The Monkey On My Back

I'm trapped in my thoughts, stupid consuming thoughts. They are so simple, so few. But they are ever there. Crushing my skull inward, until my brain, crippling under the devastating pressure, cries for relief. I scan my body for physical pain, somewhere, anywhere(!) that would justify the agonizing crush of my mind. I find nothing. No physical justification. Just the thoughts. Unrelenting.

I survey again, taking inventory of my surroundings. Some physical discomfort is present, yet not intense. A dull throb in my back. Bones tired. Muscles tense. Hands tremble slightly. The tremble intensifies to a shake as I lift my hand off my knee to examine my hands. They shake as though they belong to an old grandmother. Her hands - frail, veins blue and thin - gently reach with love and excitement, caressing the cheek of her newborn great-granddaughter. But those aren't my hands. That's not my story. I'm a 35 year old woman, supposedly in the prime of my life. Yet those are my hands, shaking almost ruthlessly, veins blue and bruised. I shove them under my legs, trying to regain some control. Or rather, to hide my lack of control. My sweat feels ice cold as the breeze comes through the window, though it's hotter than sin outside.

My thoughts are back. I suppose they never left. I was only momentarily able to distract myself by focusing on the physical pain. The TV is on, l guess I've been watching, but I can't recall what's happened. How long have I been watching?

"We should bring a cooler and a blanket. It should be fun, right?" I'm in a conversation! Can I remember what I just agreed to? Can he tell that I only have these unrelated thoughts to any question he, or anyone else, may ask me? Have I responded properly or is it plainly written on my face? I feel the words form on my tongue and my voice says "Yeah, that should be fun. I love Jurassic Park."

<No!> My brain yells <If I agree to come, I can at least go high, right?!? I won't have fun without heroin!>

Shut up, shut up, shut up! I'm terrified he can read it in my face.  He smiles at me, maybe oblivious. Or perhaps just unwilling to address my constant companion, my hidden inner thoughts. Those opinions of the ever present monkey on my back. My best friend. Always predictable. Always with the same response. The infernal repetition. Always. Every sentence of the day.

"Cool. We'll pick up some food and make a picnic of it!"

<As long as I can get high. Otherwise it won't be fun>

The shows back on. His attention turns back to the television. I relax. Focus is off me. He couldn't tell I was thinking about heroin. I made it through another conversation. I try to watch some TV. Doesn't he know that this is the way all our conversations go? Every single one of the day, from the moment I wake till the time I try to sleep again. Although since I stopped using, three hellish, unending weeks ago, I've barely slept a wink. I just pray for time to past, waiting till I can feel the needle pierce my skin, see the blood enter the chamber and taste the heroin enter my bloodstream. Waiting...

<You know you can't stay away from me for long. You won't be happy without me.>

…i know…

<You've made it three weeks clean! You deserve to get high.>

There's the pressure again. My brain pounding against my skull. My eyes close trying to keep my brain from spilling out.

I hear a far away voice pulling me back from the dark.... "What do you want for dinner tonight?"

Ahhhh…! Why won't he just leave me alone! I don't want to eat. I don't care about food. I just want heroin, you idiot! How can you be so blind and inconsiderate!

"I don't know, maybe Subway or something."

I feel sick but I know I have to eat, or else betray the little voice in my head. The voice of my little monkey friend. And I'm hoping he leaves the house, if just to give me moment of peace.

"That sounds good. I'll grab it 15 or 20 minutes. That cool?"

"Yeah, sounds good." I hear myself say. Although the words are detached.

My mind drifts again, though I pretend to watch the TV. I can't focus my attention. I don't want to be this unhappy. I don't want to be a slave. He once said to me that I didn't love anyone as much as heroin. Actually, he's said it a few times. I hated him for saying that. That can't possibly be true. I love people. Heroin is a chemical. But I thought. I thought about my past. Is that true? Could that possibility be true? I thought about my friends, my family, my boyfriends. I've hurt all of them. Every single one of them I've lied to. I've deceived, stolen from, betrayed. And who was always there for me? To comfort me when I was afraid, humiliated, insecure?

Heroin was always with me when I was alone. It made me feel wanted, accepted, needed. Heroin made me feel as though I had a place in this world. It wasn't that I merely loved heroin, I knew that heroin loved me as well. But even beyond that, heroin made me lovable. The rest of the world might not see that or understand, but I knew why. I knew what gave me strength in the eyes of the world. I knew what gave me strength in myself.

I suppose he was right. I do love heroin more than any other person in my life. Well, why not? Who else was with me in my darkest, most vulnerable times? When I was all alone and needed a friend? Heroin was always with me.

But here I am, desperately abstaining. For what? The approval of people who don't understand? Who will never understand? What is wrong with me?

I won't be without you for long. I desperately pleaded for heroin to be there when I was done with this pointless separation.

 <I will always be here for you. You will always need me. In fact, you can't live without me.>

I knew it was right. I can't, so why even bother trying. This is stupid. I shouldn't have to go through all this pain, when I know the second this month is over I'm going to have a needle in my vein faster than you could count to the next minute.

Yet here I was. Trying. Giving it one more try. Maybe this time will stick. Maybe this time I'll learn something new. Maybe this time I'll clue into this secret that every other person in the NA rooms seems to understand. Maybe....

"I'm going to go pick up the sandwiches. Want me to just make a snap decision while I'm there?"

"Sounds good." I mumble.

He kisses me on the cheek, since I avoid turning my lips to meet his. He is unaffected or unaware of my unexplained bitterness when the door closes behind him. I'm alone again. Thank God.

I try to empty my mind while I watch the TV. I'm not really interested, so I play with my nails, filing and cleaning.

"… I can feel it running through my veins…" I hear the TV say. I don't know what the context is, but the statement sets the monkey's voice off again.

My veins. I put the nail file down and turn my hands over to examine the top of my hands again, skin, nails and veins. My nails are dark and filthy underneath. No matter how often I try to clean them, the blackness sticks.  Soiled with visual reminders from the black tar, carbon from the chemical reaction between flame and metal and from a general avoidance of a purifying shower. I've put of the unpleasant task since I started this futile fast. The reminder of the hot water cooling and mingling with the cold sweats on my body during withdraws gave me the chills. How unpleasant, I shuttered. Although I knew, if only for the sake of the public, it was soon unavoidable.

My veins, now they were the true traitors. They gave my secret away, no matter how hard I tried to hide it. The blood red scabs, the bruising. They told my past. Not only the heroin, but the meth, the coke and all the other drugs I maintained directly into my bloodstream and straight to my brain. Over and over again. But mostly they told about the heroin. The telltale signs of a junky. The lowest cast of American society. A cast I was not only proud of but one I clung to, like an obsessed lover.

Although I sometimes tried to hide them, in less critical situations I wore them like a badge of honor. What would I be without them? How could I make it through a day without stabbing a syringe in them 5, 8, 1 0 times a day and still be happy?

<You would not be happy. Only I can bring you happiness.>

My head hung in shame. No, of course not. I could never be happy without heroin. How could I even think otherwise? I'm the traitor.

I heard keys jingle and moments later the door opened. I stuffed my hands back under my legs, lest I betray the voice in my head.

"I got a turkey club" he said cheerfully.

"Awesome" I spit the word with poison, though I was unsure if the tone gave away my true unhappiness.

<You don't need a sandwich. All you need is heroin. Soon.>

I know....

The internal struggle was killing me. I know that people were happy living without heroin. Billions of them the world over. I saw them on the streets, going about their business, raising their families, going to the movies. All without sticking a spike in their veins. But how? How do they achieve this? That couldn't be my life, could it? Had I been happy before heroin? Had there been a time before heroin? I could barely remember anymore. I didn't even want to remember.

Yet there was a softer, weaker voice. I felt it struggling to be heard over the louder, more oppressive voice of the monkey.

<it is possible. you know it is. don't give up. you are lovable.>

I looked over at my boyfriend and took the sandwich he was handing me. "I love you" he said.

"I love you, too." I wanted to cry.

It's 6am... do you know where your meth pipe is?

Yep, that's an actual Crystal shard we got.

GD! It's 6am, I've been lying in bed for hours hitting the pookie, smoking a little meth. Been dreading the morning, since it will be my first morning without H in Lord knows how long. I've made the commitment once again (but this time by my own free will and volition) to quit my sweet Brown Sugar for 12 days. (Maybe 14, we'll see how I feel by the end of the 12 days).

My SO is quitting for way longer, (like around a year) and I'm trying to be respectful. This was his last day for meth (his weak spot at the moment) so he wanted to do it till the last minute, which I would too. But now all I want is to feel that lustful sensation of a spike penetrating my veins, and that beautiful sight of a red plume bursting through the syringe filling any air pockets, and giving you the signal of quick relief and release.

Of course those are the good days. Perfect shots, like you have a fresh arm, ripe for the slamming. And thank goodness I had two in a row, deposit a nasty meth miss and an abscess currently. Yesterday I spent three hours trying to find a place for one fix without any luck, and by that time I'd split my shot into two syringes because of the amount and thickness of blood, drained half a syringe of blood clots, and IMing was out of the question. 
*just FYI for those that don't know.... you can't IM a shot with too much blood in it. Your body doesn't know what to do with that much blood, and trust me the outcome isn't pretty. Last time for left upper arm was swollen and oh so painfully sore for what seemed like ages. But better than a lot of abscesses I've had.*
 
Times like that, where I poke for hours and hours, wasting much of the day, ripping apart my arms/hands/legs/feet/neck/whatever, that I curse it, and wonder why I do such things. But then, barely 2 hours later, I'm thinking about prepping my next shot. And no matter how much I swore I wasn't going to IV, I'll IM this time - I swear! - whatcha know... before you can say Bob's Your Uncle, I'm swinging my arm to pump blood into it and tying off.

So... I'm facing the morning without heroin. Without IVing. Without my morning sex practically. That orgasmic sensation that allows me to check me inbox, make my calls, face my colleagues and generally get on with my day.

So here I am, at 6:30 in the morning now, smoking meth. Meh, it's not doing much for me, but I knew it wouldn't. I wasn't going to sleep anyway, so what's the harm?
I have my drug therapy appointment today at 1p. I haven't told her about my commitment yet. I know she'll be happy. I hope I can do it. You can always find junk outside the center (The Center for Harm Reduction, it's also the Needle Exchange). Hope I have the will power.

But this isn't my blog for the day. I've got some I'm debating between posting... we'll see how my day goes. Leave me a comment or send me a message if you have a suggestion and I'll tailor my post accordingly :)
So reader be warned. You are about to witnesses 2 weeks of an already certifiable nut case quit Heroin. It may not be a pretty site... (maybe I'll keep you updated with pictures.) But it might lead to some interesting blogs. If I'm obsessed with drugs when I'm on them, the obsession is tri-fold when I'm kicking. But hopefully my arms will get some healing time in!

And since I'm doing this for moi and only moi... I will be completely honest with my progress. In fact, I'll even make this a little wager. The first person to subscribe and accurately post to my blog their guess on when I'll cave and first use again, wins a price. Price TBA, but it will be something cool.... like your very own drug travel kit (tailored around your Drug of Choice!). Maybe a subscription to the Heroin of the Month Club.... as featured here!

Or a signed copy of a classic Heroin book. Or something similar (obviously, if you don't do drugs, we'll think of something else, like some certified used panties or sox designed by yours truly. I also make organic body oils and lotions. Mostly for healing track marks, but really just for healthy skin. As well as jewelry focusing around wire work, unique stones (like jade or lapis lazuli) and bead stitching... so I'll customize the prize to fit your taste. And I'll be 100% truthful. So go ahead.... start your bids. Remember, I go to the Harm Reduction center (walking through Skid Row and the Midnight Mission there and back again at 1p today. Great places for balloons, which I may have been known to pick up now and again ;) lol.

But for now, I'm still facing my first morning getting out of bed to a stark, cold reality. There aren't even any sharps in the house if I did find that magic nugget. But enough of that self-pitying and whining. Lookout for my next post later today. Topic: Unknown!

Now to see if I can get an hour of sleep in before the SO wakes up, so we can get up together, and drink mounds of coffee to start this sobriety thing.Wish me luck :)
Peace, Love & Rock n Roll :)

D_D

One more thing... I'm waffling between Suboxone and Methadone. Anyone have any input? I've been on them both. But can't decide what I want to go with this time around, for these purposes. (Last time I was on Subs, I hid them and spit them out later, so I could slam at work. Until I was found out and was watched while I finished them. Not going to happen this time!  This time the choice is mine :) Gotta start something tomorrow (Pardon, today I suppose....it's 7am now. Lord Almighty. Maybe just one more hit from the pookie since I can't slam ;)

Silk Road Pt 3.

This the 3rd edition of my Silk Road posts!

So let's talk mushrooms. Those which are hallucinogenic in nature that is.... My strategy up until the Silk Road, was to stock up with any many as possible through out festie and tour season and try to accumulate enough to last me all fall winter, until the next heattie show came along with a good lot. This time, I decided to test out the product on the Silk Road - which I still plan on doing more of. Actually I want to start growing them, but that's a different story.

All the mushrooms – which were already a good price – from the Netherlands were about say 15bc. (I’m rough guessing the prices here since it doesn’t really matter - but at the time it was about 3bc =$1). Then there was this one guy offering his for almost half of that AND he shipped from the states, so free shipping! (and hopefully faster) I think standard shipping is always free within the states - at least it used to be. Although some sellers do offer the expedited shipping, that can be risky too. Not always a good idea to be able to track your drugs. And you don't want to have to sign for them and have proof floating out there somewhere that you signed for a package of Back Tar Heroin of whatever.  So despite the massive difference in price AND knowing the best product comes from the Netherlands (again in the category) we bought ½ oz of them. But it wasn't enough money to shed a tear over if something did go wrong. Sure enough, almost the next day they were there.  
 

***Here I am going to add a slight disclaimer. My view may be slightly askew due to an overuse, both long term (about 2 decades) and really heavy short term use (previous 6 months – a few times a week) to psychedelics. Clearly this will affect tolerance of each drug in and of itself, but should NOT produce cross-over tolerance between most of them. Although it has been theorized and some case studies have shown that certian RC's may produce slight cross tolerance between other psychedelics, mushrooms have never been included in those studies. Still, we did take an entirely different batch of mushrooms the weekend before and didn’t trip either. But the legitimacy of that product was never confimred. Although they looked, smelled, tasted and felt like legitimate shrooms, without at least another person verifying their potency, I couldn't make a blanket statement in either direction as to whether they were "real" or not.***

They came vacuum sealed and everything looked solid. Once I received them I let the seller know. He requested that I release the funds, which I was hesitant to do, since I hadn't tried them yet, but my last few transactions were so smooth, I figured "why not?". I gave the required 5 star but wrote "WAITING TO SAMPLE PRODUCT. WILL POST REVIEW IN FORUM WHEN VERIFIED."
We took them about 2 hours before and EOTO show in Tahoe, which was right across the street. We had with high expectations after such disappointing experiences with tripping on anything for the last 2 months. By the time we had to leave – all hope was abandoned. They never kicked in. We had all the effects of being on mushrooms without any of the actual visuals/body buzz/ euphoria/giddiness/tripping. So they had ALL of the slight uncomfortable feelings associated with mushies, slight tummy upset, desire to curl up in bed, bizarre equilibrium effect, social awkwardness, which usually passes in 30 minutes, transforming into social glee and laughter for me. But this lasted for the next few hours, with none of the fun side effects.  I know that Golden Teachers can vary in potency and strength – and obviously we both have an extremely high tolerance for pretty much all drugs in general. Maybe we could have tried more but we ate a lot to begin with. We don't shy away from those challenges. But with all of the positive reviews of this product, I was/am slightly suspicious that they hadn’t worked right off the bat. So, I figured I would give them to my bff who has no tolerance for this kinda thing at all, just to make sure that they didn’t work.  Haven’t heard anything about them from her yet (doubt I will now since she’s since “broken up" with me after 14 years, bitch). Hope they didn't work out for her either. Knowing her - she probably got freaked out by them and thew them away - whatever. Who cares. If I want to put a spike in my arm, that's my business.  Anyway - back to the Silk Road...

So - we got some more mushroom locally and decided to hold off trying them until our bodies were purged of psychedelics drugs. Even though there's supposedly no cross tolerance between L/Shrooms/RC’s etc. I've quite a bit of experience that would suggest otherwise, specifically with 2C products and that’s not supposed to happen either. The seller is still selling and the ratings are still coming in that they are high quality. So the rating system is clearly not a foolproof system. Or I was just a special case, and really need to cool off on my psychedelic drug intake. (which I have).

So I'm still winning the game overall - but it's by no means a sweep, with the SR scoring +2 points on me in the custie'd category.  Again, I made a mistake in judgment basing my decision on price and not taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture – why were they so cheap?? Why would I by from the state when I know they are sub-par to the Netherlands? Lesson Learned.

Next Purchase - MDMA – One of the best deals on the Silk Road

So again so time passes with a few smooth (even fun and enjoyable) transactions. Communication can be hit or miss with the sellers, but the product was always good, even if not always 100% accurate – at least effective.  And that’s all I ask for, really ;-)

All the MDMA experiences have actually worked out really well for me – even if it was weird. I f ound a great guy selling MDMA in Molly form and tested about as high as possible on the Reagent test, 84%.  It came in a standard time frame, great package, packaged as directed, good communication, A+ all around. Strike that, A++++++++++ when the next package came. A week after we took and had a BLAST on the amazing product, another shipment from the same town but different address came. Another bag of Mahl!  Okay – well that’s weird. This is my third shipment of mysterious, un-paid for drugs, only one of which was bad. I didn’t ask him about it because I didn’t want to raise any red flags, but we decided to take it anyway (contents unconfirmed) and rolled tits. So that was that and then I pretty much stopped thinking about that transaction. 

It was so good though, that we wanted another order ASAP for my birthday.  Fast forward 2-3 weeks later. I placed another order and as I mentioned earlier, I always place 3-6 items at a time. I had ordered a bag of 2C-E. I didn’t know the EXACT address it was supposed to come from but I remember it was at least some place on that side of the world (Netherlands).  In the appropriate time frame- a bag from the Netherlands (again) came with a baggie of unmarked clear white powder, 1 gr. 

Now, it makes sense that no one labels their drugs in the mail when they ship. And typically people don’t use their own home address, or at least their exact (or detailed) addresses, but it certainly makes it frustrating when you place multiple orders and are dealing with product that is similar in color and bitterness -like many RC's being sold today.  It gets confusing.  Then add the fact that 15mgs of one can flip your world upside down for 15 hours and be close to a dangerous overdose, and 20mgs - your pushing daisies, you need to be careful!

I decided to hold on to the bag for a little bit and see if maybe the other product would be easier to recognition. Strangely, I wound up with 4 random bags of white powder. Supposedly from two different sellers, but who knows maybe really coincidentally they worked together in conjunction on the Silk Road?

Now I had my entire order of products. The Mahly was the same fantastic roll. The 2C-E was awesome and combined with LSD, they make the Universe's hetty'est cocktail :)
but I'm still left with the unanswered question of "Where are all of these free drugs coming from?? And more importantly WHO IS SENDING THEM TO ME!!! Can all of this possibly be a dissociated string of coincidences? Doesn’t seem likely.
I did take the "risk" blindly sampling one of the random bags - turned out to be 2C-I and I tripped face off of it, quite a few times. Still have some actually - was going to save some for this NYE.
So there is nothing I can say about that specific mailing that would point to a conclusion. I'm really doubt I'll get an answer to any of this, but at least I came out the winner - I guess?  Over all I have wound up with way more drugs than I had actually purchased, but they were all legitimate, so  again – if the Universe wants to send me free drugs through mail order – who am I to complain? But still the whole thing can be hit or miss, and although appreciated, I’m always a little apprehensive when the random bags arrive. And although there have been a couple of orders where the seller has then disappeared, despite a large number of positive reviews, the overall success rate has me coming back. After all, it still beats the number of times I've been ripped off IRL copping on the streets or at Shakedown at a show. So I'll keep coming back!

One of the most common questions I receive about the Silk Road is "How does the pricing compare?" Well, that is completely dependent on what your are buying and where you live.

). Here is a general breakdown by most popular categories:

Psychedelics (Of all sorts - L, shrooms, RCs etc.): Normally much cheaper than I can find in and around California.
**Side besides my less than successful purchase of shrooms from the states, most shrooms almost always come from the Netherlands - this is a great (although not foolproof) way of securing a high quality product. I've honestly found this to be true for most products purchased from there – The Netherlands take the quality of their drugs seriously!**

Dissociative (Ketamine, MXE, PCP): Comparatively equal.  So I found no value in purchasing them through the Silk Road- unless you are unable to procure locally, or they just aren’t available in your area for some reason

Uppers - Depends.
Coke - Much pricier on SR but might be worth if for quality. They have a variety of EXTREMELY Superior coke available. But you’re gonna have to pay! (worth it IMHO)

Meth/Adderall - About the same locally. It's dirt cheap everywhere.

GHB:  Cheaper if you can buy in quantity.

MDMA - Seems to be the best overall Street/SR ratio. Really dirt cheap compared to the street value in Los Angeles. Also - ALWAYS (at least in my experience thus far) they have been highly superior to what you can buy on the streets. Since it’s almost all from the Netherlands (if it’s not, don’t buy it) you can still find early 90's standard ecstasy and they don't pass this shit "Molly" off as real AND it almost always comes with a Reagent Test results.

Opiates –

Heroin – This is an interesting one. When I started shopping on the Silk Road it was one of the best deals around. At least the Heroin was. It was much cheaper than Los Angeles street prices . You could go higher in value and buy China White or other super quality H when they had it - for much higher, but it WAS a rare commodity, Now #4 Heroin is littering the Silk Road. So it’s up to you and what you can get in your town as to whether it’s “worth it” or not. Maybe you are from the West Coast and get white powder in a stamp bag – you might be willing to buy at a higher price than someone who can get it on par or cheaper than the SR. Or you’ve never tried Mexican Black Tar, it would be in your best interest to give it a go an buy some at $100+ a gram, just to give it a shot over on the east coast. Yadda yadda, you get my drift.

Scripts - ALL OPIATE PRESCRIPTIONS ON SR ARE NOT WORTH IT. They may be high quality (and you can get OC's vs. OP's) but you will be prison rape on the price. Hands down one of the biggest rip offs - if you can secure elsewhere. But they are counting on getting the people who are uncomfortable buying from the streets or purchasing H at all. RE: Think your local soccer mom.

Opium – Completely hit or miss if they have it. They will go through dry spells of months at a time and then have 3 or 4 dealers at once selling. In my opinion, because of its scarcity.... if it's available, buy it! I've never had fake opium or anything that was sub-par quality from the SR, and when I do buy, I'll buy in bulk, just because I don't know when it's going to go away or come back again, and I love having it around. I had a guy I was buying from at a fairly expensive, but not outrageous price on SR, but he told me he had to close shop because the processing of the opium was getting way to expensive.  

Other – This “Other” category is very vague - anything else really. HGH's are one of the more popular- but I won't know how to compare prices - I think it's really high in demand though, because the stock seems endless and current. Psych drugs off all sorts, sleeping pills, barbiturates, ludes, crazy types of benzo’s etc.

I bought some Phenobarbital, randomly one day because I saw it and seemed to be a reasonably good price (actually dirt cheap) and isn't offered frequently in my circles - so that was worth it. I've been searching high and low to find Methaqualone, but have only found substitutes like Ettaqualone, but it's a crap shoot. You never know what random obscure drug that you've always wanted to try (or never heard of that piques your interest) so it's hit or miss. It seems that (like the ones I've mentioned above) since they are sold all over the world - to the point of abuse - across different countries, they will eventually be available to us at some point through the SR - so if there is some pill or drug you can’t find right away – keep checking in and be diligent. It’s most likely going to show up one day. And then it will be there for a day or two – or it might spark a new trend and gain its own category. You never know what’s going to happen!

So in conclusion to the pricing questions, I purchase by the following criteria that is important to me: price, local availability, quality vs price, dealer rating and perhaps novelty (like the Phenobarbital).

Hopefully that helps answer some of the questions you've had about the Silk Road and how that website works, what's available and how to buy, etc. As I mentioned, my next SR installment will be more technically driven and focus more on Tor, security, bitcoins etc. Please drop me comment if there is something specific you want addressed around those categories, and I'll try to get those questions answered first!

Hope everyone is having a great holiday vacation!!

❤ ☮ & ♪♬

That Guys on Heroin

So besides the fact that this site is not solely about Heroin (although I wish it was sometimes - since it's pretty much all I think about during the day), I intentionally avoided giving it a name like Memoirs of Heroin Addict, or My Junky Addiction, or Diary of a Junk Fiend. Why? Because if you try to search for heroin blogs and come across anything that sounds remotely like this - it's going to be 1 of 3 things.

1. Tragically hip doper, who is too dark for this world, and you won't understand anyway. He's already resigned to dying, so he's a self fulfilling prophecy - Giving those of us who like our lives, and would prefer to go living, even with dope, a bad name. They say things like "I was born an infant crackhead to an impoverished baby mama, ignored, abused, abandoned for 15 years. And then I stuck a sharp in my arm, and my life changed forever"

2. The current recovery Junky. The ex addict who is now  equally as addicted to support groups and therapy work, as they ever were to drugs. And Lord Almighty, if you suggest that "recovery" may not be in the cards for you - will you ever get an earful about how you deserve to be happy, and free yourself from the bondage of escapism through substance abuse. They say things like (and this was a direct quote to me once - I grabbed it from a PM):
"Go to the nearest mirror. Drink in your reflection for a brief moment. And then, out loud, whilst looking directly into your own eyes, tell yourself "You're beautiful. You deserve happiness. You deserve to be sober. At the moment, things are not okay. But I will be okay. I love you."

3. The user educator. S/he hasn't quite managed to quit yet, but they know EVERYTHING about the social and legal ramifications of drug use - buying, selling, quitting, therapy, not giving up. But as enlightened as they try to sound. They were the Kingpin at the time of their heaviest use. And no matter, who they are talking to or what type of addiction you've gone through. It's not like theirs. THEY were addicted because they were trying to suppress the memory of being raped at 16 by an uncle. And it took YEARS of therapy to realize that. But even though they might go 6 months at a time without using, the relapse is inevitable. And the pattern starts all over again, but the holier-then-though attitude remains the same.

Me? I'm none of those. Yeah, I guess there is some kind of chemical dependancy. I go through withdraws when I don't use, blah blah blah, and yeah, I am in therapy for it. BUT. I like heroin. I like the high. I played a game where I hid it from every single person of signifigance in my life for over 10 years. But now that I'm open about it, I love it. Yeah there are still some shitty things, like my bf not wanting his dad to see me over Christmas, because my arms are too pin-cushin-y.  But overall, I take it at face value. I'm not tragically hip, I lead a Leave it to Beaver childhood, and I've had basically no serious tramadic events in my entire life (until just recently, but I was using for 9 years before that, so I don't think it counts). I just like drugs. All drugs. But yeah, I lean towards junk. Whatever. Stay off my back about it, and yeah maybe I'll think about cutting back, not... NOT quitting. That's not in my vocabulary. I'm no quitter, sir!

That is why I felt such a sense of relief when I came across this blog... Finally... let's put some humor behind this thing... this somber, sober thing called Heroin. Even I can't deny there are some really shitty things about it - but adding humor doesn't trivialize it. It just makes it human. So, may I present to you... That Guy Is On Heroin.

Some pics of archived months, showing people in the various forms of nodding off. Living in Downtown LA at Pershing Square, I can definitely relate to seeing this on the streets, on a not to infrequent basis, lol.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for making me laugh. And for keeping the streets of Baltimore free from Zombies, who would no doubt go after my stash first. (if I even lived near Baltimore). But with you in the streets, fighting for us, I feel I'm in a safer world.

::Tips hat in respect::

The COMPLETE Bioavailability Chart for Opiates! :)

So there has been a few FINAL Bioavailability charts that have come out on some of my favorite drug forums lately. But in my opinion they have all been sub par and have left out pertinent information that is easily locatable on the wed. So I've put together my own bioavailability chart for opiates. I will be working on other classes of drugs as well as time goes on.

You will notice that some are still marked N/A. This is because there hasn't been research on those drugs bioavailabilities, and I don't want to include false of misleading information in my chart. If you have any updates or corrections. PLEASE feel free to let me know! I am open to any form of criticism and welcome the feedback! Let me know what you think! Obviously I started with opiates, since my affinity for them runs strong, being by far my Drug of Choice. And besides that - the most interesting in my opinion :)

So take a gander, and please - let me know what you think!

Looking forward to your comments! It was a fun project to put together. Now I'm working on Benzo. Not nearly as exciting, but still something fun to do :)

☮❤ & ♪♫♬

D_D

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