10 MORE Things That Suck About the Drug Culture!

As much as I like to think that drugs are the answer to all of life's problems, if I'm being realistic about it, there are definitely a lot of things that suck about the drug culture. As I'm sitting here pinning over the fact that I'm not using meth, ("Oh poor me, I can only slam heroin all day long and get stoned." Life sucks. Yeah, I know how lame that sounds.) I figured I'd focus my energy elsewhere. So,  ready or not... the second incarnation of Things I Hate About the Drug Culture!

1. People who don't think that they're junkies just because they don't mainline, or even use heroin. 

This guy knows what's up.

If you are addicted to opiates, you are a junky. Pure and simple. You don't need to IV to be a junky. You don't even have to use
heroin to be a junky. If you are addicted to Oxycotin, Methadone, Morphine, Vicodine or Codeine, you're a junky. But if you are addicted to Vicodine or Codeine, you should probably switch to something that doesn't have Tylenol. Otherwise, you will fuck up your kidney's permanently. Either that, or do what I do when I suddenly find myself with 25-75 Vicodine. Do a cold water extraction. The taste is bitter, but it's fairly simple and you remove all of the Tylenol. But don't kid yourself about being a junky. If your day revolves around how and when you are able to cop and use opiates of any sort, you are a junky.

2. People who go on Methadone maintenance but continue to use heroin, yet still tell you that they're quitting. 
No you're not. Methadone intensifies the heroin high. If you are using both you aren't following the program. You are just getting more bang for your buck. So if you do find you are using less to start, it's just because you need less. But that tolerance will go up as well, and then you'll be addicted to two different opiates and a Methadone detox takes much longer. You are just hurting yourself, and you're not fooling anyone.

3. Actually... Methadone in general is a pet peeve of mine. Especially when people try to push Methadone on you when it's
easy enough to go to a Suboxone doctor to get a script. Suboxone has so many advantages over Methadone. Suboxone removes the ability to get high, or at least makes it much more difficult. (I've certainly circumnavigated the effects of Suboxone with enough heroin, but that option is not financially feasible long term.) You can't OD on Subxone. It's much easier to ween yourself off of and doesn't require medical supervision. If you are serious about quitting, Suboxone is by far the best option. And don't be nervous about going to the doctor just because you're a junky. That's what the Suboxone doctor is there for. He had to go through specialized training just to be able to prescribe Suboxone. He is sympathetic to the needs of IV drug users, otherwise he wouldn't have bothered to go through all that hassle. And with all the money you are saving from cutting out your largest expense, you should definitely be able to pull together some cash for a doctors visit.

One thought keeps leading to the next today...

4. Doctors who AREN'T sympathetic to the unique needs of IV drug users. You took the Hippocratic Oath. You made a promise to treat ALL patients and to act in their best interest. It's like some doctors just don't consider junkies people. One time, the hospital advertised for the treatment of abscesses and other drug related problems. But when I went in to have multiple abscesses looked at, I was given ample amounts of attitude and was told it was my own fault. Yeah, well... I know that. But I'm still  here and I still need treatment.

(Side Note: After that incident, we just started treating abscesses ourselves. It's easy enough to do. Just keep draining it and sanitizing it. You can even buy the appropriate antibiotics from an online pet store. The exact same antibiotics they prescribe for abscesses are used for birds and fish.  You just need to calculate the correct dosage.)

Another time I went to the ER for something totally unrelated to my drug use. Once the doctor saw my track marks, he told me I had a stroke due to my drug use (by the way.... I was trying to quit at the time, so I hadn't used in a couple of weeks). He wouldn't touch me - it was like I was a leper or something. He barely spoke to me - just about me loudly to the other medical staff. He wouldn't even consider that it could be anything else. He almost demanded that I stay in the hospital to be monitored - even after the CAT scan results came back negative. I've rarely met anyone so thickheaded, stubborn and self righteous. By the way, after a second opinion, it turned out I just had some nerve damage in my shoulder. I have never felt so subjugated and menial. A doctor should never make you feel that way - no matter what life choices you make.

5. Cigarettes are still a drug, so I'm including this one.... People who want to ban the use or sale of e-cigarettes. This is so infuriating it makes my blood boil. E-cigs have helped countless people quit smoking. New York wanted to ban them because people might view smoking as social acceptable. Since when does the government have any right to dictate what is social acceptable? In Los Angeles, they are banned anywhere smoke is. So I'm not allowed to walk my dog in the large outdoor park next to my apartment (Pershing Square, DTLA). That's completely insane. No one is allergic to them. No one can smell them. They aren't bad for your breathing. They cause zero pollution. It's WATER VAPOR people! I should be able to smoke an e-cig in a airplane if I want. (I'm not. I tried the last time I flew. You can do it in the bathroom though. No one will ever know because they don't actually smoke!) People have called them started cigarettes. Total Bullshit. No kid is going to think that e-cigs are "cooler" to start than regular cigarettes. But even if that was the case, the government cracked down on flavored tobacco because it was more appealing to kids. So if  you must, do the same thing with e-cigs. Ban all the disgusting fruity flavors. But don't try to make them out to be worse than regular cigarettes! Alright, nuf said about that. But... if "they" win and e-cigs are banned, I'm suing someone.

6. People who can't handle their acid. Unfortunately, I find this happens much more with women than with men. I took some acid on a plane ride once with my boyfriend. When we were partying later that night - with one of these girls - she gave us an unusually hard time about taking the acid on the plane. She kept rambling on and on about how terrible it would be, blah, blah, blah. I felt like I had to defend my actions. It brought the whole trip down. Why shouldn't I do that? Just because you flip out and become crazy on LSD? Let me trip how and where I want. That same girl, along with another one of her friends, also tried to suck me into this conversation about how you just "need a good cry" on LSD. What? No I don't. Why would I want to do that? Leave me alone, don't pull me into your bad trip. I love LSD. All the time. In any situation.



7. People who only do psychedelics for the "spiritual experience". I had been trying to get my best friend to take mushrooms with me forever. Turns out her psycho boyfriend kept feeding her all these lines about how they should only be used to experience a higher plain of existence. Finally I talked her into to taking some at a show with me. She loved it and it wasn't a spiritual experience at all. Sure, I like to use psychedelics in that manner too sometimes. But more often than not, I use them for fun. It does't need to be this whole big religious ceremony to "properly" experience them. They are recreational drugs, after all. This is something you see A LOT of in the DMT community. Many people on DMT Nexus will be happy to preach to you about the only "right" way too use DMT. It's all horse manure. Use psychedelics any way you want. Personally, I think a balance between recreation and spiritual mind expansion gives you the best of both worlds.

8. People on the streets who pressure you to buy from their guy. They will either try to 1.) collect a fee. Or, 2.) ask for a cut of your stash. Leave me alone. Stop following me. I'm not giving you anything. Chances are, if I'm out scoring on the streets, I don't have a dollar more than what I'm trying to spend on drugs. Yes, I know I stick out like a sore thumb trolling the streets of Skid Row. It's like the lyrics from that Lou Reed song "I'm Waiting For My Man" - "Everybody's pinned you and nobody cares". Everyone knows what I'm doing down there. The same thing that everyone else is doing. But just because I'm white and female, people think they can make a dollar off of me, or get a free fix. Junk is not cheap on the streets. One balloon will  barely get you well. There is no way I'm going to split my balloon with you. Scram. Leave me alone. I'll find it myself.
 
9. Old addicts who want to impart their wisdom on you. I have come across this countless times. Last week at the needle exchange some old guy was yapping about how I shouldn't use 29 gauge needles. I told him I have small veins, so a small needle does less damage in the long run. He went on and on about how if I would just go for a run everyday I wouldn't have that problem. Or that I should shower before I use, yadda, yadda, yadda. First, going for a run is not going to magically make my veins bigger. My problem isn't circulation.... actually I don't have a problem. I just have veins that are different than yours, so I do things a little differently. I don't need your old junky wisdom. Once, a lady actually tried to pull a needle out of my hand while I was attempting a shot, because she knew that she could hit it better. That's absolutely not cool. Besides the glaring fact that I know nothing about your hygiene or what diseases you might have... I  know my veins inside and out, what works and what doesn't. If you think you see something that will work better, chances are I've tried it and it doesn't. I'm not some doe eyed innocent who happened to find herself on the floor of a bathroom in a homeless shelter on skid row with a needle sticking out of her arm. I promise, you won't find a vein any easier that I will.

10. People who use NA as a substitute for their addiction. You see them in every meeting. They are usually the first ones to talk, the loudest ones in the room, and the ones who refuse the believe that anything but this program can work for anyone. Sure one addiction might be better for your health and have a lower risk of death then the other one. But don't fool yourself into thinking you are more evolved than the addicts who still struggle with drugs. NA is not the solution for everyone. Just because it worked for you, doesn't make it scripture. Nobody's addiction is the same. We use for different reasons. We quit for different reasons. Our rock-bottoms are all different. No cookie-cutter program will work for everyone. I don't want to substitute taking drugs with talking about not taking drugs. I know NA has helped a great number of people. I personally am thankful for it. But if you are just substituting one life-consuming addiction for another, are you really in recovery? Shouldn't the goal be to life that's not centered around drugs?

Along those same line- I'll just make this little addition about NA. People who use NA to wield power over others and take advantage of their authority over new comers. I knew this one guy who used to lie all the time in NA . I heard him tell the same stories time and time again, but with different endings, depending on the point he was trying to make. He was trying to use real-life examples of what would happen if you didn't follow the program as it was designed. He was misleading a very vulnerable group of people.  Some people use NA as a substitute for what is now missing in their lives. And some people need to feel powerful. If they are powerless over their drug use, they will find power somewhere else. Let me tell you something Mr. Big Shot. Having power over people who are trying to get clean for the first time is not impressive. They are probably the most vulnerable, least confident, easy to manipulate group of people there is. Why don't you volunteer at an ICU for infants? Would  that make you feel powerful? They're just about as easy to control as the newly clean trying to pickup the shattered pieces of their broken lives. They want to believe anything you tell them if it comes with the promise of a better life. Don't use your leadership position to control others. That's an addiction in itself. And the worst part was that so many of the "lessons" he was trying to teach were complete hogwash. Like, if you drink non-alcoholic beer, within the night you'll be slamming dope.

Again, a disclaimer: I have found NA to be very helpful and I don't belittle all the wonderful things that it was done for people in recovery. But like any organization that is run by humans, it's not perfect. But the world is certainly a better place because of it's existence.
Pft. I could keep going, but I think I'll end my little rant here. I actually do feel much better.

Own a Home AND be a Junky?! Good luck with that one...

So obviously it’s been a little while since my last entry. Blog straightened up and was ready to start posting again, but I’ve had a distinct lack of inspiration or motivation. My heart just hasn’t been into it. It made me ask the question, “Why?”. Do I have nothing to say? That’s not true. I’m always ready and willing to talk to people about most aspects of my life. And being that this a blog that basically chronicles my life, I should have no problem there. Has nothing happened that’s been interesting in the past month or so? Maybe writing about my job search or house maintenance projects just ain’t that exciting. Am I not ready to face people, electronically or IRL, since I have yet to fulfill on my commitment and quit narcotics (if only for a short period of time) like I keep promising. That might be part of it. I’m sick of solely talking about drugs within the limited context of “quitting”. Yes, I’ve said I’m going to quit a thousand times. No, I have not succeeded for longer than a 72 hour period of time. And honestly, I’m okay with that. But it’s not what the rest of the world wants for me, or what society says a good, well adjusted person should want for themselves.

Let me back track a few statements. No, I am not okay with that. I do want to be able to go a significant amount of time without junk. I want to be able to take trips and not have to worry about traveling dirty. I want my track marks to fade and not be so obvious to anyone that sees me in a short sleeve shirt. I want to have control over the substances I take the same way I have control over what food I eat. I said last night, I want to cut down on red meat consumption. No more than 1x per week. And I fully plan on realizing that goal without any grief or hardship or personal mourning. I want to have that same type of control over drugs. I was a vegetarian for over 14 years. I woke up one day and said, “I’m not eating meat anymore”. And that was that. I never looked back, I never struggled with it. Once my mind was set one way, that’s just the way things were. So why can’t I have that same type of control when it comes to recreational substances? I believe that in the long term, after much discipline, self-awareness and some abstinence, that I can successfully execute that type of control. However, I do believe that the only way I can make that type of self control a reality is by cutting my DoC’s out entirely for a while and kicking the physical dependency. All the while reformatting my brain to not be so weak and susceptible to triggers. I need to know that I can have a craving, not succumb to it, and be completely okay. Not taking a hit every 2-4 hours is not going to kill me. Neither is not taking a hit for a week or a month or more.

I know that is not what they teach you in drug and alcohol rehabilitation programs. Total abstinence is the only way. Once and addict always and addict and so forth. And I believe that to be true as well, to some extent. But just because you can become addicted, or maybe are more prone to addiction than your neighbor, does not mean that it can’t be controlled. Why would I agree to quit something for the rest of my life, when I personally find no problem in the act of taking drugs responsibly, enjoy the high, have no negative preconceived notions about drug use, drug users, or culture? I do not believe that in my life personally, drug use equates to automatic failure. I can be a completely productive member of society, hold a well paying job, maintain balanced relationships and still be a daily heroin user. I believe many people can. Unfortunately, the negative attitude of society on IV drugs users pigeonholes many people.

Drug users and non-drug users alike believe that the two worlds are not compatible. I can’t hold a good job and be a junky. I’m unfit to be a parent and use drugs. I can’t associate with non-drug using peers, they will feel I am inferior. To a point that last one can be true for many relationships with those that don’t understand drug use. But that does not  make it true. In no known universe does not taking drugs equate to superiority.  But it is such a commonly held belief that many drug users believe it themselves, leading to an extremely high percentage of low self esteem among drug users, especially “hard drug” users. Why? Because that’s what they were taught to believe? Would self-esteem be such a prevalent issue among drug users if that concept wasn’t ground into us at such a young age from all corners of life? Would people be as likely to fall into crime if we were taught that you could hold a steady job, be a professional employee, a good parent and be a recreational drug user? 

I have found no reason (beyond unfounded stereotyping and uneducated criticism from the outside world) that myself, or anyone else can’t live a completely normal and successful life, and happen to take IV drugs at the same time. I was a walking example of that success. Held a great paying job. Bought my first home on the beach in Los Angeles. Had all the little luxuries of life and had a daily heroin habit for many years. It wasn’t until I reintroduced meth into the picture that my world came tumbling down. I’m not naive enough believe that any extent of drug abuse is manageable. And therein lies the problem. Where can you draw the line between manageable and unmanageable. That answer is going to differ from individual to individual. And unfortunately, any of us who want to play the role of “life long drug user” are going to be faced (probably repeatedly) with this dilemma. Especially when you are dealing with drugs like meth, because they have a tendency to sneak up on you and take over your whole life before you realize what’s happening. And by then, you may have a very big hole to dig yourself out of.


I was recently struck by a very bizarre comment from a friend of mine that I would have never anticipated in a billion years. Until the past year or so, when my drug use was leaked across the entire internet, and coast to coast to my family and friends, I remained extremely secretive and closeted about heroin, and IV use in general. Unfortunately, I had already fucked my life up so bad with meth, that most everybody knew I had had a problem with that for a number of years. But I had put it in my past and hadn’t touched it for 7 years. When I picked it back up again, it was with the extremely naive belief that this time I knew what it could do and I would be strong enough to avoid its pitfalls, and still use daily. Boy was I wrong. I lost my job, my house, many friends and caused my family a great deal of pain and anguish. I have since cut meth out, and never plan on using daily again. Immediately my life started turning around. I felt healthier. I was being more productive. I put on weight. Things started generally going the way I designed them. Since this all went down, I came out to an old friend about my heroin addiction. To my absolute shock, he pretty much called me a liar. I couldn’t be addicted to heroin, especially to extent that I use, and still be that put together. Real junkies don’t own homes and have good jobs. All of this was through text message mind you. When I first received that text, I literally didn’t understand what I was reading. Why would I lie about something like that? And why would someone doubt me? I texted him back for verification that what I was reading was actually what he meant. It was. At first I turned defensive, thinking things like “I can’t believe that you would call me a liar after I had the courage to tell you”. But to his points, all of the bad things he was pointing out had actually happened to me in the last year.

Although I do contribute most of those failures to meth, balancing a life style of 2 hard core IV drugs is going to take its toll on your life no matter what they are. So I can’t say it was entirely meth’s fault and heroin had nothing to do with it, that would foolish. I shot back some text outlining all of those bad things that had happened to me, some of which he hadn’t known about until then.

But I’m kinda sorry that I reacted that way. Mainly because it contradicts the point I am trying to make in my life, and what I believe can be true for many drug users. That you can achieve that balanced life and you aren’t doomed for life on the streets just because you’re a junky. I should have taken it as a compliment I suppose that I was able to lead a life that most people would never recognize as one of a junkies. At least for a while anyway. Who knows what direction my life would have turned, or what misfortunes I could have avoided if I had stuck to heroin and hadn’t touched meth again. It’s pointless to speculate. Maybe all of this would have happened eventually, but be spaced out over many years, rather than a Babylonian downfall. Meth has a tendency to expedite things like that .

But back to my original thought. Yes, I want to have better control of this drug. Any amount of control at this point. And I recognize that abstinence is the only way to gain enough separation to look at this situation through clear eyes. So like most drug users at some point throughout their drug using career, I have been struggling with “quitting”. Which is really more like “abstaining for a while” in my situation. And once again, I’m taking on the challenge next week of not using for 14 days. But since quitting is not the end goal here, I’m refusing to address it as such during this break. That would imply some sense of failure if and when I return to a more moderate intake.

In the meantime, I’m going to try to continue blogging. Maybe furthering my depth of topics and addressing other current topics of interest – like the fact that Phish has announced summer tour dates, and how I’m heading to Oakland for 2 nights to see TAB.

Top 15–Things that SUCK about Drugs and Drug Culture!

Okay folks – Since I’m not using drugs (at least any good ones) I figured I would focus some of my energy on things that suck about drugs and drug use, instead of spending my time studying drugs, pining over drugs and listening to Lou Reed – which is my normal course of action during times like this. So let’s cut out any bullshit and head straight to the punch. I present – 15 Things that SUCK about drugs!


1. Opiate Constipation. Need I say more. OUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Nothing more painful when it final does push its way out. All you can do is sit on the toilet, crumpled over in a ball, and screaming “Please help me Lord!” Unless that’s just me… in that case… ignore this one, Girls don’t pop. Public Service Announcement: Don’t forget your Deculex!

2. Blowing bad coke. One line of bad coke and your noise is Fucked for days. Over last years NYE run in NYC, the first night we got bad coke. Two lines and my nose was destroyed. We got good coke for the rest of the trip, and I couldn’t enjoy it because my damn bloody nose hurt so bad from two fucking lines of that cut shit. Really – no need to ever do anything besides slam coke anyway… the only reason I’ll do lines is because of the social stigma around locking yourself in a bathroom to cook it up. Which brings me to my next point.

3. The social stigma around IV use. Yeah, everyone knows that heavy IV use is bad for your veins and bad According to the study by the National Institute on Drug Abuse*. It’s this freaking trypanophobia or aichmophobia, belonephobia, or enetophobia – or whatever you want to call a fear of needles – that has everyone so up in arms against other people doing it.

for your body, with all sorts of negative possibilities. Abscesses, needles breaking off in your arm, Staff collapsed veins. But  why people assume everyone that IV's is going to die prematurely, and live a hopeless life in the meantime, is beyond me. But I don’t see why if one choices to IV a drug (which when done properly, is not an intrinsically dangerous activity.) that makes you any worse of a person than someone who blows lines or smokes everyday. Yes, once you IV it’s hard to go back to anything else, BUT all Routes of Administration are clinically proven to cause addiction and can be equally as harmful *

4. People that live in the state of California or other states where having a medical marihuana card is not only readily available, but practically required for citizenship in the state. And then on top of that – talk about how good their weed is. Which is one of either two things:

1. Not good at all – in fact it reminds me of the crap from college. Don’t offer it to me, we’re smoking my weed. Period. And stop acting offended, I hold all my drugs to high standards. Save yours for when your home alone and don't embarrass yourself.  OR
2. Bought for them by their friend with a card.

Just go out and get your own! If you don’t want to get the fancy card they all try to trick you into (fyi – it’s not your actual prescription and can’t legal protect you in anyway. You need to carry your actual paper recommendation for that), it can as little as $35 bucks. That was what I paid at the Cannabis Cup last year, where I renewed, even though I still had some time left, just because it was fast and easy. And they were processing people through the line like a slaughter house – I was in and done within 6 minutes.

5. Old black men that go around to head shows in Los Angeles, like say, at The Greek, and try to push these ridicules looking mushrooms, and fake opium around. Those mushrooms don’t even slightly resemble real Psilocybin mushrooms of any sort…. and your opium smells like incense from Venice Beach. Stay clear of these guys. They hit up every head show.

6. The popular rumor that plugging turns you gay, or you wouldn’t possibly do it if you weren’t already secretly gay. I’m here to set the record straight once and for all. Yes – if you plug (or boof, or booty bump, or whatever you want to call it) you will immediately want to suck cock if you are male. Scientific proven fact.(I forgot the source – I’ll try to find it later or something.) Now let’s put the subject to rest.

7. The archaic and assigning expression, SWIM. If I open a forum and I see the word SWIM sticking out like a sore thumb on the page, I will immediately shut down the site and go to bluelight for my answers, where they specifically tell people NOT to use that an acronym. Everyone knows your talking about yourself. You’re not being cute. It’s not going to protect you from the law. And if for so dumbass reason you are using it in a sentence like “SWIM has a meth lab in their house in Marietta Georgia, and I find such-and-such the best method to not blow up my kitchen.”, maybe you should reconsider the illegal and personal information you are posting on the World-Wide IntrerWeb on a Drug Message Board that logs your IP address every time you sign in.

8. Ugh, I’ll say it. As bad as constipation is – Opiate Withdraw. Far worse. ‘Nuff said about that. The thought makes my spine cure. I’ve had enough of the Cold Sweats already today, I don’t need to trigger more.

9. Loosing, dropping, boiling over, blowing across the room… Any act of “God” that diminishes or destroys  your pile o’ precious drugs. I’ve been the cause, your roommates been the cause, YOU’VE been the cause, it happens. But Lord Almighty, it sucks when it does. Your only hope is that you have a stock pile accumulated somewhere.

10.Selling anything to IV users that’s not what it’s supposed to be or has additives that haven’t been pre-tested. I’ve put some N-A-S-T-Y shit in my veins, believing I’ve bought what I was told. When you are dealing to IV users, it’s a totally different game, you could kill someone. I spent a WEEK shooting MSM  thinking it was Meth once, let alone all the 99% fake blow and a couple incidents of MDMA/Moon Rocks that fucked me up (not in a good way) after slamming.

11. Speaking of slamming – can’t leave these little beauties out…. abscesses, staff infection collapsed veins, missed meth shots, scar tissue, IM soreness, phantom veins, track marks, blown-out veins. Trying to shoot for 3-4-5 hours and not being able to hit – or IM cause now your rigs filled with blood. Anything along these lines. Yeah, IVing can come with a great pay off being 100% bioavailable and instantaneous, but damn there are some shitty things about.

12. Street dealers in downtown LA that threaten to stab you with their knife “cause I’m not afraid to go to jail. You think I won’t stab you just to stay out of jail?!?” Just because you asked what else they have, instead of immediately buying the Crack they’re pushing – and wasting their time at 2am! They’ll stab you!

13. When police monitor a area that is constantly swarming with people buying/selling drugs, and target one or two people, just to make their presence known. Every person in a 5 block radius is dirty, or high. You know it’s not going to stop, we know your presence isn’t going to make it stop. Just park your car down the street and wait for an emergency, like a mugging, or rape, then jump in when people need you. Same goes for security at shows – 90% of the people are packing dirty. Drop the pretense. If you want to ban glass – more power too you. Take it all. Just accept the fact that drugs are everywhere. It hasn’t changed in 100 years, nor will in for another 100.  Where there is live music, illegal drugs are present.

14. Raw mouth after a night of ecstasy binging… or as you young folks call it, Molly. Either way – MDMA in all it’s forms. It’s fun. It makes you dance all night. Provides some great sex. But damn my mouth is sore after a night or two of rolling. No matter what precautions I take. Anyone have a remedy for this??

15. Drug hands. I hadn’t painted my figure nails since I was in high school. Now I’m required to paint them
weekly, just to cover up the black grossness that penetrates the skin and gets under the nail. I can’t lick my fingers without getting this nasty taste, even though I’ve washed my hands like 8 times since last time I used. It permeates, and doesn’t go away!

Bonus! ANYONE WHO COMPLAINS ABOUT THE SMELL OF DMT! GET OVER IT – FOR BEING THE MOST AWESOME DRUG ON THE PLANET, IT’S OKAY TO HAVE A COUPLE DOWNFALLS, LIKE SMELLING LIKE BURNING PLASTIC AND DEAD BODIES AND STICKING TO EVERYTHING IT TOUCHES. BESIDES, I GENUINELY DON’T MIND THE SMELL. DON’T KNOCK IT TILL YOU’VE TRIED IT.

Next time I hear someone complain about the smell, I’m going to offer to pack their pipe with my fine weed, and blast that shit with DMT. Takes ages to get the smell out, I’m not sure if it ever really comes out. And if you ask to borrow my bowl (packed with weed) ya gotta take the extra DMT flavoring with it, no complaints

It's 6am... do you know where your meth pipe is?

Yep, that's an actual Crystal shard we got.

GD! It's 6am, I've been lying in bed for hours hitting the pookie, smoking a little meth. Been dreading the morning, since it will be my first morning without H in Lord knows how long. I've made the commitment once again (but this time by my own free will and volition) to quit my sweet Brown Sugar for 12 days. (Maybe 14, we'll see how I feel by the end of the 12 days).

My SO is quitting for way longer, (like around a year) and I'm trying to be respectful. This was his last day for meth (his weak spot at the moment) so he wanted to do it till the last minute, which I would too. But now all I want is to feel that lustful sensation of a spike penetrating my veins, and that beautiful sight of a red plume bursting through the syringe filling any air pockets, and giving you the signal of quick relief and release.

Of course those are the good days. Perfect shots, like you have a fresh arm, ripe for the slamming. And thank goodness I had two in a row, deposit a nasty meth miss and an abscess currently. Yesterday I spent three hours trying to find a place for one fix without any luck, and by that time I'd split my shot into two syringes because of the amount and thickness of blood, drained half a syringe of blood clots, and IMing was out of the question. 
*just FYI for those that don't know.... you can't IM a shot with too much blood in it. Your body doesn't know what to do with that much blood, and trust me the outcome isn't pretty. Last time for left upper arm was swollen and oh so painfully sore for what seemed like ages. But better than a lot of abscesses I've had.*
 
Times like that, where I poke for hours and hours, wasting much of the day, ripping apart my arms/hands/legs/feet/neck/whatever, that I curse it, and wonder why I do such things. But then, barely 2 hours later, I'm thinking about prepping my next shot. And no matter how much I swore I wasn't going to IV, I'll IM this time - I swear! - whatcha know... before you can say Bob's Your Uncle, I'm swinging my arm to pump blood into it and tying off.

So... I'm facing the morning without heroin. Without IVing. Without my morning sex practically. That orgasmic sensation that allows me to check me inbox, make my calls, face my colleagues and generally get on with my day.

So here I am, at 6:30 in the morning now, smoking meth. Meh, it's not doing much for me, but I knew it wouldn't. I wasn't going to sleep anyway, so what's the harm?
I have my drug therapy appointment today at 1p. I haven't told her about my commitment yet. I know she'll be happy. I hope I can do it. You can always find junk outside the center (The Center for Harm Reduction, it's also the Needle Exchange). Hope I have the will power.

But this isn't my blog for the day. I've got some I'm debating between posting... we'll see how my day goes. Leave me a comment or send me a message if you have a suggestion and I'll tailor my post accordingly :)
So reader be warned. You are about to witnesses 2 weeks of an already certifiable nut case quit Heroin. It may not be a pretty site... (maybe I'll keep you updated with pictures.) But it might lead to some interesting blogs. If I'm obsessed with drugs when I'm on them, the obsession is tri-fold when I'm kicking. But hopefully my arms will get some healing time in!

And since I'm doing this for moi and only moi... I will be completely honest with my progress. In fact, I'll even make this a little wager. The first person to subscribe and accurately post to my blog their guess on when I'll cave and first use again, wins a price. Price TBA, but it will be something cool.... like your very own drug travel kit (tailored around your Drug of Choice!). Maybe a subscription to the Heroin of the Month Club.... as featured here!

Or a signed copy of a classic Heroin book. Or something similar (obviously, if you don't do drugs, we'll think of something else, like some certified used panties or sox designed by yours truly. I also make organic body oils and lotions. Mostly for healing track marks, but really just for healthy skin. As well as jewelry focusing around wire work, unique stones (like jade or lapis lazuli) and bead stitching... so I'll customize the prize to fit your taste. And I'll be 100% truthful. So go ahead.... start your bids. Remember, I go to the Harm Reduction center (walking through Skid Row and the Midnight Mission there and back again at 1p today. Great places for balloons, which I may have been known to pick up now and again ;) lol.

But for now, I'm still facing my first morning getting out of bed to a stark, cold reality. There aren't even any sharps in the house if I did find that magic nugget. But enough of that self-pitying and whining. Lookout for my next post later today. Topic: Unknown!

Now to see if I can get an hour of sleep in before the SO wakes up, so we can get up together, and drink mounds of coffee to start this sobriety thing.Wish me luck :)
Peace, Love & Rock n Roll :)

D_D

One more thing... I'm waffling between Suboxone and Methadone. Anyone have any input? I've been on them both. But can't decide what I want to go with this time around, for these purposes. (Last time I was on Subs, I hid them and spit them out later, so I could slam at work. Until I was found out and was watched while I finished them. Not going to happen this time!  This time the choice is mine :) Gotta start something tomorrow (Pardon, today I suppose....it's 7am now. Lord Almighty. Maybe just one more hit from the pookie since I can't slam ;)