well.. This is your only option for recourse if you are scammed after waving escrow. But hopefully the product was FIRE and you want to fluff the seller with high praise.
 |
| Listing for Heroin #4 (China White) including description, reviews, picture, price and shipping info. Kinda makes my mouth water :) |
 | |
| An example of the Fake ID's for sale. One of many illegal things sold on the SR |
Although drugs are by far the largest category on the Silk Road, there are many other illicit items for purchase as well.
❤ ☮ & ♪♬
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
The Monkey On My Back
I'm trapped in my thoughts, stupid consuming thoughts. They are so
simple, so few. But they are ever there. Crushing my skull inward, until
my brain, crippling under the devastating pressure, cries for
relief. I scan my body for physical pain, somewhere, anywhere(!) that
would justify the agonizing crush of my mind. I find nothing. No
physical justification. Just the thoughts. Unrelenting.
I survey again, taking inventory of my surroundings. Some physical discomfort is present, yet not intense. A dull throb in my back. Bones tired. Muscles tense. Hands tremble slightly. The tremble intensifies to a shake as I lift my hand off my knee to examine my hands. They shake as though they belong to an old grandmother. Her hands - frail, veins blue and thin - gently reach with love and excitement, caressing the cheek of her newborn great-granddaughter. But those aren't my hands. That's not my story. I'm a 35 year old woman, supposedly in the prime of my life. Yet those are my hands, shaking almost ruthlessly, veins blue and bruised. I shove them under my legs, trying to regain some control. Or rather, to hide my lack of control. My sweat feels ice cold as the breeze comes through the window, though it's hotter than sin outside.
My thoughts are back. I suppose they never left. I was only momentarily able to distract myself by focusing on the physical pain. The TV is on, l guess I've been watching, but I can't recall what's happened. How long have I been watching?
"We should bring a cooler and a blanket. It should be fun, right?" I'm in a conversation! Can I remember what I just agreed to? Can he tell that I only have these unrelated thoughts to any question he, or anyone else, may ask me? Have I responded properly or is it plainly written on my face? I feel the words form on my tongue and my voice says "Yeah, that should be fun. I love Jurassic Park."
<No!> My brain yells <If I agree to come, I can at least go high, right?!? I won't have fun without heroin!>
Shut up, shut up, shut up! I'm terrified he can read it in my face. He smiles at me, maybe oblivious. Or perhaps just unwilling to address my constant companion, my hidden inner thoughts. Those opinions of the ever present monkey on my back. My best friend. Always predictable. Always with the same response. The infernal repetition. Always. Every sentence of the day.
"Cool. We'll pick up some food and make a picnic of it!"
<As long as I can get high. Otherwise it won't be fun>
The shows back on. His attention turns back to the television. I relax. Focus is off me. He couldn't tell I was thinking about heroin. I made it through another conversation. I try to watch some TV. Doesn't he know that this is the way all our conversations go? Every single one of the day, from the moment I wake till the time I try to sleep again. Although since I stopped using, three hellish, unending weeks ago, I've barely slept a wink. I just pray for time to past, waiting till I can feel the needle pierce my skin, see the blood enter the chamber and taste the heroin enter my bloodstream. Waiting...
<You know you can't stay away from me for long. You won't be happy without me.>
…i know…
<You've made it three weeks clean! You deserve to get high.>
There's the pressure again. My brain pounding against my skull. My eyes close trying to keep my brain from spilling out.
I hear a far away voice pulling me back from the dark.... "What do you want for dinner tonight?"
Ahhhh…! Why won't he just leave me alone! I don't want to eat. I don't care about food. I just want heroin, you idiot! How can you be so blind and inconsiderate!
"I don't know, maybe Subway or something."
I feel sick but I know I have to eat, or else betray the little voice in my head. The voice of my little monkey friend. And I'm hoping he leaves the house, if just to give me moment of peace.
"That sounds good. I'll grab it 15 or 20 minutes. That cool?"
"Yeah, sounds good." I hear myself say. Although the words are detached.
My mind drifts again, though I pretend to watch the TV. I can't focus my attention. I don't want to be this unhappy. I don't want to be a slave. He once said to me that I didn't love anyone as much as heroin. Actually, he's said it a few times. I hated him for saying that. That can't possibly be true. I love people. Heroin is a chemical. But I thought. I thought about my past. Is that true? Could that possibility be true? I thought about my friends, my family, my boyfriends. I've hurt all of them. Every single one of them I've lied to. I've deceived, stolen from, betrayed. And who was always there for me? To comfort me when I was afraid, humiliated, insecure?
Heroin was always with me when I was alone. It made me feel wanted, accepted, needed. Heroin made me feel as though I had a place in this world. It wasn't that I merely loved heroin, I knew that heroin loved me as well. But even beyond that, heroin made me lovable. The rest of the world might not see that or understand, but I knew why. I knew what gave me strength in the eyes of the world. I knew what gave me strength in myself.
I suppose he was right. I do love heroin more than any other person in my life. Well, why not? Who else was with me in my darkest, most vulnerable times? When I was all alone and needed a friend? Heroin was always with me.
But here I am, desperately abstaining. For what? The approval of people who don't understand? Who will never understand? What is wrong with me?
I won't be without you for long. I desperately pleaded for heroin to be there when I was done with this pointless separation.
<I will always be here for you. You will always need me. In fact, you can't live without me.>
I knew it was right. I can't, so why even bother trying. This is stupid. I shouldn't have to go through all this pain, when I know the second this month is over I'm going to have a needle in my vein faster than you could count to the next minute.
Yet here I was. Trying. Giving it one more try. Maybe this time will stick. Maybe this time I'll learn something new. Maybe this time I'll clue into this secret that every other person in the NA rooms seems to understand. Maybe....
"I'm going to go pick up the sandwiches. Want me to just make a snap decision while I'm there?"
"Sounds good." I mumble.
He kisses me on the cheek, since I avoid turning my lips to meet his. He is unaffected or unaware of my unexplained bitterness when the door closes behind him. I'm alone again. Thank God.
I try to empty my mind while I watch the TV. I'm not really interested, so I play with my nails, filing and cleaning.
"… I can feel it running through my veins…" I hear the TV say. I don't know what the context is, but the statement sets the monkey's voice off again.
My veins. I put the nail file down and turn my hands over to examine the top of my hands again, skin, nails and veins. My nails are dark and filthy underneath. No matter how often I try to clean them, the blackness sticks. Soiled with visual reminders from the black tar, carbon from the chemical reaction between flame and metal and from a general avoidance of a purifying shower. I've put of the unpleasant task since I started this futile fast. The reminder of the hot water cooling and mingling with the cold sweats on my body during withdraws gave me the chills. How unpleasant, I shuttered. Although I knew, if only for the sake of the public, it was soon unavoidable.
My veins, now they were the true traitors. They gave my secret away, no matter how hard I tried to hide it. The blood red scabs, the bruising. They told my past. Not only the heroin, but the meth, the coke and all the other drugs I maintained directly into my bloodstream and straight to my brain. Over and over again. But mostly they told about the heroin. The telltale signs of a junky. The lowest cast of American society. A cast I was not only proud of but one I clung to, like an obsessed lover.
Although I sometimes tried to hide them, in less critical situations I wore them like a badge of honor. What would I be without them? How could I make it through a day without stabbing a syringe in them 5, 8, 1 0 times a day and still be happy?
<You would not be happy. Only I can bring you happiness.>
My head hung in shame. No, of course not. I could never be happy without heroin. How could I even think otherwise? I'm the traitor.
I heard keys jingle and moments later the door opened. I stuffed my hands back under my legs, lest I betray the voice in my head.
"I got a turkey club" he said cheerfully.
"Awesome" I spit the word with poison, though I was unsure if the tone gave away my true unhappiness.
<You don't need a sandwich. All you need is heroin. Soon.>
I know....
The internal struggle was killing me. I know that people were happy living without heroin. Billions of them the world over. I saw them on the streets, going about their business, raising their families, going to the movies. All without sticking a spike in their veins. But how? How do they achieve this? That couldn't be my life, could it? Had I been happy before heroin? Had there been a time before heroin? I could barely remember anymore. I didn't even want to remember.
Yet there was a softer, weaker voice. I felt it struggling to be heard over the louder, more oppressive voice of the monkey.
<it is possible. you know it is. don't give up. you are lovable.>
I looked over at my boyfriend and took the sandwich he was handing me. "I love you" he said.
"I love you, too." I wanted to cry.
I survey again, taking inventory of my surroundings. Some physical discomfort is present, yet not intense. A dull throb in my back. Bones tired. Muscles tense. Hands tremble slightly. The tremble intensifies to a shake as I lift my hand off my knee to examine my hands. They shake as though they belong to an old grandmother. Her hands - frail, veins blue and thin - gently reach with love and excitement, caressing the cheek of her newborn great-granddaughter. But those aren't my hands. That's not my story. I'm a 35 year old woman, supposedly in the prime of my life. Yet those are my hands, shaking almost ruthlessly, veins blue and bruised. I shove them under my legs, trying to regain some control. Or rather, to hide my lack of control. My sweat feels ice cold as the breeze comes through the window, though it's hotter than sin outside.
My thoughts are back. I suppose they never left. I was only momentarily able to distract myself by focusing on the physical pain. The TV is on, l guess I've been watching, but I can't recall what's happened. How long have I been watching?
"We should bring a cooler and a blanket. It should be fun, right?" I'm in a conversation! Can I remember what I just agreed to? Can he tell that I only have these unrelated thoughts to any question he, or anyone else, may ask me? Have I responded properly or is it plainly written on my face? I feel the words form on my tongue and my voice says "Yeah, that should be fun. I love Jurassic Park."
<No!> My brain yells <If I agree to come, I can at least go high, right?!? I won't have fun without heroin!>
Shut up, shut up, shut up! I'm terrified he can read it in my face. He smiles at me, maybe oblivious. Or perhaps just unwilling to address my constant companion, my hidden inner thoughts. Those opinions of the ever present monkey on my back. My best friend. Always predictable. Always with the same response. The infernal repetition. Always. Every sentence of the day.
"Cool. We'll pick up some food and make a picnic of it!"
<As long as I can get high. Otherwise it won't be fun>
The shows back on. His attention turns back to the television. I relax. Focus is off me. He couldn't tell I was thinking about heroin. I made it through another conversation. I try to watch some TV. Doesn't he know that this is the way all our conversations go? Every single one of the day, from the moment I wake till the time I try to sleep again. Although since I stopped using, three hellish, unending weeks ago, I've barely slept a wink. I just pray for time to past, waiting till I can feel the needle pierce my skin, see the blood enter the chamber and taste the heroin enter my bloodstream. Waiting...
<You know you can't stay away from me for long. You won't be happy without me.>
…i know…
<You've made it three weeks clean! You deserve to get high.>
There's the pressure again. My brain pounding against my skull. My eyes close trying to keep my brain from spilling out.
I hear a far away voice pulling me back from the dark.... "What do you want for dinner tonight?"
Ahhhh…! Why won't he just leave me alone! I don't want to eat. I don't care about food. I just want heroin, you idiot! How can you be so blind and inconsiderate!
"I don't know, maybe Subway or something."
I feel sick but I know I have to eat, or else betray the little voice in my head. The voice of my little monkey friend. And I'm hoping he leaves the house, if just to give me moment of peace.
"That sounds good. I'll grab it 15 or 20 minutes. That cool?"
"Yeah, sounds good." I hear myself say. Although the words are detached.
My mind drifts again, though I pretend to watch the TV. I can't focus my attention. I don't want to be this unhappy. I don't want to be a slave. He once said to me that I didn't love anyone as much as heroin. Actually, he's said it a few times. I hated him for saying that. That can't possibly be true. I love people. Heroin is a chemical. But I thought. I thought about my past. Is that true? Could that possibility be true? I thought about my friends, my family, my boyfriends. I've hurt all of them. Every single one of them I've lied to. I've deceived, stolen from, betrayed. And who was always there for me? To comfort me when I was afraid, humiliated, insecure?
Heroin was always with me when I was alone. It made me feel wanted, accepted, needed. Heroin made me feel as though I had a place in this world. It wasn't that I merely loved heroin, I knew that heroin loved me as well. But even beyond that, heroin made me lovable. The rest of the world might not see that or understand, but I knew why. I knew what gave me strength in the eyes of the world. I knew what gave me strength in myself.
I suppose he was right. I do love heroin more than any other person in my life. Well, why not? Who else was with me in my darkest, most vulnerable times? When I was all alone and needed a friend? Heroin was always with me.
But here I am, desperately abstaining. For what? The approval of people who don't understand? Who will never understand? What is wrong with me?
I won't be without you for long. I desperately pleaded for heroin to be there when I was done with this pointless separation.
<I will always be here for you. You will always need me. In fact, you can't live without me.>
I knew it was right. I can't, so why even bother trying. This is stupid. I shouldn't have to go through all this pain, when I know the second this month is over I'm going to have a needle in my vein faster than you could count to the next minute.
Yet here I was. Trying. Giving it one more try. Maybe this time will stick. Maybe this time I'll learn something new. Maybe this time I'll clue into this secret that every other person in the NA rooms seems to understand. Maybe....
"I'm going to go pick up the sandwiches. Want me to just make a snap decision while I'm there?"
"Sounds good." I mumble.
He kisses me on the cheek, since I avoid turning my lips to meet his. He is unaffected or unaware of my unexplained bitterness when the door closes behind him. I'm alone again. Thank God.
I try to empty my mind while I watch the TV. I'm not really interested, so I play with my nails, filing and cleaning.
"… I can feel it running through my veins…" I hear the TV say. I don't know what the context is, but the statement sets the monkey's voice off again.
My veins. I put the nail file down and turn my hands over to examine the top of my hands again, skin, nails and veins. My nails are dark and filthy underneath. No matter how often I try to clean them, the blackness sticks. Soiled with visual reminders from the black tar, carbon from the chemical reaction between flame and metal and from a general avoidance of a purifying shower. I've put of the unpleasant task since I started this futile fast. The reminder of the hot water cooling and mingling with the cold sweats on my body during withdraws gave me the chills. How unpleasant, I shuttered. Although I knew, if only for the sake of the public, it was soon unavoidable.
My veins, now they were the true traitors. They gave my secret away, no matter how hard I tried to hide it. The blood red scabs, the bruising. They told my past. Not only the heroin, but the meth, the coke and all the other drugs I maintained directly into my bloodstream and straight to my brain. Over and over again. But mostly they told about the heroin. The telltale signs of a junky. The lowest cast of American society. A cast I was not only proud of but one I clung to, like an obsessed lover.
Although I sometimes tried to hide them, in less critical situations I wore them like a badge of honor. What would I be without them? How could I make it through a day without stabbing a syringe in them 5, 8, 1 0 times a day and still be happy?
<You would not be happy. Only I can bring you happiness.>
My head hung in shame. No, of course not. I could never be happy without heroin. How could I even think otherwise? I'm the traitor.
I heard keys jingle and moments later the door opened. I stuffed my hands back under my legs, lest I betray the voice in my head.
"I got a turkey club" he said cheerfully.
"Awesome" I spit the word with poison, though I was unsure if the tone gave away my true unhappiness.
<You don't need a sandwich. All you need is heroin. Soon.>
I know....
The internal struggle was killing me. I know that people were happy living without heroin. Billions of them the world over. I saw them on the streets, going about their business, raising their families, going to the movies. All without sticking a spike in their veins. But how? How do they achieve this? That couldn't be my life, could it? Had I been happy before heroin? Had there been a time before heroin? I could barely remember anymore. I didn't even want to remember.
Yet there was a softer, weaker voice. I felt it struggling to be heard over the louder, more oppressive voice of the monkey.
<it is possible. you know it is. don't give up. you are lovable.>
I looked over at my boyfriend and took the sandwich he was handing me. "I love you" he said.
"I love you, too." I wanted to cry.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n Roll Quiz!
Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n Roll?? How could I not take this quiz?? lol. My three favorite things!! Feel free to
answer the quiz on your own too! It's a fun way to kill 15 minutes 
Sex
1. How many times have you had sex?
For real? How could I possibly answer that question. I’m 34, starting having sex at 16, have had 7 serious relations, and between them filled the gaps with countless lovers, one night stands, and regretful drunken flings
2. Is sex really important to you in a relationship?
It’s extremely important to me. When I start a relationship, the sex needs to be almost daily. But it can taper off a bit as the relationship settles in. Although, it still better remain frequent and passionate. Otherwise, there is no relationship. You are just friends without the sex.
3. Do you like to have sex with people of the same sex, or the opposite sex?
I like both. I’ve had lots of lesbian lovers, and committed relationships. Although the majority of my partners have been men
4. How was the first time you had sex [details if you don’t mind]?
It wasn’t bad at all. Of course, it was fairly short. But we had been high school sweethearts for a year by the time we lost our virginity to each other. I was primed, since we had lots and lots of finger play before then. So it never hurt. I remember there was a nice euphoria after, although the sex itself wasn’t mind blowing. But by the 3rd of 4th time, we started to get the grove and it got pretty damn good.
5. How many different positions have you tried?
Countless numbers.
6. And how many different places have you done it?
Again countless numbers – every room in the house of course. Parents beds. The beach, on boats, camping. A hockey game. At bars. At parties. The list goes on.
7. How long does sex usually last for you?
Depends on the circumstances (how many drugs are we both on is a big factor). But probably about 20-30 minutes. I did have one boyfriend who consistently lasted hours. That was too much to handle. (so was the size of his member, lol)
8. Ever worry about getting caught?
When I was younger. Not now.
9. Have you ever been caught?
I’ve had sex in front of people, but that’s not actually getting caught I guess. No, not in the act. I got caught when people found out later though.
10. What position do you like best [don’t be shy!]?
I love doggie, and cowgirl.
11. Why is sex better rough?
There is an animalistic feel to it. Like you are breaking all the rules of conventional society and behaving with your cardinal instincts. And as a female, I love the feeling of being completely dominated
Drugs
1. How many different types of drugs have you done [list them]? Ha, I don’t know if I can list them all, but I will give it a try, lumping some together in categories.
Cannabis
Cocaine
Crack
Methamphetamine
Amphetamine
Heroin
Morphine
Hydrocodone
Oxycotin
Opana
Various other Opiate prescription drugs
Mushrooms (many varieties)
LSD
DMT
4-ACE-DMT
5-MEO-DMT
2C-Family (2c-I, 2c-b, 2c-e, etc, etc, etc…)
Ketamine
MXE
Benzo’s - Xanax, Temazepam, Klonopin, etc…
Barbiturates
Alcohol
Cigarettes
Nitrous Oxide
Spice
Salvia
MDMA (ecstasy pills, molly)
I’m sure there are more, including RC’s, but I can’t think of them all right now
2. How many different types of alcohol have you drank?
Jeeze, again, too many to list
Beer
Wine
Rum (light, dark, coconut, etc)
Vodka (lots of flavors)
Wine Coolers
Tequila
Schnapps
Whiskey
Bourbon
I don’t even want to go on…
3. How was your first time getting drunk/high?
First time was fun. I drank vodka straight up.
4. Do you prefer drugs or alcohol?
Drugs a hundred times over
5. What is your favorite drug?
Hard to choose a favorite. But Heroin, LSD, DMT and Pot certainly top the list. Although I’ve had abuse problems with almost every drug I’ve tried including sever problems with Meth, Coke Benzo’s and Ecstasy.
6. Have you ever been to a rave?
Yep
7. Do you take any prescription drugs [for medical reasons or not]?
Yep, all the time. For medical use (anti-depressants, amphetamine, benzo’s, soma, birth control) and have taken tons recreationally.
8. Do the parties you go to generally have drugs/alcohol?
Yes. All of them.
9. Have you ever tried IVing drugs?
Yes, I almost exclusively IV any drug possible. Heroin, Meth, Coke, I’ve love IVing LSD, and have tried MDMA among other drugs.
9. Are you a social drinker/smoker?
I’m a daily smoker and a social drinker now. Although there have been times where some would call me a raging alcoholic. Since I do junk daily (along with pot) I don’t drink daily anymore. Very rarely actually.
10. Is anyone in your family an alcoholic/drug addict?
Yes, many people in my family have been alcoholics.
13. Are you addicted to any drugs? Or have you been?
Yes, I’m addicted to heroin (I’m a junky), Crystal Methamphetamine (and a tweaker) and Cigarettes. I’ve considered myself addicted to other drugs in the past, and I was addicted to them. But nothing compares to the hold that junk and meth can have on you. They make all other addictions pale in comparison (besides alcohol)
12. Been to rehab?
No, I’m not ready to quit yet. Although I was able to stop a raging meth problem 2 times on my own. I also go o NA meeting and see a therapist at the Needle Exchange.
Rock&Roll
1. Who is your favorite band?
Phish, hands down. But the Disco Biscuits aren’t far behind.
2. Do prefer rock to rap?
Yes. I’m a Rock ‘n Roll girl.
3. What was the last concert you went to?
Phish at the Hollywood Bowl.
4. How much money would you pay to see your favorite band perform live [I mean you’d have front row seats and all that]?
I’ve paid over $350 per ticket to see Phish. Probably a little more than that for some shows. And they were never front row seats!
5. Do you have any band tees? Which ones?
Many Phish shirts, multiple Grateful Dead, Janes Addiction haha. I’ll definitely get t-shirts for STS9 and The Disco Biscuits too.
6. Do you sing along to songs all the time?
All the time.
7. Are you a music junkie?
Absolutely! I’m the definition of a music junky.
8. Who is your favorite old rock star?
David Byrne
9. What is your favorite movie involving rock music?
This is Spinal Tap
10. Would you ever be in a band?
I was in lots of bands earlier in life, including a jazz band. I played piano.
11. How many shows do you go to in a year?
There have been years I’ve seen close to 50 shows a year, if not more. An average year, I still see over 30 probably.
All of ‘em together
1. Why do people associate the three of these things together?
The obviously go hand in hand. You take lots of drugs at shows, then you get horny on the drugs, listening to mind blowing music and go have sex after the show.
2. Out of the three which is your favorite?
Can’t choose one. I couldn’t live without music though. Or sex for that matter. I could live without drugs, but I don’t want to.
3. Would you give up the other two to have a lot of the other one?
I have struck a very nice balance. So I am not going to give up any of them.
4. Ever associate them together yourself [ex: sex with music]?
Of course, as I mentioned, they go hand in hand.
5. Do you have any advice on getting into any of the three?
Just experiment with new things. Listen to music you've never heard before, try a new position between the sheets. And don't be scared of new drugs, if you want to try them. But don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to!
Sex
1. How many times have you had sex?
For real? How could I possibly answer that question. I’m 34, starting having sex at 16, have had 7 serious relations, and between them filled the gaps with countless lovers, one night stands, and regretful drunken flings
2. Is sex really important to you in a relationship?
It’s extremely important to me. When I start a relationship, the sex needs to be almost daily. But it can taper off a bit as the relationship settles in. Although, it still better remain frequent and passionate. Otherwise, there is no relationship. You are just friends without the sex.
3. Do you like to have sex with people of the same sex, or the opposite sex?
I like both. I’ve had lots of lesbian lovers, and committed relationships. Although the majority of my partners have been men
4. How was the first time you had sex [details if you don’t mind]?
It wasn’t bad at all. Of course, it was fairly short. But we had been high school sweethearts for a year by the time we lost our virginity to each other. I was primed, since we had lots and lots of finger play before then. So it never hurt. I remember there was a nice euphoria after, although the sex itself wasn’t mind blowing. But by the 3rd of 4th time, we started to get the grove and it got pretty damn good.
5. How many different positions have you tried?
Countless numbers.
6. And how many different places have you done it?
Again countless numbers – every room in the house of course. Parents beds. The beach, on boats, camping. A hockey game. At bars. At parties. The list goes on.
7. How long does sex usually last for you?
Depends on the circumstances (how many drugs are we both on is a big factor). But probably about 20-30 minutes. I did have one boyfriend who consistently lasted hours. That was too much to handle. (so was the size of his member, lol)
8. Ever worry about getting caught?
When I was younger. Not now.
9. Have you ever been caught?
I’ve had sex in front of people, but that’s not actually getting caught I guess. No, not in the act. I got caught when people found out later though.
10. What position do you like best [don’t be shy!]?
I love doggie, and cowgirl.
11. Why is sex better rough?
There is an animalistic feel to it. Like you are breaking all the rules of conventional society and behaving with your cardinal instincts. And as a female, I love the feeling of being completely dominated
Drugs
1. How many different types of drugs have you done [list them]? Ha, I don’t know if I can list them all, but I will give it a try, lumping some together in categories.
Cannabis
Cocaine
Crack
Methamphetamine
Amphetamine
Heroin
Morphine
Hydrocodone
Oxycotin
Opana
Various other Opiate prescription drugs
Mushrooms (many varieties)
LSD
DMT
4-ACE-DMT
5-MEO-DMT
2C-Family (2c-I, 2c-b, 2c-e, etc, etc, etc…)
Ketamine
MXE
Benzo’s - Xanax, Temazepam, Klonopin, etc…
Barbiturates
Alcohol
Cigarettes
Nitrous Oxide
Spice
Salvia
MDMA (ecstasy pills, molly)
I’m sure there are more, including RC’s, but I can’t think of them all right now
2. How many different types of alcohol have you drank?
Jeeze, again, too many to list
Beer
Wine
Rum (light, dark, coconut, etc)
Vodka (lots of flavors)
Wine Coolers
Tequila
Schnapps
Whiskey
Bourbon
I don’t even want to go on…
3. How was your first time getting drunk/high?
First time was fun. I drank vodka straight up.
4. Do you prefer drugs or alcohol?
Drugs a hundred times over
5. What is your favorite drug?
Hard to choose a favorite. But Heroin, LSD, DMT and Pot certainly top the list. Although I’ve had abuse problems with almost every drug I’ve tried including sever problems with Meth, Coke Benzo’s and Ecstasy.
6. Have you ever been to a rave?
Yep
7. Do you take any prescription drugs [for medical reasons or not]?
Yep, all the time. For medical use (anti-depressants, amphetamine, benzo’s, soma, birth control) and have taken tons recreationally.
8. Do the parties you go to generally have drugs/alcohol?
Yes. All of them.
9. Have you ever tried IVing drugs?
Yes, I almost exclusively IV any drug possible. Heroin, Meth, Coke, I’ve love IVing LSD, and have tried MDMA among other drugs.
9. Are you a social drinker/smoker?
I’m a daily smoker and a social drinker now. Although there have been times where some would call me a raging alcoholic. Since I do junk daily (along with pot) I don’t drink daily anymore. Very rarely actually.
10. Is anyone in your family an alcoholic/drug addict?
Yes, many people in my family have been alcoholics.
13. Are you addicted to any drugs? Or have you been?
Yes, I’m addicted to heroin (I’m a junky), Crystal Methamphetamine (and a tweaker) and Cigarettes. I’ve considered myself addicted to other drugs in the past, and I was addicted to them. But nothing compares to the hold that junk and meth can have on you. They make all other addictions pale in comparison (besides alcohol)
12. Been to rehab?
No, I’m not ready to quit yet. Although I was able to stop a raging meth problem 2 times on my own. I also go o NA meeting and see a therapist at the Needle Exchange.
Rock&Roll
1. Who is your favorite band?
Phish, hands down. But the Disco Biscuits aren’t far behind.
2. Do prefer rock to rap?
Yes. I’m a Rock ‘n Roll girl.
3. What was the last concert you went to?
Phish at the Hollywood Bowl.
4. How much money would you pay to see your favorite band perform live [I mean you’d have front row seats and all that]?
I’ve paid over $350 per ticket to see Phish. Probably a little more than that for some shows. And they were never front row seats!
5. Do you have any band tees? Which ones?
Many Phish shirts, multiple Grateful Dead, Janes Addiction haha. I’ll definitely get t-shirts for STS9 and The Disco Biscuits too.
6. Do you sing along to songs all the time?
All the time.
7. Are you a music junkie?
Absolutely! I’m the definition of a music junky.
8. Who is your favorite old rock star?
David Byrne
9. What is your favorite movie involving rock music?
This is Spinal Tap
10. Would you ever be in a band?
I was in lots of bands earlier in life, including a jazz band. I played piano.
11. How many shows do you go to in a year?
There have been years I’ve seen close to 50 shows a year, if not more. An average year, I still see over 30 probably.
All of ‘em together
1. Why do people associate the three of these things together?
The obviously go hand in hand. You take lots of drugs at shows, then you get horny on the drugs, listening to mind blowing music and go have sex after the show.
2. Out of the three which is your favorite?
Can’t choose one. I couldn’t live without music though. Or sex for that matter. I could live without drugs, but I don’t want to.
3. Would you give up the other two to have a lot of the other one?
I have struck a very nice balance. So I am not going to give up any of them.
4. Ever associate them together yourself [ex: sex with music]?
Of course, as I mentioned, they go hand in hand.
5. Do you have any advice on getting into any of the three?
Just experiment with new things. Listen to music you've never heard before, try a new position between the sheets. And don't be scared of new drugs, if you want to try them. But don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to!
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