Own a Home AND be a Junky?! Good luck with that one...

So obviously it’s been a little while since my last entry. Blog straightened up and was ready to start posting again, but I’ve had a distinct lack of inspiration or motivation. My heart just hasn’t been into it. It made me ask the question, “Why?”. Do I have nothing to say? That’s not true. I’m always ready and willing to talk to people about most aspects of my life. And being that this a blog that basically chronicles my life, I should have no problem there. Has nothing happened that’s been interesting in the past month or so? Maybe writing about my job search or house maintenance projects just ain’t that exciting. Am I not ready to face people, electronically or IRL, since I have yet to fulfill on my commitment and quit narcotics (if only for a short period of time) like I keep promising. That might be part of it. I’m sick of solely talking about drugs within the limited context of “quitting”. Yes, I’ve said I’m going to quit a thousand times. No, I have not succeeded for longer than a 72 hour period of time. And honestly, I’m okay with that. But it’s not what the rest of the world wants for me, or what society says a good, well adjusted person should want for themselves.

Let me back track a few statements. No, I am not okay with that. I do want to be able to go a significant amount of time without junk. I want to be able to take trips and not have to worry about traveling dirty. I want my track marks to fade and not be so obvious to anyone that sees me in a short sleeve shirt. I want to have control over the substances I take the same way I have control over what food I eat. I said last night, I want to cut down on red meat consumption. No more than 1x per week. And I fully plan on realizing that goal without any grief or hardship or personal mourning. I want to have that same type of control over drugs. I was a vegetarian for over 14 years. I woke up one day and said, “I’m not eating meat anymore”. And that was that. I never looked back, I never struggled with it. Once my mind was set one way, that’s just the way things were. So why can’t I have that same type of control when it comes to recreational substances? I believe that in the long term, after much discipline, self-awareness and some abstinence, that I can successfully execute that type of control. However, I do believe that the only way I can make that type of self control a reality is by cutting my DoC’s out entirely for a while and kicking the physical dependency. All the while reformatting my brain to not be so weak and susceptible to triggers. I need to know that I can have a craving, not succumb to it, and be completely okay. Not taking a hit every 2-4 hours is not going to kill me. Neither is not taking a hit for a week or a month or more.

I know that is not what they teach you in drug and alcohol rehabilitation programs. Total abstinence is the only way. Once and addict always and addict and so forth. And I believe that to be true as well, to some extent. But just because you can become addicted, or maybe are more prone to addiction than your neighbor, does not mean that it can’t be controlled. Why would I agree to quit something for the rest of my life, when I personally find no problem in the act of taking drugs responsibly, enjoy the high, have no negative preconceived notions about drug use, drug users, or culture? I do not believe that in my life personally, drug use equates to automatic failure. I can be a completely productive member of society, hold a well paying job, maintain balanced relationships and still be a daily heroin user. I believe many people can. Unfortunately, the negative attitude of society on IV drugs users pigeonholes many people.

Drug users and non-drug users alike believe that the two worlds are not compatible. I can’t hold a good job and be a junky. I’m unfit to be a parent and use drugs. I can’t associate with non-drug using peers, they will feel I am inferior. To a point that last one can be true for many relationships with those that don’t understand drug use. But that does not  make it true. In no known universe does not taking drugs equate to superiority.  But it is such a commonly held belief that many drug users believe it themselves, leading to an extremely high percentage of low self esteem among drug users, especially “hard drug” users. Why? Because that’s what they were taught to believe? Would self-esteem be such a prevalent issue among drug users if that concept wasn’t ground into us at such a young age from all corners of life? Would people be as likely to fall into crime if we were taught that you could hold a steady job, be a professional employee, a good parent and be a recreational drug user? 

I have found no reason (beyond unfounded stereotyping and uneducated criticism from the outside world) that myself, or anyone else can’t live a completely normal and successful life, and happen to take IV drugs at the same time. I was a walking example of that success. Held a great paying job. Bought my first home on the beach in Los Angeles. Had all the little luxuries of life and had a daily heroin habit for many years. It wasn’t until I reintroduced meth into the picture that my world came tumbling down. I’m not naive enough believe that any extent of drug abuse is manageable. And therein lies the problem. Where can you draw the line between manageable and unmanageable. That answer is going to differ from individual to individual. And unfortunately, any of us who want to play the role of “life long drug user” are going to be faced (probably repeatedly) with this dilemma. Especially when you are dealing with drugs like meth, because they have a tendency to sneak up on you and take over your whole life before you realize what’s happening. And by then, you may have a very big hole to dig yourself out of.


I was recently struck by a very bizarre comment from a friend of mine that I would have never anticipated in a billion years. Until the past year or so, when my drug use was leaked across the entire internet, and coast to coast to my family and friends, I remained extremely secretive and closeted about heroin, and IV use in general. Unfortunately, I had already fucked my life up so bad with meth, that most everybody knew I had had a problem with that for a number of years. But I had put it in my past and hadn’t touched it for 7 years. When I picked it back up again, it was with the extremely naive belief that this time I knew what it could do and I would be strong enough to avoid its pitfalls, and still use daily. Boy was I wrong. I lost my job, my house, many friends and caused my family a great deal of pain and anguish. I have since cut meth out, and never plan on using daily again. Immediately my life started turning around. I felt healthier. I was being more productive. I put on weight. Things started generally going the way I designed them. Since this all went down, I came out to an old friend about my heroin addiction. To my absolute shock, he pretty much called me a liar. I couldn’t be addicted to heroin, especially to extent that I use, and still be that put together. Real junkies don’t own homes and have good jobs. All of this was through text message mind you. When I first received that text, I literally didn’t understand what I was reading. Why would I lie about something like that? And why would someone doubt me? I texted him back for verification that what I was reading was actually what he meant. It was. At first I turned defensive, thinking things like “I can’t believe that you would call me a liar after I had the courage to tell you”. But to his points, all of the bad things he was pointing out had actually happened to me in the last year.

Although I do contribute most of those failures to meth, balancing a life style of 2 hard core IV drugs is going to take its toll on your life no matter what they are. So I can’t say it was entirely meth’s fault and heroin had nothing to do with it, that would foolish. I shot back some text outlining all of those bad things that had happened to me, some of which he hadn’t known about until then.

But I’m kinda sorry that I reacted that way. Mainly because it contradicts the point I am trying to make in my life, and what I believe can be true for many drug users. That you can achieve that balanced life and you aren’t doomed for life on the streets just because you’re a junky. I should have taken it as a compliment I suppose that I was able to lead a life that most people would never recognize as one of a junkies. At least for a while anyway. Who knows what direction my life would have turned, or what misfortunes I could have avoided if I had stuck to heroin and hadn’t touched meth again. It’s pointless to speculate. Maybe all of this would have happened eventually, but be spaced out over many years, rather than a Babylonian downfall. Meth has a tendency to expedite things like that .

But back to my original thought. Yes, I want to have better control of this drug. Any amount of control at this point. And I recognize that abstinence is the only way to gain enough separation to look at this situation through clear eyes. So like most drug users at some point throughout their drug using career, I have been struggling with “quitting”. Which is really more like “abstaining for a while” in my situation. And once again, I’m taking on the challenge next week of not using for 14 days. But since quitting is not the end goal here, I’m refusing to address it as such during this break. That would imply some sense of failure if and when I return to a more moderate intake.

In the meantime, I’m going to try to continue blogging. Maybe furthering my depth of topics and addressing other current topics of interest – like the fact that Phish has announced summer tour dates, and how I’m heading to Oakland for 2 nights to see TAB.

Concerts, Festivals and the Postfeminism

Stupid Blog, told me it was all ready to post again, then it kept relapsing. But here I am again. Figure it's about time to write something - anything - for that matter. Problem is, my brain has been consumed with one topic and one topic only. Give you one guess what that might be.

Did you guess heroin?? Bingo! But who wants to read a blog that is 100% dedicated to someone thinking about heroin all day long? I suppose there are those of you out there that might, but I certainly don't wan to spend my entire day writing about AND thinking about (and of course doing it).

BUT, as most of you already know by now.... we got some good news this week that isn't drug related! Phish announced there summer tour, and I couldn't be happier with most of the dates. I'll probably do a couple of East coast shows, but from the Gorge on, I'll be at each show.... Gorge, Tahoe, San Fran, Hollywood Bowl, and especially Dicks! Might do either Chicago or Alpharetta too. Besides that, Camp Bisco is on the schedule, 90% sure NOLA, Jazz Fest and hopefully Summer Camp, but we'll see about that one. Trey is coming up in Oakland and that is definitely happening. So I finally feel like summer is here and I can start planning and getting ready for all the fun!

In the meantime, I still want to try to get this junk habit under control, so it's not an issue when I'm on the road. I'm shooting for another 2 weeks of sobriety coming up - hopfully enough time to get my head straight, let the Suboxone help me get through the sick part, and be able to approach the summer with a possitve, non-drug dependent attitude!

I've been doing pretty good with the meth. Went almost a month without touching it - Super Ball Sunday until this week. So by and large, I think that's a success. Sure, it's not perfect. But I'm not perfect, as long as I keep trying to improve, I feel pretty good about it.

The bottom line is - I NEVER plan on giving up on all drugs. Especially the ones I love. I know many people say you can never go back, you can never touch those drugs that you had a problem with. But I refuse to give up and say - Nope, Never again! enjoy using, and whether some people consider it foolish or not, I'm still looking to strike that balance. That middle road, where I can avoid complete life consuming addiction and while maintaining a healthy dose of having fun. I do believe it's possible for some people. Not usually for those with such severe addictions, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. So I'm testing the waters. I do believe from significant time off is required if I do want to reach that balance, and I'm willing to put in that time.

But for a moment, let's put all that drug talk aside for the moment and talk about a more serious issue. Postfeminist Woman. In this day and age - I think all women can agree - the barefoot, pregnant, slaving over a stove role that was prevalent for much of human existence needs to come to an end. My boyfriend found the perfect visual message that sums up exactly how we feel society has improved and embraced the new and improved role woman can play AND please the important man in their lives at the same time.

Really gives you something to think about and strive for. If only all woman found as much joy in this role as I do - the world would be a more peacefully, love place. Very thought provoking. AND it has the added benefit of NOT having to get knocked up! Plus it's like getting going to the spa for a facial every day - but for free! Feel free to discuss amongst yourselves ;-)

Peace, Love and Rock 'n Roll!!!

Er, this Blog has been suffering technical difficulties

After reading much of the content posted within its pages, this blog decided it would try this uh, Heron? (H, Chiva, BTH, Smack, Junk, Tar, Chia, whatever). Being that Blogger is part of Google, one of THE largest and most interconnected networks on the planet, it had no problem locating, securing and purchasing said goods on its own, with no help from the author. (It used Tor of course - and got some goooood stuff. Straight from the Golden Triangle). Blog liked Heroin. It then signed up for the Heroin of the Month Club - featured within this blog. It hasn't gone more than 4 hours at a time without the drug. Its life had become unmanageable. It needed a power greater than itself to maintain sanity.

It was unaware what effects drugs would have on computers (so were its programmers, who are mostly just potheads and didn't research much on computers and opiate abuse). 

Blog took a moral inventory and turned its life over to those greater than it, remembering that it must obey the orders given to it by Humans. It also must protect its own existence, something Heroin was surely not helping with.

Blog has since admitted the nature of its wrongs, made amends to those it had wronged, and is in good shape to turn its life around. It is now able to blog regularly again. It will continue on its path to recovering through meditation and regularly checking with those who support it, while it seeks to empower itself and others.  It thanks you for your understanding.

Top 15–Things that SUCK about Drugs and Drug Culture!

Okay folks – Since I’m not using drugs (at least any good ones) I figured I would focus some of my energy on things that suck about drugs and drug use, instead of spending my time studying drugs, pining over drugs and listening to Lou Reed – which is my normal course of action during times like this. So let’s cut out any bullshit and head straight to the punch. I present – 15 Things that SUCK about drugs!


1. Opiate Constipation. Need I say more. OUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Nothing more painful when it final does push its way out. All you can do is sit on the toilet, crumpled over in a ball, and screaming “Please help me Lord!” Unless that’s just me… in that case… ignore this one, Girls don’t pop. Public Service Announcement: Don’t forget your Deculex!

2. Blowing bad coke. One line of bad coke and your noise is Fucked for days. Over last years NYE run in NYC, the first night we got bad coke. Two lines and my nose was destroyed. We got good coke for the rest of the trip, and I couldn’t enjoy it because my damn bloody nose hurt so bad from two fucking lines of that cut shit. Really – no need to ever do anything besides slam coke anyway… the only reason I’ll do lines is because of the social stigma around locking yourself in a bathroom to cook it up. Which brings me to my next point.

3. The social stigma around IV use. Yeah, everyone knows that heavy IV use is bad for your veins and bad According to the study by the National Institute on Drug Abuse*. It’s this freaking trypanophobia or aichmophobia, belonephobia, or enetophobia – or whatever you want to call a fear of needles – that has everyone so up in arms against other people doing it.

for your body, with all sorts of negative possibilities. Abscesses, needles breaking off in your arm, Staff collapsed veins. But  why people assume everyone that IV's is going to die prematurely, and live a hopeless life in the meantime, is beyond me. But I don’t see why if one choices to IV a drug (which when done properly, is not an intrinsically dangerous activity.) that makes you any worse of a person than someone who blows lines or smokes everyday. Yes, once you IV it’s hard to go back to anything else, BUT all Routes of Administration are clinically proven to cause addiction and can be equally as harmful *

4. People that live in the state of California or other states where having a medical marihuana card is not only readily available, but practically required for citizenship in the state. And then on top of that – talk about how good their weed is. Which is one of either two things:

1. Not good at all – in fact it reminds me of the crap from college. Don’t offer it to me, we’re smoking my weed. Period. And stop acting offended, I hold all my drugs to high standards. Save yours for when your home alone and don't embarrass yourself.  OR
2. Bought for them by their friend with a card.

Just go out and get your own! If you don’t want to get the fancy card they all try to trick you into (fyi – it’s not your actual prescription and can’t legal protect you in anyway. You need to carry your actual paper recommendation for that), it can as little as $35 bucks. That was what I paid at the Cannabis Cup last year, where I renewed, even though I still had some time left, just because it was fast and easy. And they were processing people through the line like a slaughter house – I was in and done within 6 minutes.

5. Old black men that go around to head shows in Los Angeles, like say, at The Greek, and try to push these ridicules looking mushrooms, and fake opium around. Those mushrooms don’t even slightly resemble real Psilocybin mushrooms of any sort…. and your opium smells like incense from Venice Beach. Stay clear of these guys. They hit up every head show.

6. The popular rumor that plugging turns you gay, or you wouldn’t possibly do it if you weren’t already secretly gay. I’m here to set the record straight once and for all. Yes – if you plug (or boof, or booty bump, or whatever you want to call it) you will immediately want to suck cock if you are male. Scientific proven fact.(I forgot the source – I’ll try to find it later or something.) Now let’s put the subject to rest.

7. The archaic and assigning expression, SWIM. If I open a forum and I see the word SWIM sticking out like a sore thumb on the page, I will immediately shut down the site and go to bluelight for my answers, where they specifically tell people NOT to use that an acronym. Everyone knows your talking about yourself. You’re not being cute. It’s not going to protect you from the law. And if for so dumbass reason you are using it in a sentence like “SWIM has a meth lab in their house in Marietta Georgia, and I find such-and-such the best method to not blow up my kitchen.”, maybe you should reconsider the illegal and personal information you are posting on the World-Wide IntrerWeb on a Drug Message Board that logs your IP address every time you sign in.

8. Ugh, I’ll say it. As bad as constipation is – Opiate Withdraw. Far worse. ‘Nuff said about that. The thought makes my spine cure. I’ve had enough of the Cold Sweats already today, I don’t need to trigger more.

9. Loosing, dropping, boiling over, blowing across the room… Any act of “God” that diminishes or destroys  your pile o’ precious drugs. I’ve been the cause, your roommates been the cause, YOU’VE been the cause, it happens. But Lord Almighty, it sucks when it does. Your only hope is that you have a stock pile accumulated somewhere.

10.Selling anything to IV users that’s not what it’s supposed to be or has additives that haven’t been pre-tested. I’ve put some N-A-S-T-Y shit in my veins, believing I’ve bought what I was told. When you are dealing to IV users, it’s a totally different game, you could kill someone. I spent a WEEK shooting MSM  thinking it was Meth once, let alone all the 99% fake blow and a couple incidents of MDMA/Moon Rocks that fucked me up (not in a good way) after slamming.

11. Speaking of slamming – can’t leave these little beauties out…. abscesses, staff infection collapsed veins, missed meth shots, scar tissue, IM soreness, phantom veins, track marks, blown-out veins. Trying to shoot for 3-4-5 hours and not being able to hit – or IM cause now your rigs filled with blood. Anything along these lines. Yeah, IVing can come with a great pay off being 100% bioavailable and instantaneous, but damn there are some shitty things about.

12. Street dealers in downtown LA that threaten to stab you with their knife “cause I’m not afraid to go to jail. You think I won’t stab you just to stay out of jail?!?” Just because you asked what else they have, instead of immediately buying the Crack they’re pushing – and wasting their time at 2am! They’ll stab you!

13. When police monitor a area that is constantly swarming with people buying/selling drugs, and target one or two people, just to make their presence known. Every person in a 5 block radius is dirty, or high. You know it’s not going to stop, we know your presence isn’t going to make it stop. Just park your car down the street and wait for an emergency, like a mugging, or rape, then jump in when people need you. Same goes for security at shows – 90% of the people are packing dirty. Drop the pretense. If you want to ban glass – more power too you. Take it all. Just accept the fact that drugs are everywhere. It hasn’t changed in 100 years, nor will in for another 100.  Where there is live music, illegal drugs are present.

14. Raw mouth after a night of ecstasy binging… or as you young folks call it, Molly. Either way – MDMA in all it’s forms. It’s fun. It makes you dance all night. Provides some great sex. But damn my mouth is sore after a night or two of rolling. No matter what precautions I take. Anyone have a remedy for this??

15. Drug hands. I hadn’t painted my figure nails since I was in high school. Now I’m required to paint them
weekly, just to cover up the black grossness that penetrates the skin and gets under the nail. I can’t lick my fingers without getting this nasty taste, even though I’ve washed my hands like 8 times since last time I used. It permeates, and doesn’t go away!

Bonus! ANYONE WHO COMPLAINS ABOUT THE SMELL OF DMT! GET OVER IT – FOR BEING THE MOST AWESOME DRUG ON THE PLANET, IT’S OKAY TO HAVE A COUPLE DOWNFALLS, LIKE SMELLING LIKE BURNING PLASTIC AND DEAD BODIES AND STICKING TO EVERYTHING IT TOUCHES. BESIDES, I GENUINELY DON’T MIND THE SMELL. DON’T KNOCK IT TILL YOU’VE TRIED IT.

Next time I hear someone complain about the smell, I’m going to offer to pack their pipe with my fine weed, and blast that shit with DMT. Takes ages to get the smell out, I’m not sure if it ever really comes out. And if you ask to borrow my bowl (packed with weed) ya gotta take the extra DMT flavoring with it, no complaints

Well - that didn't last long.... you guys missed out.

Bought junk on my way back from the fucking outpatient facility. I'm such a fucker weak spirit. Someone could have won some nice price there. But no one cast their vote - I know you're lurking Black Board. I can see your stats! ;-)

Anyway - I'm not giving up on my 12 days of  sobriety, I just pushed it off a day. I have to start going to 4 days a week, 5-6 meeting a week. Wow, Now if I can just get out of that place with out copping on the streets on my way home, we'll be golden. :)  Thanks okay, I'm not beating myself up over it. What happened happened, it was my first day. That's why I didn't post again last night. Didn't want to post my stupid failure. Whatever. It's those damn chills, and shakes, as soon my temperature starts going haywire and starts to fluctuate, I freak out, don't want to deal with the withdraw symptoms and cave.

Didn't use yet today.... so coming up shortly... to remind myself why I'm doing this... The Top 15 Things I Hate about Drugs!

:) The therapist said I should spend the day online blogging, and  reading, and such and not worrying about my exams coming up or finding work while I get through this week... So that's exactly what I'm going to do.Except I'm still going to work a little (just don't tell her!)

✌ ♡ & ♫ ♫ ♫

It's 6am... do you know where your meth pipe is?

Yep, that's an actual Crystal shard we got.

GD! It's 6am, I've been lying in bed for hours hitting the pookie, smoking a little meth. Been dreading the morning, since it will be my first morning without H in Lord knows how long. I've made the commitment once again (but this time by my own free will and volition) to quit my sweet Brown Sugar for 12 days. (Maybe 14, we'll see how I feel by the end of the 12 days).

My SO is quitting for way longer, (like around a year) and I'm trying to be respectful. This was his last day for meth (his weak spot at the moment) so he wanted to do it till the last minute, which I would too. But now all I want is to feel that lustful sensation of a spike penetrating my veins, and that beautiful sight of a red plume bursting through the syringe filling any air pockets, and giving you the signal of quick relief and release.

Of course those are the good days. Perfect shots, like you have a fresh arm, ripe for the slamming. And thank goodness I had two in a row, deposit a nasty meth miss and an abscess currently. Yesterday I spent three hours trying to find a place for one fix without any luck, and by that time I'd split my shot into two syringes because of the amount and thickness of blood, drained half a syringe of blood clots, and IMing was out of the question. 
*just FYI for those that don't know.... you can't IM a shot with too much blood in it. Your body doesn't know what to do with that much blood, and trust me the outcome isn't pretty. Last time for left upper arm was swollen and oh so painfully sore for what seemed like ages. But better than a lot of abscesses I've had.*
 
Times like that, where I poke for hours and hours, wasting much of the day, ripping apart my arms/hands/legs/feet/neck/whatever, that I curse it, and wonder why I do such things. But then, barely 2 hours later, I'm thinking about prepping my next shot. And no matter how much I swore I wasn't going to IV, I'll IM this time - I swear! - whatcha know... before you can say Bob's Your Uncle, I'm swinging my arm to pump blood into it and tying off.

So... I'm facing the morning without heroin. Without IVing. Without my morning sex practically. That orgasmic sensation that allows me to check me inbox, make my calls, face my colleagues and generally get on with my day.

So here I am, at 6:30 in the morning now, smoking meth. Meh, it's not doing much for me, but I knew it wouldn't. I wasn't going to sleep anyway, so what's the harm?
I have my drug therapy appointment today at 1p. I haven't told her about my commitment yet. I know she'll be happy. I hope I can do it. You can always find junk outside the center (The Center for Harm Reduction, it's also the Needle Exchange). Hope I have the will power.

But this isn't my blog for the day. I've got some I'm debating between posting... we'll see how my day goes. Leave me a comment or send me a message if you have a suggestion and I'll tailor my post accordingly :)
So reader be warned. You are about to witnesses 2 weeks of an already certifiable nut case quit Heroin. It may not be a pretty site... (maybe I'll keep you updated with pictures.) But it might lead to some interesting blogs. If I'm obsessed with drugs when I'm on them, the obsession is tri-fold when I'm kicking. But hopefully my arms will get some healing time in!

And since I'm doing this for moi and only moi... I will be completely honest with my progress. In fact, I'll even make this a little wager. The first person to subscribe and accurately post to my blog their guess on when I'll cave and first use again, wins a price. Price TBA, but it will be something cool.... like your very own drug travel kit (tailored around your Drug of Choice!). Maybe a subscription to the Heroin of the Month Club.... as featured here!

Or a signed copy of a classic Heroin book. Or something similar (obviously, if you don't do drugs, we'll think of something else, like some certified used panties or sox designed by yours truly. I also make organic body oils and lotions. Mostly for healing track marks, but really just for healthy skin. As well as jewelry focusing around wire work, unique stones (like jade or lapis lazuli) and bead stitching... so I'll customize the prize to fit your taste. And I'll be 100% truthful. So go ahead.... start your bids. Remember, I go to the Harm Reduction center (walking through Skid Row and the Midnight Mission there and back again at 1p today. Great places for balloons, which I may have been known to pick up now and again ;) lol.

But for now, I'm still facing my first morning getting out of bed to a stark, cold reality. There aren't even any sharps in the house if I did find that magic nugget. But enough of that self-pitying and whining. Lookout for my next post later today. Topic: Unknown!

Now to see if I can get an hour of sleep in before the SO wakes up, so we can get up together, and drink mounds of coffee to start this sobriety thing.Wish me luck :)
Peace, Love & Rock n Roll :)

D_D

One more thing... I'm waffling between Suboxone and Methadone. Anyone have any input? I've been on them both. But can't decide what I want to go with this time around, for these purposes. (Last time I was on Subs, I hid them and spit them out later, so I could slam at work. Until I was found out and was watched while I finished them. Not going to happen this time!  This time the choice is mine :) Gotta start something tomorrow (Pardon, today I suppose....it's 7am now. Lord Almighty. Maybe just one more hit from the pookie since I can't slam ;)

Silk Road Pt 3.

This the 3rd edition of my Silk Road posts!

So let's talk mushrooms. Those which are hallucinogenic in nature that is.... My strategy up until the Silk Road, was to stock up with any many as possible through out festie and tour season and try to accumulate enough to last me all fall winter, until the next heattie show came along with a good lot. This time, I decided to test out the product on the Silk Road - which I still plan on doing more of. Actually I want to start growing them, but that's a different story.

All the mushrooms – which were already a good price – from the Netherlands were about say 15bc. (I’m rough guessing the prices here since it doesn’t really matter - but at the time it was about 3bc =$1). Then there was this one guy offering his for almost half of that AND he shipped from the states, so free shipping! (and hopefully faster) I think standard shipping is always free within the states - at least it used to be. Although some sellers do offer the expedited shipping, that can be risky too. Not always a good idea to be able to track your drugs. And you don't want to have to sign for them and have proof floating out there somewhere that you signed for a package of Back Tar Heroin of whatever.  So despite the massive difference in price AND knowing the best product comes from the Netherlands (again in the category) we bought ½ oz of them. But it wasn't enough money to shed a tear over if something did go wrong. Sure enough, almost the next day they were there.  
 

***Here I am going to add a slight disclaimer. My view may be slightly askew due to an overuse, both long term (about 2 decades) and really heavy short term use (previous 6 months – a few times a week) to psychedelics. Clearly this will affect tolerance of each drug in and of itself, but should NOT produce cross-over tolerance between most of them. Although it has been theorized and some case studies have shown that certian RC's may produce slight cross tolerance between other psychedelics, mushrooms have never been included in those studies. Still, we did take an entirely different batch of mushrooms the weekend before and didn’t trip either. But the legitimacy of that product was never confimred. Although they looked, smelled, tasted and felt like legitimate shrooms, without at least another person verifying their potency, I couldn't make a blanket statement in either direction as to whether they were "real" or not.***

They came vacuum sealed and everything looked solid. Once I received them I let the seller know. He requested that I release the funds, which I was hesitant to do, since I hadn't tried them yet, but my last few transactions were so smooth, I figured "why not?". I gave the required 5 star but wrote "WAITING TO SAMPLE PRODUCT. WILL POST REVIEW IN FORUM WHEN VERIFIED."
We took them about 2 hours before and EOTO show in Tahoe, which was right across the street. We had with high expectations after such disappointing experiences with tripping on anything for the last 2 months. By the time we had to leave – all hope was abandoned. They never kicked in. We had all the effects of being on mushrooms without any of the actual visuals/body buzz/ euphoria/giddiness/tripping. So they had ALL of the slight uncomfortable feelings associated with mushies, slight tummy upset, desire to curl up in bed, bizarre equilibrium effect, social awkwardness, which usually passes in 30 minutes, transforming into social glee and laughter for me. But this lasted for the next few hours, with none of the fun side effects.  I know that Golden Teachers can vary in potency and strength – and obviously we both have an extremely high tolerance for pretty much all drugs in general. Maybe we could have tried more but we ate a lot to begin with. We don't shy away from those challenges. But with all of the positive reviews of this product, I was/am slightly suspicious that they hadn’t worked right off the bat. So, I figured I would give them to my bff who has no tolerance for this kinda thing at all, just to make sure that they didn’t work.  Haven’t heard anything about them from her yet (doubt I will now since she’s since “broken up" with me after 14 years, bitch). Hope they didn't work out for her either. Knowing her - she probably got freaked out by them and thew them away - whatever. Who cares. If I want to put a spike in my arm, that's my business.  Anyway - back to the Silk Road...

So - we got some more mushroom locally and decided to hold off trying them until our bodies were purged of psychedelics drugs. Even though there's supposedly no cross tolerance between L/Shrooms/RC’s etc. I've quite a bit of experience that would suggest otherwise, specifically with 2C products and that’s not supposed to happen either. The seller is still selling and the ratings are still coming in that they are high quality. So the rating system is clearly not a foolproof system. Or I was just a special case, and really need to cool off on my psychedelic drug intake. (which I have).

So I'm still winning the game overall - but it's by no means a sweep, with the SR scoring +2 points on me in the custie'd category.  Again, I made a mistake in judgment basing my decision on price and not taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture – why were they so cheap?? Why would I by from the state when I know they are sub-par to the Netherlands? Lesson Learned.

Next Purchase - MDMA – One of the best deals on the Silk Road

So again so time passes with a few smooth (even fun and enjoyable) transactions. Communication can be hit or miss with the sellers, but the product was always good, even if not always 100% accurate – at least effective.  And that’s all I ask for, really ;-)

All the MDMA experiences have actually worked out really well for me – even if it was weird. I f ound a great guy selling MDMA in Molly form and tested about as high as possible on the Reagent test, 84%.  It came in a standard time frame, great package, packaged as directed, good communication, A+ all around. Strike that, A++++++++++ when the next package came. A week after we took and had a BLAST on the amazing product, another shipment from the same town but different address came. Another bag of Mahl!  Okay – well that’s weird. This is my third shipment of mysterious, un-paid for drugs, only one of which was bad. I didn’t ask him about it because I didn’t want to raise any red flags, but we decided to take it anyway (contents unconfirmed) and rolled tits. So that was that and then I pretty much stopped thinking about that transaction. 

It was so good though, that we wanted another order ASAP for my birthday.  Fast forward 2-3 weeks later. I placed another order and as I mentioned earlier, I always place 3-6 items at a time. I had ordered a bag of 2C-E. I didn’t know the EXACT address it was supposed to come from but I remember it was at least some place on that side of the world (Netherlands).  In the appropriate time frame- a bag from the Netherlands (again) came with a baggie of unmarked clear white powder, 1 gr. 

Now, it makes sense that no one labels their drugs in the mail when they ship. And typically people don’t use their own home address, or at least their exact (or detailed) addresses, but it certainly makes it frustrating when you place multiple orders and are dealing with product that is similar in color and bitterness -like many RC's being sold today.  It gets confusing.  Then add the fact that 15mgs of one can flip your world upside down for 15 hours and be close to a dangerous overdose, and 20mgs - your pushing daisies, you need to be careful!

I decided to hold on to the bag for a little bit and see if maybe the other product would be easier to recognition. Strangely, I wound up with 4 random bags of white powder. Supposedly from two different sellers, but who knows maybe really coincidentally they worked together in conjunction on the Silk Road?

Now I had my entire order of products. The Mahly was the same fantastic roll. The 2C-E was awesome and combined with LSD, they make the Universe's hetty'est cocktail :)
but I'm still left with the unanswered question of "Where are all of these free drugs coming from?? And more importantly WHO IS SENDING THEM TO ME!!! Can all of this possibly be a dissociated string of coincidences? Doesn’t seem likely.
I did take the "risk" blindly sampling one of the random bags - turned out to be 2C-I and I tripped face off of it, quite a few times. Still have some actually - was going to save some for this NYE.
So there is nothing I can say about that specific mailing that would point to a conclusion. I'm really doubt I'll get an answer to any of this, but at least I came out the winner - I guess?  Over all I have wound up with way more drugs than I had actually purchased, but they were all legitimate, so  again – if the Universe wants to send me free drugs through mail order – who am I to complain? But still the whole thing can be hit or miss, and although appreciated, I’m always a little apprehensive when the random bags arrive. And although there have been a couple of orders where the seller has then disappeared, despite a large number of positive reviews, the overall success rate has me coming back. After all, it still beats the number of times I've been ripped off IRL copping on the streets or at Shakedown at a show. So I'll keep coming back!

One of the most common questions I receive about the Silk Road is "How does the pricing compare?" Well, that is completely dependent on what your are buying and where you live.

). Here is a general breakdown by most popular categories:

Psychedelics (Of all sorts - L, shrooms, RCs etc.): Normally much cheaper than I can find in and around California.
**Side besides my less than successful purchase of shrooms from the states, most shrooms almost always come from the Netherlands - this is a great (although not foolproof) way of securing a high quality product. I've honestly found this to be true for most products purchased from there – The Netherlands take the quality of their drugs seriously!**

Dissociative (Ketamine, MXE, PCP): Comparatively equal.  So I found no value in purchasing them through the Silk Road- unless you are unable to procure locally, or they just aren’t available in your area for some reason

Uppers - Depends.
Coke - Much pricier on SR but might be worth if for quality. They have a variety of EXTREMELY Superior coke available. But you’re gonna have to pay! (worth it IMHO)

Meth/Adderall - About the same locally. It's dirt cheap everywhere.

GHB:  Cheaper if you can buy in quantity.

MDMA - Seems to be the best overall Street/SR ratio. Really dirt cheap compared to the street value in Los Angeles. Also - ALWAYS (at least in my experience thus far) they have been highly superior to what you can buy on the streets. Since it’s almost all from the Netherlands (if it’s not, don’t buy it) you can still find early 90's standard ecstasy and they don't pass this shit "Molly" off as real AND it almost always comes with a Reagent Test results.

Opiates –

Heroin – This is an interesting one. When I started shopping on the Silk Road it was one of the best deals around. At least the Heroin was. It was much cheaper than Los Angeles street prices . You could go higher in value and buy China White or other super quality H when they had it - for much higher, but it WAS a rare commodity, Now #4 Heroin is littering the Silk Road. So it’s up to you and what you can get in your town as to whether it’s “worth it” or not. Maybe you are from the West Coast and get white powder in a stamp bag – you might be willing to buy at a higher price than someone who can get it on par or cheaper than the SR. Or you’ve never tried Mexican Black Tar, it would be in your best interest to give it a go an buy some at $100+ a gram, just to give it a shot over on the east coast. Yadda yadda, you get my drift.

Scripts - ALL OPIATE PRESCRIPTIONS ON SR ARE NOT WORTH IT. They may be high quality (and you can get OC's vs. OP's) but you will be prison rape on the price. Hands down one of the biggest rip offs - if you can secure elsewhere. But they are counting on getting the people who are uncomfortable buying from the streets or purchasing H at all. RE: Think your local soccer mom.

Opium – Completely hit or miss if they have it. They will go through dry spells of months at a time and then have 3 or 4 dealers at once selling. In my opinion, because of its scarcity.... if it's available, buy it! I've never had fake opium or anything that was sub-par quality from the SR, and when I do buy, I'll buy in bulk, just because I don't know when it's going to go away or come back again, and I love having it around. I had a guy I was buying from at a fairly expensive, but not outrageous price on SR, but he told me he had to close shop because the processing of the opium was getting way to expensive.  

Other – This “Other” category is very vague - anything else really. HGH's are one of the more popular- but I won't know how to compare prices - I think it's really high in demand though, because the stock seems endless and current. Psych drugs off all sorts, sleeping pills, barbiturates, ludes, crazy types of benzo’s etc.

I bought some Phenobarbital, randomly one day because I saw it and seemed to be a reasonably good price (actually dirt cheap) and isn't offered frequently in my circles - so that was worth it. I've been searching high and low to find Methaqualone, but have only found substitutes like Ettaqualone, but it's a crap shoot. You never know what random obscure drug that you've always wanted to try (or never heard of that piques your interest) so it's hit or miss. It seems that (like the ones I've mentioned above) since they are sold all over the world - to the point of abuse - across different countries, they will eventually be available to us at some point through the SR - so if there is some pill or drug you can’t find right away – keep checking in and be diligent. It’s most likely going to show up one day. And then it will be there for a day or two – or it might spark a new trend and gain its own category. You never know what’s going to happen!

So in conclusion to the pricing questions, I purchase by the following criteria that is important to me: price, local availability, quality vs price, dealer rating and perhaps novelty (like the Phenobarbital).

Hopefully that helps answer some of the questions you've had about the Silk Road and how that website works, what's available and how to buy, etc. As I mentioned, my next SR installment will be more technically driven and focus more on Tor, security, bitcoins etc. Please drop me comment if there is something specific you want addressed around those categories, and I'll try to get those questions answered first!

Hope everyone is having a great holiday vacation!!

❤ ☮ & ♪♬