Ask a Junky!

Over the past few months I've received quite a few emails from people, both junky and non-junky alike, asking a variety of questions about heroin and its use. Questions like:

"I just moved and don't know where to any get heroin. Can you help me score?" (or more commonly, "Can you mail me some?" ::eye roll::)

"My friend is a heroin addict and I don't know how to help them. Do heroin addicts ever "get better"? (my quotes, not theirs.)

"I'm a user too, but I'm not very good at cooking up. If I mail you some will you cook it up for me and send it back in the syringe?" (No, I'm not kidding, that was an actual question.)

"I'm new to {insert name of area here} and don't have any friends. I met some people and they offered me heroin. I've been addicted to meth in the past, so I think I could handle it. Do you think I should do it?"

"Do you know where I can get any syringes? I don't live near a needle exchange and my dealer charges too much for them."

"I woke up and had this hole in my arm which is freaking me out. I have read some of your blogs and I think you' re the only one who might know what to do without getting myself into trouble." (he's talking about an abscess)

"I quit heroin a few years ago, but I've recently started using on occasion again. Unfortunately, my veins don't seem to have recovered. It's almost impossible for me to find a vein. I heard IMing causes abscesses, but I know you've mentioned it before. Is it safe to IM black tar?"

Obviously I would never reveal the names of the people who contact me with personal questions. But I thought it would be a good idea to address these topics publicly so that those who have similar questions can benefit as well. If you have any questions regarding heroin, especially if you think others could benefit from it as well, send them to me privately and I'll be happy to answer them - omitting your name of course. If you don't want your question answered publicly, just let me know and be happy to keep your discretion.

I'll be addressing each question individually and archiving them for easy access. So stay tuned! I'll have the first one up in a short while. :)

☮ ❤ & ♪♫ ♪

D_D

 

 

Black Tar vs. White Powder: The Final Showdown!

There is a very big misconception among heroin users that white powder heroin is purer that black tar heroin. This false information is so fervently believed that most people, especially on the east coast, take it for granted. But the truth is, the color of the heroin has absolutely nothing to with the quality. Many people say that black tar is dark because of the adulterants added when manufactured. Although the manufacturing process is responsible for the color, it has nothing to do with purity. Even if that was the case, it would make more sense logically that black tar would be more pure, because it's almost identical to pure opium.

Black Tar Heroin

The truth is, all heroin that is common in The States - white powder, black tar, brown powder, all of it - varies in purity and none is inherently more pure than the others. The color is dependent on the process used to manufacture the heroin. Most white powder comes from Turkey poppy fields and is often manufactured in France. Black Tar is typically from Mexico, although Columbia is quickly becoming a sizable producer. The Golden Triangle, which is an area of Indochina that overlaps three Southeast Asia countries, Myanmar, Laos and Thailand, and is known for its heavy heroin production, can produce white powder, black tar, brown powder and even red heroin.

 Black tar is typically seen on the West Coast and is sold in balloons or in grams. White powder is predominantly on the east coast and often comes in stamp bags. Both have their advantages and disadvantages. Black tar is much more difficult to cut. However, due to the fact that it’s cooked with vinegar and other harsh ingredients, it's much more damaging to your veins. However, it burns at a much lower temperature, making it easy to smoke. Smoking, when done efficiently, produces a similar rush as IV'ing, that can’t be experienced with any other RoA. White heroin is very inefficient to smoke do to its high burn temperature.

White Powder Heroin

When a white powder user does not wish to IV, insufflation is usually the RoA of choice.  The black tar and white powder heroin available today, and all the variants in-between, are at an all-time high in terms of potency. I have a home testing kit and it’s rare that I buy anything that’s below 70%. Of course, that’s through a dealer and not on the streets. Heroin you buy on the streets is much more likely to be heavily cut. All that being said – black tar heroin is much more consistent in it's quality. White powder is much more variable. On top of that, is it frequently cut with strychnine, which imitates the bitter taste of heroin. While black tar can be more damaging to your veins, at least it doesn’t pose the same life or death threat as heroin cut with strychnine

But let’s take a step back. An informed drug user is a safe drug user. What is the difference between white powder and black tar? One of the reasons that white powder is rumored to be more potent is because when it is first produced, it is very, very pure. But between Turkey, France, the UK, the US and then every wholesaler and independent dealer down the inventory gets cut every step of the way. As opposed to black tar, which only has to travel from Mexico or South America to California. It’s a much simpler process that help ensure it’s relatively untouched from manufacturer to consumer.

Strictly speaking, black tar is not entirely heroin. It’s a mixture of heroin, morphine, 6-AM, and other lesser ingredients. The

White Powder in Stamp Bags

proportion of these precursors in any given batch is variable. Thus, the potency and quality can fluctuate by batch. Because of the high Morphine levels in black tar heroin, IV users sometimes experiences a histamine reaction after an injection.
White powder on the other hand is typically manufactured as heroin that is about 90% pure. But it rarely makes it past the first level of distribution before it is drastically cut. As it continues to make its way to the streets, it’s cut at every level. In the 1970’s this was a big problem. In the heroin capital of the world, Harlem, New York, it was only at best 30% pure. In the suburbs, it was only 5-10% pure. Today, we are graced with the highest purity heroin that the United States has ever seen. 60-80% heroin is very common – no matter what the type.

Heroin in Balloons

I’ve lived on the east coast (born and raised a Jersey Girl) and I’ve spent a significant percentage of my adult life in California. I’ve had plenty of access to both white powder and black tar. Although I’ve had some stellar white powder, I can’t say that I would prefer it over black tar. Again, it’s much more variable in its purity. At least I know I’m getting a fairly steady product with my current black tar connections. As I mentioned, I do have a heroin purity test as well. Although I can typically tell from a single shot whether the heroin has been significantly cut, it’s always nice to test the results with a kit.
Bottom line, just because your heroin is white doesn’t mean it’s pure. I guess this naive thinking has something to do with notion that white equals pure. I’m not sure. But it’s simply not the case. If you want to find out for certain whether your heroin is pure or not, Amazon offers heroin purity kits, as do many other online retailers. Spend $20 and test for yourself. But please, don’t fall for these irrational, baseless wives tales about white heroin being “purer” that black tar. It’s just another junky myth.

10 MORE Things That Suck About the Drug Culture!

As much as I like to think that drugs are the answer to all of life's problems, if I'm being realistic about it, there are definitely a lot of things that suck about the drug culture. As I'm sitting here pinning over the fact that I'm not using meth, ("Oh poor me, I can only slam heroin all day long and get stoned." Life sucks. Yeah, I know how lame that sounds.) I figured I'd focus my energy elsewhere. So,  ready or not... the second incarnation of Things I Hate About the Drug Culture!

1. People who don't think that they're junkies just because they don't mainline, or even use heroin. 

This guy knows what's up.

If you are addicted to opiates, you are a junky. Pure and simple. You don't need to IV to be a junky. You don't even have to use
heroin to be a junky. If you are addicted to Oxycotin, Methadone, Morphine, Vicodine or Codeine, you're a junky. But if you are addicted to Vicodine or Codeine, you should probably switch to something that doesn't have Tylenol. Otherwise, you will fuck up your kidney's permanently. Either that, or do what I do when I suddenly find myself with 25-75 Vicodine. Do a cold water extraction. The taste is bitter, but it's fairly simple and you remove all of the Tylenol. But don't kid yourself about being a junky. If your day revolves around how and when you are able to cop and use opiates of any sort, you are a junky.

2. People who go on Methadone maintenance but continue to use heroin, yet still tell you that they're quitting. 
No you're not. Methadone intensifies the heroin high. If you are using both you aren't following the program. You are just getting more bang for your buck. So if you do find you are using less to start, it's just because you need less. But that tolerance will go up as well, and then you'll be addicted to two different opiates and a Methadone detox takes much longer. You are just hurting yourself, and you're not fooling anyone.

3. Actually... Methadone in general is a pet peeve of mine. Especially when people try to push Methadone on you when it's
easy enough to go to a Suboxone doctor to get a script. Suboxone has so many advantages over Methadone. Suboxone removes the ability to get high, or at least makes it much more difficult. (I've certainly circumnavigated the effects of Suboxone with enough heroin, but that option is not financially feasible long term.) You can't OD on Subxone. It's much easier to ween yourself off of and doesn't require medical supervision. If you are serious about quitting, Suboxone is by far the best option. And don't be nervous about going to the doctor just because you're a junky. That's what the Suboxone doctor is there for. He had to go through specialized training just to be able to prescribe Suboxone. He is sympathetic to the needs of IV drug users, otherwise he wouldn't have bothered to go through all that hassle. And with all the money you are saving from cutting out your largest expense, you should definitely be able to pull together some cash for a doctors visit.

One thought keeps leading to the next today...

4. Doctors who AREN'T sympathetic to the unique needs of IV drug users. You took the Hippocratic Oath. You made a promise to treat ALL patients and to act in their best interest. It's like some doctors just don't consider junkies people. One time, the hospital advertised for the treatment of abscesses and other drug related problems. But when I went in to have multiple abscesses looked at, I was given ample amounts of attitude and was told it was my own fault. Yeah, well... I know that. But I'm still  here and I still need treatment.

(Side Note: After that incident, we just started treating abscesses ourselves. It's easy enough to do. Just keep draining it and sanitizing it. You can even buy the appropriate antibiotics from an online pet store. The exact same antibiotics they prescribe for abscesses are used for birds and fish.  You just need to calculate the correct dosage.)

Another time I went to the ER for something totally unrelated to my drug use. Once the doctor saw my track marks, he told me I had a stroke due to my drug use (by the way.... I was trying to quit at the time, so I hadn't used in a couple of weeks). He wouldn't touch me - it was like I was a leper or something. He barely spoke to me - just about me loudly to the other medical staff. He wouldn't even consider that it could be anything else. He almost demanded that I stay in the hospital to be monitored - even after the CAT scan results came back negative. I've rarely met anyone so thickheaded, stubborn and self righteous. By the way, after a second opinion, it turned out I just had some nerve damage in my shoulder. I have never felt so subjugated and menial. A doctor should never make you feel that way - no matter what life choices you make.

5. Cigarettes are still a drug, so I'm including this one.... People who want to ban the use or sale of e-cigarettes. This is so infuriating it makes my blood boil. E-cigs have helped countless people quit smoking. New York wanted to ban them because people might view smoking as social acceptable. Since when does the government have any right to dictate what is social acceptable? In Los Angeles, they are banned anywhere smoke is. So I'm not allowed to walk my dog in the large outdoor park next to my apartment (Pershing Square, DTLA). That's completely insane. No one is allergic to them. No one can smell them. They aren't bad for your breathing. They cause zero pollution. It's WATER VAPOR people! I should be able to smoke an e-cig in a airplane if I want. (I'm not. I tried the last time I flew. You can do it in the bathroom though. No one will ever know because they don't actually smoke!) People have called them started cigarettes. Total Bullshit. No kid is going to think that e-cigs are "cooler" to start than regular cigarettes. But even if that was the case, the government cracked down on flavored tobacco because it was more appealing to kids. So if  you must, do the same thing with e-cigs. Ban all the disgusting fruity flavors. But don't try to make them out to be worse than regular cigarettes! Alright, nuf said about that. But... if "they" win and e-cigs are banned, I'm suing someone.

6. People who can't handle their acid. Unfortunately, I find this happens much more with women than with men. I took some acid on a plane ride once with my boyfriend. When we were partying later that night - with one of these girls - she gave us an unusually hard time about taking the acid on the plane. She kept rambling on and on about how terrible it would be, blah, blah, blah. I felt like I had to defend my actions. It brought the whole trip down. Why shouldn't I do that? Just because you flip out and become crazy on LSD? Let me trip how and where I want. That same girl, along with another one of her friends, also tried to suck me into this conversation about how you just "need a good cry" on LSD. What? No I don't. Why would I want to do that? Leave me alone, don't pull me into your bad trip. I love LSD. All the time. In any situation.



7. People who only do psychedelics for the "spiritual experience". I had been trying to get my best friend to take mushrooms with me forever. Turns out her psycho boyfriend kept feeding her all these lines about how they should only be used to experience a higher plain of existence. Finally I talked her into to taking some at a show with me. She loved it and it wasn't a spiritual experience at all. Sure, I like to use psychedelics in that manner too sometimes. But more often than not, I use them for fun. It does't need to be this whole big religious ceremony to "properly" experience them. They are recreational drugs, after all. This is something you see A LOT of in the DMT community. Many people on DMT Nexus will be happy to preach to you about the only "right" way too use DMT. It's all horse manure. Use psychedelics any way you want. Personally, I think a balance between recreation and spiritual mind expansion gives you the best of both worlds.

8. People on the streets who pressure you to buy from their guy. They will either try to 1.) collect a fee. Or, 2.) ask for a cut of your stash. Leave me alone. Stop following me. I'm not giving you anything. Chances are, if I'm out scoring on the streets, I don't have a dollar more than what I'm trying to spend on drugs. Yes, I know I stick out like a sore thumb trolling the streets of Skid Row. It's like the lyrics from that Lou Reed song "I'm Waiting For My Man" - "Everybody's pinned you and nobody cares". Everyone knows what I'm doing down there. The same thing that everyone else is doing. But just because I'm white and female, people think they can make a dollar off of me, or get a free fix. Junk is not cheap on the streets. One balloon will  barely get you well. There is no way I'm going to split my balloon with you. Scram. Leave me alone. I'll find it myself.
 
9. Old addicts who want to impart their wisdom on you. I have come across this countless times. Last week at the needle exchange some old guy was yapping about how I shouldn't use 29 gauge needles. I told him I have small veins, so a small needle does less damage in the long run. He went on and on about how if I would just go for a run everyday I wouldn't have that problem. Or that I should shower before I use, yadda, yadda, yadda. First, going for a run is not going to magically make my veins bigger. My problem isn't circulation.... actually I don't have a problem. I just have veins that are different than yours, so I do things a little differently. I don't need your old junky wisdom. Once, a lady actually tried to pull a needle out of my hand while I was attempting a shot, because she knew that she could hit it better. That's absolutely not cool. Besides the glaring fact that I know nothing about your hygiene or what diseases you might have... I  know my veins inside and out, what works and what doesn't. If you think you see something that will work better, chances are I've tried it and it doesn't. I'm not some doe eyed innocent who happened to find herself on the floor of a bathroom in a homeless shelter on skid row with a needle sticking out of her arm. I promise, you won't find a vein any easier that I will.

10. People who use NA as a substitute for their addiction. You see them in every meeting. They are usually the first ones to talk, the loudest ones in the room, and the ones who refuse the believe that anything but this program can work for anyone. Sure one addiction might be better for your health and have a lower risk of death then the other one. But don't fool yourself into thinking you are more evolved than the addicts who still struggle with drugs. NA is not the solution for everyone. Just because it worked for you, doesn't make it scripture. Nobody's addiction is the same. We use for different reasons. We quit for different reasons. Our rock-bottoms are all different. No cookie-cutter program will work for everyone. I don't want to substitute taking drugs with talking about not taking drugs. I know NA has helped a great number of people. I personally am thankful for it. But if you are just substituting one life-consuming addiction for another, are you really in recovery? Shouldn't the goal be to life that's not centered around drugs?

Along those same line- I'll just make this little addition about NA. People who use NA to wield power over others and take advantage of their authority over new comers. I knew this one guy who used to lie all the time in NA . I heard him tell the same stories time and time again, but with different endings, depending on the point he was trying to make. He was trying to use real-life examples of what would happen if you didn't follow the program as it was designed. He was misleading a very vulnerable group of people.  Some people use NA as a substitute for what is now missing in their lives. And some people need to feel powerful. If they are powerless over their drug use, they will find power somewhere else. Let me tell you something Mr. Big Shot. Having power over people who are trying to get clean for the first time is not impressive. They are probably the most vulnerable, least confident, easy to manipulate group of people there is. Why don't you volunteer at an ICU for infants? Would  that make you feel powerful? They're just about as easy to control as the newly clean trying to pickup the shattered pieces of their broken lives. They want to believe anything you tell them if it comes with the promise of a better life. Don't use your leadership position to control others. That's an addiction in itself. And the worst part was that so many of the "lessons" he was trying to teach were complete hogwash. Like, if you drink non-alcoholic beer, within the night you'll be slamming dope.

Again, a disclaimer: I have found NA to be very helpful and I don't belittle all the wonderful things that it was done for people in recovery. But like any organization that is run by humans, it's not perfect. But the world is certainly a better place because of it's existence.
Pft. I could keep going, but I think I'll end my little rant here. I actually do feel much better.

Heroin Humor

It depresses me that whenever heroin is in the media, or blogged about it's always such a downer. Let's face it, there are definitely come comical things about drug culture and heroin use. So, in order to bring more levity to the topic... I've put together a list of the top ten heroin jokes! I know, lots of people will say this is in bad taste, but those people probably shouldn't be reading my blog anyway, unless they are just looking to fuel their fire.
So, without further ado..
Top Ten Heroin One-Liners!
1. Junkies can find a needle in a haystack 
2. You know your 11 year old nephew has a competitive streak when you give him heroin and he doesn't flinch when the needle goes in.
3. I think the surest way to get over a fear of needles is to try heroin.
4. Just watched "True Life: I'm Addicted To Heroin" and now I'm high on heroin.Just kidding,I didn't watch"True Life: I'm Addicted To Heroin".
5. Always get back on the horse unless the horse is slang for heroin.
6. the Cow was bummed because he had just scored some heroin.
7. Someone told me shooting heroin up your rectum is addictive. I think putting anything up your rectum is addictive.
8. I am so relaxed since i quit drinking. I think the heroin may be helping.
9. My friend has parkinson's disease and is addicted to heroin. He can't seem to shake the habit.
10. Why is heroin better than a man (or woman): Heroin doesn't care about your looks, as long as you have good veins.
Know any more good heroin jokes? Feel free to post them in the comments section :)
Meth Joke Bonus Content!
Q: What's the difference between a crackhead and a tweaker?
A: The crackhead will steal your shit and bounce, the tweaker will steal your shit and then help you look for it.

And if you just can't get enough heroin humor...  I thought I'd share my playlist of funniest heroin related clips on YouTube.

Heroin Humor Playlist 

I'm always looking for new ones, so let me know if you have a Heroin Humor clip that not included in this playlist :)

Peace, Love & Rock 'n Roll!
D_D

Please People - Practice Harm Reduction

I just read The Heroin User's Handbook, and he points out something that I know to be true because I've seen it so many times in my life. Even when syringes are readily available and free for the taking, many IV drug users still reuse old needles - even when they've been made aware of the free service! Worse yet, many people still choose to share needles! Even in this day and age, when AIDS and Hep C still run rampant in drug using societies, people intentionally share needles when free ones are readily available and within walking distance. I met a girl in the skid row area a while back and she asked if she could have my old needle. I told her their was a needle exchange not even four blocks away. She had no idea it was even there! And then when she did know, she still had no interest in using it. Opting instead to buy a rig from a dealer for $1. Where do you think he got all those needles? The FREE needle exchange down the street! Needle Exchanges offer such a valuable service to IV drug users. I just wish that everybody would take advantage of what they have to offer. Not only does it prevent life-threatening diseases, but it helps to keep your veins in top shooting shape. Even if you don't share needles but just reuse your old needles, it's still very damaging and dangerous. Besides tearing your veins up, bacteria can form, causing abscesses and being responsible for its own variety of diseases. We currently have about 800 needles in the house. Yeah, obviously I worked up to that. But you know? The needle exchange offers anyone 10 rigs plus all the equipment you need to prep your shot - even if you don't bring anything in to exchange. So if you don't want to spend the $3.19 at Wallgreens for a 10-pack, go pick up 10 free needles. Then bring them into exchange when you are done with them, preferably on a Wednesday when they offer a 2-for-1 deal, and pick up 20 new ones. Keep doing that and soon enough you'll have a sizable stash of your own that will last you for a couple weeks or more and you never have to use the same needle twice! The book also contains a large section on how to prep a shot. The emphasis was on cleanliness and hygiene. It surprised me a little, especially when he talked so much about keeping your needle clean, that he didn't mention using a suck-up needle. I always suck up the liquid in one needle and then transfer the contents by back-filling a fresh needle. That way there are zero sanitation concerns, but more importantly, it doesn't damage the tip of the needle at all. I've posted this picture before, but I just want to refresh everyone's memory, because it is so important to use a fresh needles every single time. This is a comparison of the tip of a syringe before it's first use and the subsequent uses after that, up to six times. Does that look like something that you want to put in your veins?? Hell no! Even if I'm having trouble finding a good vein, if I've made too many attempts I switch needles. It will help keep your veins usable for longer. And I think that's important to every IV drug user (unless you just slam occasionally. In which case... good for you! I envy your ability to use in moderation!) So that's all. I'm done my little soap-box rant. But I do care about the health of my IV drug using peers. And I want the community to be as safe as possible. Firstly, for your own personal heath. Secondly, to reduce the number of IV drug related health problems. So that society will have one less reason to stereotype us all as lazy, irresponsible, good for nothing junkies who pose a heath threat and a danger to society. Harm reduction is important. I hope everybody who decides to "play" with the IV ROA takes this seriously. At best, it will safe your life. At worst, it will save you a couple of abscesses.

☮ ❤ & ♪♬
D_D

The Monkey On My Back

I'm trapped in my thoughts, stupid consuming thoughts. They are so simple, so few. But they are ever there. Crushing my skull inward, until my brain, crippling under the devastating pressure, cries for relief. I scan my body for physical pain, somewhere, anywhere(!) that would justify the agonizing crush of my mind. I find nothing. No physical justification. Just the thoughts. Unrelenting.

I survey again, taking inventory of my surroundings. Some physical discomfort is present, yet not intense. A dull throb in my back. Bones tired. Muscles tense. Hands tremble slightly. The tremble intensifies to a shake as I lift my hand off my knee to examine my hands. They shake as though they belong to an old grandmother. Her hands - frail, veins blue and thin - gently reach with love and excitement, caressing the cheek of her newborn great-granddaughter. But those aren't my hands. That's not my story. I'm a 35 year old woman, supposedly in the prime of my life. Yet those are my hands, shaking almost ruthlessly, veins blue and bruised. I shove them under my legs, trying to regain some control. Or rather, to hide my lack of control. My sweat feels ice cold as the breeze comes through the window, though it's hotter than sin outside.

My thoughts are back. I suppose they never left. I was only momentarily able to distract myself by focusing on the physical pain. The TV is on, l guess I've been watching, but I can't recall what's happened. How long have I been watching?

"We should bring a cooler and a blanket. It should be fun, right?" I'm in a conversation! Can I remember what I just agreed to? Can he tell that I only have these unrelated thoughts to any question he, or anyone else, may ask me? Have I responded properly or is it plainly written on my face? I feel the words form on my tongue and my voice says "Yeah, that should be fun. I love Jurassic Park."

<No!> My brain yells <If I agree to come, I can at least go high, right?!? I won't have fun without heroin!>

Shut up, shut up, shut up! I'm terrified he can read it in my face.  He smiles at me, maybe oblivious. Or perhaps just unwilling to address my constant companion, my hidden inner thoughts. Those opinions of the ever present monkey on my back. My best friend. Always predictable. Always with the same response. The infernal repetition. Always. Every sentence of the day.

"Cool. We'll pick up some food and make a picnic of it!"

<As long as I can get high. Otherwise it won't be fun>

The shows back on. His attention turns back to the television. I relax. Focus is off me. He couldn't tell I was thinking about heroin. I made it through another conversation. I try to watch some TV. Doesn't he know that this is the way all our conversations go? Every single one of the day, from the moment I wake till the time I try to sleep again. Although since I stopped using, three hellish, unending weeks ago, I've barely slept a wink. I just pray for time to past, waiting till I can feel the needle pierce my skin, see the blood enter the chamber and taste the heroin enter my bloodstream. Waiting...

<You know you can't stay away from me for long. You won't be happy without me.>

…i know…

<You've made it three weeks clean! You deserve to get high.>

There's the pressure again. My brain pounding against my skull. My eyes close trying to keep my brain from spilling out.

I hear a far away voice pulling me back from the dark.... "What do you want for dinner tonight?"

Ahhhh…! Why won't he just leave me alone! I don't want to eat. I don't care about food. I just want heroin, you idiot! How can you be so blind and inconsiderate!

"I don't know, maybe Subway or something."

I feel sick but I know I have to eat, or else betray the little voice in my head. The voice of my little monkey friend. And I'm hoping he leaves the house, if just to give me moment of peace.

"That sounds good. I'll grab it 15 or 20 minutes. That cool?"

"Yeah, sounds good." I hear myself say. Although the words are detached.

My mind drifts again, though I pretend to watch the TV. I can't focus my attention. I don't want to be this unhappy. I don't want to be a slave. He once said to me that I didn't love anyone as much as heroin. Actually, he's said it a few times. I hated him for saying that. That can't possibly be true. I love people. Heroin is a chemical. But I thought. I thought about my past. Is that true? Could that possibility be true? I thought about my friends, my family, my boyfriends. I've hurt all of them. Every single one of them I've lied to. I've deceived, stolen from, betrayed. And who was always there for me? To comfort me when I was afraid, humiliated, insecure?

Heroin was always with me when I was alone. It made me feel wanted, accepted, needed. Heroin made me feel as though I had a place in this world. It wasn't that I merely loved heroin, I knew that heroin loved me as well. But even beyond that, heroin made me lovable. The rest of the world might not see that or understand, but I knew why. I knew what gave me strength in the eyes of the world. I knew what gave me strength in myself.

I suppose he was right. I do love heroin more than any other person in my life. Well, why not? Who else was with me in my darkest, most vulnerable times? When I was all alone and needed a friend? Heroin was always with me.

But here I am, desperately abstaining. For what? The approval of people who don't understand? Who will never understand? What is wrong with me?

I won't be without you for long. I desperately pleaded for heroin to be there when I was done with this pointless separation.

 <I will always be here for you. You will always need me. In fact, you can't live without me.>

I knew it was right. I can't, so why even bother trying. This is stupid. I shouldn't have to go through all this pain, when I know the second this month is over I'm going to have a needle in my vein faster than you could count to the next minute.

Yet here I was. Trying. Giving it one more try. Maybe this time will stick. Maybe this time I'll learn something new. Maybe this time I'll clue into this secret that every other person in the NA rooms seems to understand. Maybe....

"I'm going to go pick up the sandwiches. Want me to just make a snap decision while I'm there?"

"Sounds good." I mumble.

He kisses me on the cheek, since I avoid turning my lips to meet his. He is unaffected or unaware of my unexplained bitterness when the door closes behind him. I'm alone again. Thank God.

I try to empty my mind while I watch the TV. I'm not really interested, so I play with my nails, filing and cleaning.

"… I can feel it running through my veins…" I hear the TV say. I don't know what the context is, but the statement sets the monkey's voice off again.

My veins. I put the nail file down and turn my hands over to examine the top of my hands again, skin, nails and veins. My nails are dark and filthy underneath. No matter how often I try to clean them, the blackness sticks.  Soiled with visual reminders from the black tar, carbon from the chemical reaction between flame and metal and from a general avoidance of a purifying shower. I've put of the unpleasant task since I started this futile fast. The reminder of the hot water cooling and mingling with the cold sweats on my body during withdraws gave me the chills. How unpleasant, I shuttered. Although I knew, if only for the sake of the public, it was soon unavoidable.

My veins, now they were the true traitors. They gave my secret away, no matter how hard I tried to hide it. The blood red scabs, the bruising. They told my past. Not only the heroin, but the meth, the coke and all the other drugs I maintained directly into my bloodstream and straight to my brain. Over and over again. But mostly they told about the heroin. The telltale signs of a junky. The lowest cast of American society. A cast I was not only proud of but one I clung to, like an obsessed lover.

Although I sometimes tried to hide them, in less critical situations I wore them like a badge of honor. What would I be without them? How could I make it through a day without stabbing a syringe in them 5, 8, 1 0 times a day and still be happy?

<You would not be happy. Only I can bring you happiness.>

My head hung in shame. No, of course not. I could never be happy without heroin. How could I even think otherwise? I'm the traitor.

I heard keys jingle and moments later the door opened. I stuffed my hands back under my legs, lest I betray the voice in my head.

"I got a turkey club" he said cheerfully.

"Awesome" I spit the word with poison, though I was unsure if the tone gave away my true unhappiness.

<You don't need a sandwich. All you need is heroin. Soon.>

I know....

The internal struggle was killing me. I know that people were happy living without heroin. Billions of them the world over. I saw them on the streets, going about their business, raising their families, going to the movies. All without sticking a spike in their veins. But how? How do they achieve this? That couldn't be my life, could it? Had I been happy before heroin? Had there been a time before heroin? I could barely remember anymore. I didn't even want to remember.

Yet there was a softer, weaker voice. I felt it struggling to be heard over the louder, more oppressive voice of the monkey.

<it is possible. you know it is. don't give up. you are lovable.>

I looked over at my boyfriend and took the sandwich he was handing me. "I love you" he said.

"I love you, too." I wanted to cry.

Top 15–Things that SUCK about Drugs and Drug Culture!

Okay folks – Since I’m not using drugs (at least any good ones) I figured I would focus some of my energy on things that suck about drugs and drug use, instead of spending my time studying drugs, pining over drugs and listening to Lou Reed – which is my normal course of action during times like this. So let’s cut out any bullshit and head straight to the punch. I present – 15 Things that SUCK about drugs!


1. Opiate Constipation. Need I say more. OUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Nothing more painful when it final does push its way out. All you can do is sit on the toilet, crumpled over in a ball, and screaming “Please help me Lord!” Unless that’s just me… in that case… ignore this one, Girls don’t pop. Public Service Announcement: Don’t forget your Deculex!

2. Blowing bad coke. One line of bad coke and your noise is Fucked for days. Over last years NYE run in NYC, the first night we got bad coke. Two lines and my nose was destroyed. We got good coke for the rest of the trip, and I couldn’t enjoy it because my damn bloody nose hurt so bad from two fucking lines of that cut shit. Really – no need to ever do anything besides slam coke anyway… the only reason I’ll do lines is because of the social stigma around locking yourself in a bathroom to cook it up. Which brings me to my next point.

3. The social stigma around IV use. Yeah, everyone knows that heavy IV use is bad for your veins and bad According to the study by the National Institute on Drug Abuse*. It’s this freaking trypanophobia or aichmophobia, belonephobia, or enetophobia – or whatever you want to call a fear of needles – that has everyone so up in arms against other people doing it.

for your body, with all sorts of negative possibilities. Abscesses, needles breaking off in your arm, Staff collapsed veins. But  why people assume everyone that IV's is going to die prematurely, and live a hopeless life in the meantime, is beyond me. But I don’t see why if one choices to IV a drug (which when done properly, is not an intrinsically dangerous activity.) that makes you any worse of a person than someone who blows lines or smokes everyday. Yes, once you IV it’s hard to go back to anything else, BUT all Routes of Administration are clinically proven to cause addiction and can be equally as harmful *

4. People that live in the state of California or other states where having a medical marihuana card is not only readily available, but practically required for citizenship in the state. And then on top of that – talk about how good their weed is. Which is one of either two things:

1. Not good at all – in fact it reminds me of the crap from college. Don’t offer it to me, we’re smoking my weed. Period. And stop acting offended, I hold all my drugs to high standards. Save yours for when your home alone and don't embarrass yourself.  OR
2. Bought for them by their friend with a card.

Just go out and get your own! If you don’t want to get the fancy card they all try to trick you into (fyi – it’s not your actual prescription and can’t legal protect you in anyway. You need to carry your actual paper recommendation for that), it can as little as $35 bucks. That was what I paid at the Cannabis Cup last year, where I renewed, even though I still had some time left, just because it was fast and easy. And they were processing people through the line like a slaughter house – I was in and done within 6 minutes.

5. Old black men that go around to head shows in Los Angeles, like say, at The Greek, and try to push these ridicules looking mushrooms, and fake opium around. Those mushrooms don’t even slightly resemble real Psilocybin mushrooms of any sort…. and your opium smells like incense from Venice Beach. Stay clear of these guys. They hit up every head show.

6. The popular rumor that plugging turns you gay, or you wouldn’t possibly do it if you weren’t already secretly gay. I’m here to set the record straight once and for all. Yes – if you plug (or boof, or booty bump, or whatever you want to call it) you will immediately want to suck cock if you are male. Scientific proven fact.(I forgot the source – I’ll try to find it later or something.) Now let’s put the subject to rest.

7. The archaic and assigning expression, SWIM. If I open a forum and I see the word SWIM sticking out like a sore thumb on the page, I will immediately shut down the site and go to bluelight for my answers, where they specifically tell people NOT to use that an acronym. Everyone knows your talking about yourself. You’re not being cute. It’s not going to protect you from the law. And if for so dumbass reason you are using it in a sentence like “SWIM has a meth lab in their house in Marietta Georgia, and I find such-and-such the best method to not blow up my kitchen.”, maybe you should reconsider the illegal and personal information you are posting on the World-Wide IntrerWeb on a Drug Message Board that logs your IP address every time you sign in.

8. Ugh, I’ll say it. As bad as constipation is – Opiate Withdraw. Far worse. ‘Nuff said about that. The thought makes my spine cure. I’ve had enough of the Cold Sweats already today, I don’t need to trigger more.

9. Loosing, dropping, boiling over, blowing across the room… Any act of “God” that diminishes or destroys  your pile o’ precious drugs. I’ve been the cause, your roommates been the cause, YOU’VE been the cause, it happens. But Lord Almighty, it sucks when it does. Your only hope is that you have a stock pile accumulated somewhere.

10.Selling anything to IV users that’s not what it’s supposed to be or has additives that haven’t been pre-tested. I’ve put some N-A-S-T-Y shit in my veins, believing I’ve bought what I was told. When you are dealing to IV users, it’s a totally different game, you could kill someone. I spent a WEEK shooting MSM  thinking it was Meth once, let alone all the 99% fake blow and a couple incidents of MDMA/Moon Rocks that fucked me up (not in a good way) after slamming.

11. Speaking of slamming – can’t leave these little beauties out…. abscesses, staff infection collapsed veins, missed meth shots, scar tissue, IM soreness, phantom veins, track marks, blown-out veins. Trying to shoot for 3-4-5 hours and not being able to hit – or IM cause now your rigs filled with blood. Anything along these lines. Yeah, IVing can come with a great pay off being 100% bioavailable and instantaneous, but damn there are some shitty things about.

12. Street dealers in downtown LA that threaten to stab you with their knife “cause I’m not afraid to go to jail. You think I won’t stab you just to stay out of jail?!?” Just because you asked what else they have, instead of immediately buying the Crack they’re pushing – and wasting their time at 2am! They’ll stab you!

13. When police monitor a area that is constantly swarming with people buying/selling drugs, and target one or two people, just to make their presence known. Every person in a 5 block radius is dirty, or high. You know it’s not going to stop, we know your presence isn’t going to make it stop. Just park your car down the street and wait for an emergency, like a mugging, or rape, then jump in when people need you. Same goes for security at shows – 90% of the people are packing dirty. Drop the pretense. If you want to ban glass – more power too you. Take it all. Just accept the fact that drugs are everywhere. It hasn’t changed in 100 years, nor will in for another 100.  Where there is live music, illegal drugs are present.

14. Raw mouth after a night of ecstasy binging… or as you young folks call it, Molly. Either way – MDMA in all it’s forms. It’s fun. It makes you dance all night. Provides some great sex. But damn my mouth is sore after a night or two of rolling. No matter what precautions I take. Anyone have a remedy for this??

15. Drug hands. I hadn’t painted my figure nails since I was in high school. Now I’m required to paint them
weekly, just to cover up the black grossness that penetrates the skin and gets under the nail. I can’t lick my fingers without getting this nasty taste, even though I’ve washed my hands like 8 times since last time I used. It permeates, and doesn’t go away!

Bonus! ANYONE WHO COMPLAINS ABOUT THE SMELL OF DMT! GET OVER IT – FOR BEING THE MOST AWESOME DRUG ON THE PLANET, IT’S OKAY TO HAVE A COUPLE DOWNFALLS, LIKE SMELLING LIKE BURNING PLASTIC AND DEAD BODIES AND STICKING TO EVERYTHING IT TOUCHES. BESIDES, I GENUINELY DON’T MIND THE SMELL. DON’T KNOCK IT TILL YOU’VE TRIED IT.

Next time I hear someone complain about the smell, I’m going to offer to pack their pipe with my fine weed, and blast that shit with DMT. Takes ages to get the smell out, I’m not sure if it ever really comes out. And if you ask to borrow my bowl (packed with weed) ya gotta take the extra DMT flavoring with it, no complaints